Friday, December 31, 2010

2010

Thinking back over the past year I have realized that it was a good year.   There were obviously some low light, like my store closing in June, Parker's dad making himself more scarce, and normal parenting ups and downs, but this year has been so different than years in the past.  It has been a long while since I can remember consistently feeling happy with the direction of my life.  As sad as it is to say, even the year and following year after Parker was born, I was not happy.  I had happy times, but I was finishing college, living at home, learning that I would be healthier if I ended my relationship with Parker's dad and then starting a new job.  It was very turbulent......for a long time.  Once I moved here, life changed but it was still turbulent.  This past year, I entered it knowing that being single was fine, knowing that I can handle my life as a single working mother and setting side the expectations that another person would enter my life to make me happy.  Hmm...that last statement sounds kinda harsh, I mean that I realized my happiness was up to me, not another person turning on the switch.  That was my resolution last year, to be on my own and to be okay with it, I didn't try to date everyone that asked me out like the year prior, I was picky.  I think this may have been one of my favorite years, despite the bad that did happen.  I have been successful this year.  I have moved to a more profitable store with the intention of making it grow more than it already has.  Although there have been many challenges on the Mommy front, I feel like I can handle a 5 year old, attitude and all.  And my personal life, I have regained a friend that was dear to me last year, I have met and become friends with many interesting characters through work and mr has entered my life.  I am happy right now.  I am cynical, as you know, so I am not expecting it to last too long, but what a great way to start another year!  I don't think I have ever ended a year without a big "Fuck You" to it. 

I would like to say that I am off to a big party to supplement my joy for 2010, but I am home with Parker....just the two of us watching Bambie.  My heart is with mr tonight though.  I didn't think that it would bother me to be without him tonight and then it started to.  It is just another night and it isn't uncommon for me to be at home with Parker (you try to get a babysitter on New Year's....it's effing hard), but this is the first year for a LONG time that I have had someone that I want to kiss at midnight.  Oh well, life as a single mom right?  So we will enjoy our movie and hope to stay awake past midnight.

I hope that everyone has a wonderful and safe night.  Here's to 2011, I hope you are a wonderful as 2010!

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Chicago

Ah, Chicago.  I pretty much know nothing about this city (besides it's creation stole the Midwest from Cincinnati....)I don't know it's history very well or anything about how to navigate through the town.  I can fool anyone (but a native Chicagoan) that I do know tons of info about the Windy City, but what can I say, I am just really good at bullshitting.  So how is it that I love a place that I know nothing about?  Well, it's simple really, it's in my blood.  Both my mother's parents were born there and most of my great aunt's children are still there.  My grandma used to tell us stories of growing up in such a big city.  Although her father was laid off in the early 30's like many people, she lived her life there to the fullest....skipping school to go to the movies, visiting her best friend at the Walnut Room at Marshall Field's, going to parties and meeting Navy boys....she loved it.  I remember her telling me that my grandfather moved her from the big city to the "god foresaken" country of Ohio.  (She did love Trenton as well, just took some getting used to).  So it is easy for me to love the streets that she once wandered, to visit the department store that she would browse, and photograph the sites of her home.  It is also easy for me to love Chicago when our company holiday party is there every year (it is a bonus when your boss lives in another state).  This year's weekend was amazing, I had my two favorite guys, Parker and mr. 

I haven't traveled with Parker in some time....I think the last time we had a long car ride together was when my mom, Parker and I drove to Chicago to visit my Aunt when Parker was 10 months old.  That was a bad car ride.  Going up was much worse than coming home this time, well, except the snow storm we drove through yesterday, but Parker specifically was great.  We arrived on Saturday and stayed until Monday.  We were lucky enough to have mr's cousin as our personal tour guide and spent Saturday night and Sunday early afternoon together.  Sunday Parker had a separate adventure as mr and I had the holiday party to attend.....his adventure/challenge was to behave and have fun in a hotel room all night with a wonderful babysitter I hired through a service the hotel recommended.  Now I know what you are thinking, I let someone I had never met watch Parker....in a strange city.  I was really nervous about it at first, but she was great.  The company the hotel works closely with is great.  They gave me so much information on the sitter, I honestly felt like I knew her and had met her before.  While Parker made a new friend, mr and I had a blast with my JJ family at Gino's for dinner, 2nd City for laughs and the a few of us headed to The Redhead.....a very chill piano bar.  The holiday parties are always great, but this one is exceptionally memorable because it is the first one I invited someone to go with me.  My favorite part of the night was when I was lead to the front of the bar right next to the piano for a dance with mr.  Besides him calling out how much I was giggling, it was very romantic and kinda made my heart pitter patter.

I can picture myself living in Chicago....getting a place downtown so that all I would have to do is walk or use public transportation.  I can see myself loving it and being there a long time.  Unfortunately I can't see Parker living in the same environment.  Maybe one day I will call Chicago my home and reconnect with the roots that I have there, but grass and yards are important.  Visit are sufficient for now and Parker, I believe, is falling for the same city I did years ago, he made his wimper face when we were leaving downtown, and what's even better, my boss decided that we would have meetings in Chicago twice a year.......I am totally okay with that.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Our Tree Pictures

Parker took all the ornaments off so that we could put the lights on and decorate it together.  My sweet thoughtful boy.

Our Tree

I came out of my room yesterday morning to find that Parker had put all the ornaments on the tree.....without me.....and without the lights being in place first.  It was adorable.  Instead of playing before I awoke he took the initiative to decorate and help without being to told or asking if he could.  I was kind of sad because that is was I had planned for our lazy, snowy Sunday, but you can't be too upset when a 5 year does something to show that he is thinking outside his world and his own needs.  So I smiled and said thank you to him.  He then explained to me why there are no ornaments at the top or around the sides of the tree......well duh, he simply couldn't reach.  The "particular" side of me wants to fix is but the sentimental mom in me just wants to look at it as long as the tree is alive so that I am sure to remember the way it looks for years to come when I retell the story of the first time Parker decorated the tree literally on his own.  I will put lights on it however and take a picture for sure....I trust photos to assist most of my memories of Parker and my life right now.....I am a Moyer and good memories are not something that is in our gene pool.  (well they are good we are just bad at remembering this accurately)

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Picture Frames

Parker recently had his Kindergarten picture taken.  He looks huge and old and smart with his toothless smile.  I was replacing last fall's picture in the frame with afternoon when I took off the back and realized that all of his professional 8 x 10's where still in the back of the frame.  I am sure I did the same thing last year but can't remember doing it.....I looked at every single picture that was in there.  It was like a little trip down his development and growth from this year at 5 down to when he was my chubba chubba at 4 months....he bald chubby toothless smile with his fat cheeks and his wrist rings.  It almost made me tear up.  He isn't even that old but it is hard to remember him as a 4 month old baby. 

Monday, November 29, 2010

It's Hard to Come Home

Mr's house is pretty awesome.  I like being there......a lot.  Thursday evening, for example, I didn't have the intention of going there after being in Dayton Wednesday night and all day Thursday.....but then, driving home and chatting on the phone, I found my self getting off onto 275 West instead of staying on 75.  The plan was to get up Friday and clean clean clean so that I wouldn't have to worry about the condition of my house the rest of the weekend.  Nope.  With Parker having fallen asleep in the back seat, it was hard to resist and then when he was telling me about his dissatisfying Thanksgiving dinners, I felt compelled to share my delicious leftovers immediately and he agreed with the thought.  So mr's is where we ended up.  Of course I came home early on Friday and accomplished about 85% of what I wanted to do and then it was time for the downtown tree lighting and ice skating......that is right.....I went ice skating.  Now I am sure that most can imagine me to be as graceful as a swan, but I am not.  Ofter my father says that I am like a bull through a China shop.  I was concerned that Parker was going to inherit my natural "talent" and since I didn't want to possibly pull Parker down when I fell, I elected mr to skate with Parker.  Mr was all like, "I haven't went ice skating in 15 years!  I may pull him down with me!"  So I got to thinking, maybe mr will suck as bad as me, we will skate wobbled kneed together and let Parker steal the show!  I rented skates too.  For some people it doesn't matter if it has been 15 years since they went skating, when you are good at it, it stays with you......that was mr. (grrrrrrr) 

Parker did great, he fell a lot, but was determined to be good at it so the falling didn't bother him.  The tree was beautiful, the hot chocolate was delicious, the kettle corn was fresh and warm, the fireworks between high-rise buildings is always a bizarre delight, but it was ridiculously cold out.  The fountain was frozen!  There weren't as many people this year as before so when we were done, we were done.

The rest of the weekend wasn't out of the ordinary except for the fact that we spent it entirely together.  The three of us.  This is a first, and I am not going to read too far into it or project anything upon it besides how lovely it was.  We helped clean, Parker helped build a shelf, the two of them fixed their hair alike, we hit up Kroger, and when it was warmer out, Parker helped chop a huge amount of firewood to bring inside.  (They made me help too, first time I have ever used an ax and the piece of wood chopped and then rolled into my shin.....yes, I bruised immediately).  I didn't want to leave.  I was content.  I was just being, instead of thinking about what was going to happen next or what the meaning of my feelings are and how to handle Parker's behavior, I was there and happy and enjoying every moment.  Those feelings are hard to leave.  But it was necessary.  Again, it was a Sunday night of back to reality.  But my realities are starting to confuse me.  There is my reality here that is just Parker and I and work and school.  Then there is the reality of mr and spending time with him and Parker and spending time with just he and I.

 It was nice being here along with Parker though.  We had a spat when we got home but things turned around, he had a nice long bath, a nice little dinner and then completed 3 pages in his workbook.  I told him I would help him, but he really didn't need me next to him.  He wrote and read the sentences without assistance.  He is a wonder to me.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Happy Birthday Yang Yang!

25 years ago, a little curly haired blond girl was about to turn 3.  Her birthday was on November 22, and she was really excited to be the big 3.  Then on the 21st of November, her father took her and her older sister to the hospital.  Her mom was there because she had had another baby.  The curly haired blond went in to a strange room with her father and her older sister.  She was confused as to why her mom was just sitting in the bed holding what seemed to be a bundle of blankets.  Her mom and dad were very excited to see the little girl and her older sister.  They introduced this bundle as the newest addition to their family and her name was Lauren.  What was even stranger to the little girl was the fact that Lauren had two wrapped gifts for her older sisters.  The little girl opened the gift and there, inside was the My Little Pony that she had coveted.  The little girl looked at this Lauren baby....and thought to herself, "how did that little baby know which My Little Pony I wanted?"  

I don't even know where to start with talking about Lauren.  There are so many hysterical stories that involve me teasing or tormenting her.  There are the ones when I told her she was adopted from my aunt, explaining why she and my cousin look so similar.....or the time that she told me I make her life miserable.....or the time I rang the doorbell and then hid just to scare the crap out of her when she answered the door.  The time when I tried to teach her how to punch.  When we went to Brasil, Jen and I tried desperately to corrupt her by giving her alcohol to drink.  Once I was in college I did actually get her drunk (it was awesome!  literally a dream come true).  We have had great times and really bad times together.  She is now a college graduate, living on an entirely different states (the only one of us to do that permanently), she has amazing talent that has taken her art and herself all over the country, and now she is engaged to a very wonderful man who understands her (most of the time).  She is a grown up.  I am so proud of her and love to brag about her art and her fashion.  She continually impresses me with her vision and how she can express it from thought to canvass.  I have always been jealous of her ability, but now I am just in awe of it.  Beyond the talent of her hands, she is well spoken and writes with the same ease as painting.  Her knowledge is so wide that one would think she has research a little bit about everything so that she will always be able to argue your point in a conversation.  We decided once, a very long time ago, that we were going to combine our use-less information to create books to share with world....because I mean really, who doesn't want to know all the same crap that we do?! 
 
Today is my little sister's birthday.....she is 25.  One of my first memories was the day she was born.  It is sketchy, but the My Little Pony part is totally true and so was my confusion.  It was a conflicting day, I got a new sister, but I would forever have to share my birthday with her.  I am okay with it now, but when I was younger it was hard to have to share my day (but convenient for my parents to celebrate at once).  I miss the combined birthday parties now....living in 2 different states with 2 totally different lives makes it hard to physically visit.  Our very different schedules makes it hard to chat on the phone.


I hope you had a wonderful day Lauren!  Keep studying for the GRE, I know you'll do great!  Happy Birthday :)

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Facebook

I am addicted to facebook.  I have been since it is so easy to access via my phone.  I am on it way too much, care about it way too much, care about who accepts or puts my friend requests in queue way too much.  It is distracting and time consuming.  I hate when I miss peoples birthdays because I was only on my phone version and not the computer version.  I hate when my witty comments just sound ridiculous and poorly thought out....aka no one gets it but me.  I love quoting Parker on it.  I love posting pictures, making comments, stalking people I went to grade school and high school with.....there are a few of you that I know way more about than I should considering our high school commencement was probably that last time we were in the same room....but I know...muhahahaha!  Ahem,....sorry about the creepiness.

But tonight, Facebook, I hate you and want to have nothing to do with you.  Twice in 1 month you have informed me that someone I shared moments with in this life are no longer here.  Twice I have felt horribly that that is the way that I found out about someone's death.  The first was a former employee of mine and the second is my friend.  We were in band.  He was the little brother of my close friend during the early years of high school.  He played drums.  We would make crude innuendos about beating his drum and stroking his drum sticks.  He had red hair and I called him fire crotch.  I had a little crush on him.  I saw him about a year ago at a bar up in Dayton.  He was there with some other people I knew and he just came over a gave me a hug like he would in the band room.  He had the best smile.  His family is in pain.  His sister, my adolescent friend is hurting like I can't even imagine.  His friends, our mutual friends are hurting....there is one in particular that I grew up with that I am thinking about right now.  My heart and love and thoughts go out to all of them.  To all of those he knew. 

Monday, November 15, 2010

Birth Control

I have never been on birth control.  This maybe an over share for many people but I have mixed feelings about it.  I am by no means against birth control methods at all!  I should have paid more attention to them when I was 21. (sidenote: I say that but could not even imagine who I would be or how life would be without Parker, but still, I should have been smarter).  I think that it is extremely important to teach adolescents about all the different forms out there, whether they are sexually active or not.  I think that teaching abstinence is important but not the only form of sex education.  I think that all young people, regardless of private or public education has the right to know how their bodies work and how the opposite sex works as well.  I was in 4th grade when we started sex ed.  They divided the girls and the boys to minimize the embarrassment that goes along with learning about reproduction.  We learned all about our uteri, fallopian tubes, ovaries, and vaginas.  It was tough because I hadn't started my period yet, I was deathly afraid of puberty and I didn't want to know what was going to happen because I just simply didn't want to grow into a woman yet.  The next year, separately, we learned about the male reproductive system, the actual act of intercourse and the stages of fetal development.  The last year of grade school, collectively we watched The Miracle of Life that had a live birth at the end of it.  That year we learned about contraceptives, their use and STD prevention.  It was later once I was in high school that we learned about contraceptives in detail.  With all of this knowledge, I still never made the decision to be sexually active and on birth control.  There was and is a fear there about what it is doing to a woman's body.  I know that it is safe and can't imagine what the world would be like if Margaret Sanger hadn't started the birth control fight.  I understand the fight and sacrifice that she made to bring birth control to working women who didn't have control over their sexual life....the women that bore children that they didn't want to mother.  But changing the way that my body works hormonally scares me.  I know that there are benefits like less acne, lighter periods, and if I go on I will sound like a commercial.....but it is altering that way that I know my body works.  Since I became pregnant without knowing....without realizing that I had missed a period, I have learned to listen to my body better.  I know my body and changing what I know brings fear.  There is joy as well though....an extra insurance that reduces that possibility of pregnancy is fine by me.  Even saying that I am reminded of all the women I know who have become pregnant while taking birth control so I am looped back to my original thought....should we hormonally change the way our bodies work or listen to our bodies.  Obviously we can't know everything about our bodies with out very expensive research into how often we (individually) ovulate, if both ovaries work in the same month, opposite or even do they skip a month.....is it really independence we are gaining or is it a separation of our brains and our bodies working together or rather....is it a separation from ourselves and our nature. 

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Vacation with Parker (without surgery)

Over the past few months, I have been sharing my time between my son and mr.  It is challenging.  Making sure that I am being an attentive and good mother while trying to start a relationship is a balancing act that I haven't really tried before.  In the past, I would let the guy slide out of touch, because, let's face it....that is a hell of a lot easier that juggling your attention.  But recently, Parker has been challenging those who have authority in his life-aka, his nanny and mr.  These are new people that suddenly have an adult say in his life.  He has gone with the flow over the past few months, listened well because that is the way kids are....they are on their best behavior for the newbies in their lives.  Now that he is comfortable, he has started the duel.  The nanny tells him something and he will tell her that I let him do things differently....so, she calls me and he is caught.  I am out of the room at mr's and Parker breaks a rule, I come back in and he tells me he didn't do anything wrong...so mr tells me what happened and he is caught.  Teaching him to understand that they are allowed to put him in time out or tell him to change his behavior or take away a privilege from him is the hardest part of this balancing act.  At the moment of bad behavior, I am embarrassed and take it personally.  In reflection I understand that it is not always prevented, but maybe it can be subsided by designating his time with me.  It has been just the two of us for almost 4 years now.  His father was involved on and off for a bit, but really not at all for about 2 years.  Out of the 4 years, it has truly been just us in Cincinnati for 2 years.  This is a long time and understandable that as much as he loves the new people in his life, it isn't the way he has come to understand life....hence pushing their authority.

Decision for Mommy....vacation days.  Last month, Parker had a Thursday and a Friday off from school.  My Dad was gracious enough to take Parker from that Wednesday until the following Sunday.  For me, it was an opportunity to give mr way more of my attention than I had been able to give him before, and it probably has helped us grow (dare I say it!!!!!) in our relationship (ooooh snap, I said it).  For Parker it was a great vacation away from me and with his favorite person in the world, Grandpa Jeff.  But again, this month he had a Thursday and a Friday off school and not to mention the 3 days has off for Thanksgiving.....that is a lot of time to ask my Dad for babysitting help.  Genius Mommy realized though that I still had vacation days....like half of them left!  Thursday and Friday was designated to fun for us.  Although I had planned for it to be completely Mommy and Parker days, we did have some cameo appearances from my Mom, Mary and Audrey and of course, mr.

Thursday was EnterTRAINment Junction with my Mom.  It was neat but kind of a one time thing.  Overall pretty amazing that they built all of those mountains and building.  Everything was very detailed.  Parker like the indoor jungle jim the most....shocking right?  The 5 year old's favorite part was the running around.




Friday just Parker and I discovered Sharon Woods.  The play ground was obviously the first time on the list then our packed lunch and then our Gorge trail hike.  It was a perfect day to hike, the sky was so blue and gorgeous.  We learned all about how the Gorge was carved by the melting and receding glacier that once covered Ohio.  Parker learned that once there were Mammoths that lived here.  It was good stuff.  He really showed an interest in the educational signs that were along the trail.  Friday night was a bonfire and marshmallows at mr's house.  A pretty perfect ending to a great day.


 

Saturday was the highlight.  All week Parker would not stop talking about Union Terminal and the museums that are there, so we called Mary and Audrey, picked them up and spent the day visiting all three museums.  Again, Parker showed so much interest in all of the things every sign said....it was great because I remember not caring what they said.....my Mom would read them anyway, but ultimately, I wasn't listening....for him to show that he cares more than I did makes me happy.  It was neat that we had learned about the glaciers and the mammoths that were in Ohio before because the Natural History museum just reaffirmed it all.  Then Saturday night was at mr's again, with a movie and playing with his awesome Lego's.

 (sorry, no pictures from Union Terminal....bad Mommy)

I wanted to have something fun planned for today, but we need to have a day of just being at home.  Sounds so boring compared to the rest of the stuff - by the sounds of his playing in the other room, I think it is okay with him that we are here and not off on an adventure.....plus, there is always next weekend. I spoiled him this weekend, but I wanted my vacation time to be more that us just sitting at home (I took a week of vacation in March for his surgery and we weren't able to do much).  When I first had the idea, I was going to take him camping, but I thought it would be cold....then I thought about taking him to the Indianapolis Zoo because they have dolphins in their aquarium, but again, I thought it was going to be cold...I was wrong-o!  It was 70 degrees each day I was off.  But now tomorrow we have to go back to work and back to school.  I kinda wanna call in sick permanently.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

PMT

This happened on Monday but I am still proud.  Nikki had some reading to do so Monday evening, Quinn came down to hang out for a bit and play with Parker.  As soon as she was in the house he called her up on the couch next to him and the letter flash cards he had made at school.  He promptly started going through the letter names and sounds, constantly telling her to repeat after him while giving word examples.  They both were great at it!  Quinn (who is 2.5) was repeating everything that came out of his mouth.

Once they were done with that, Parker picked up the toys he didn't want to share and got out the Thomas trains that Quinn wanted to play with.....a very good and educational visit.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

The feelings better not felt.

My little sister announced her engagement.  It is exciting.  My little sister is marrying the person that compliments like I never thought someone else could.  They are perfect for each other.  They bring a balance to each other.  Most importantly, Kevin tolerates Lauren in a way that can only be true love.  I remember one time they were at my mom's for a visit.  Lauren used to get Wizard Magazine when she was in her comic phase.....or I should say, when she was more into comics....but anyway, they were sitting on the couch together, reading this magazine and talking what sounded like gibberish to everyone else in the room, but they completely understood each other.  The entire time, they would laugh and discuss what they were reading, maybe a slight disagreement every once in a while....but overall, it was a very nerdy but heart warming moment to witness.  I am filled with joy for them and her ring is absolutely perfect.  I am not hugely into jewelry and most engagement rings that I see do nothing for me, but her's is magnificent.  (Sorry Jen)  If I were to pick one out for my self, it would be that shape and style....(well not now of course because I can't copy....)

But I am feeling the feelings that no one should feel when they are happy for someone else.  Both of my sister's will be married.  Both of them have found their people.  Both know what it feels to be that important to another person.  They will both be in a club that I don't belong to.  I am in the Mom Club which I can't share with them, and they are/will be in the Married Club, one of which I don't know I will ever be a part of.  Am I jealous?  I guess you could say that, but it really doesn't describe it properly.  I am joyful and happy, but it is a reminder that my life will never have been the traditional pattern of love, marriage, children......and also that I want what they both have....

Sunday, October 31, 2010

Wolverine

 Tonight was Trick or Treating in my home town of Oakwood.  You got to love that Oakwood will do their Trick or Treating on Beggar's Night depending on the day of the week that Halloween falls on....this leaves the opportunity for Parker to have two night in a row of free candy.  It was a fun day that started with making applesauce.  A couple weeks ago at school, his class made applesauce with about 4 different kinds of apples.  They made it and then tasted each kind and graphed the opinions of which was the best according to the students.  Since then, he has been talking about making it at home every time we buy apples at the store.  What a better day to do a very fall thing then on a very special fall holiday!  It was fun, he had a great time using the food mill to mash up the apples.  My produce guy at work was gracious enough to give me about 25 pounds of Golden and Red Delicious apples, so we had plenty to work with.

Then it was time to get my car back from the long need windshield replacement and head to Oakwood for Trick or Treating.  We walked from my Dad's to my Mom's....very convenient for us that they live about 7 blocks apart from each other....but before we were even half way to my Mom's, Parker was tired and his candy was too heavy....silliness!  Every one loved Parker's Wolverine costume, and I have to admit, out of the 3 Marvel superhero's he has been the past 3 years, this is definitely my favorite one.



Spider-man 2008

Iron Man 2009

Wolverine 2010

         (I kinda hope that he sticks with the Marvel heroes and doesn't switch to DC anytime soon)


While we were out I purposely stopped by one of my childhood friend's parents house in hopes that she would be there with her new baby and I was right!  I haven't seen Lauren in years and through the wonderful world of facebook I followed her pregnancy and tonight I got to meet and hold her beautiful daughter Olivia.  It was neat to see her and her family.  Another joy of the small city of Oakwood, chances are you can run into someone you have known since you were 5 years old.  When we told Parker that we met each other when we were his age, he made his "that is crazy" face.

So now, on the actual Halloween date, we will see if Parker can handle another night of Trick or Treating Cincinnati style.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

I know someone who died today.  I didn't know him well.  He was an employee of the store that I transferred to after my store closed.  My old GM Val hired him a couple years ago.....I know she is torn up over this, she always cared for everyone she hired.  I only worked with him for about a week before the company decided it would be better off without him as part of the team.  Knowing that I was a part of that decision makes me feel bad right now.  He was a good kid, very nice, and from what I can tell, he was very well liked among his coworkers.  I want to say more, but I can't.  It is an odd feeling when someone you are acquainted with dies but you are not necessarily close to.....I know how to feel when a close friend dies...but I don't know how to feel now besides sad for his family and his close friends.  My thoughts are with you.

Monday, October 25, 2010

They're baaaaaaaaack!

Two years ago last month Parker and I started our lives away from Dayton.  I moved into the apartment about 1 and 1/2 weeks before Parker.  There was a lot of traveling between Dayton and Cincinnati for transitional purposes and also because I hadn't found a daycare in Cincinnati right away.  Then Jennifer and Eric married at the beginning of October, so really two years ago now-ish, Parker and I started our lives and routine in Cincinnati.  I remember coming home that first Sunday after their wedding and thinking that it was time to relax and get used to the city I love......we walk into Parker's green room and there on the walls are wasps.....yes, multiple wasps.  I think I killed 6 that day.  Called the landlord, he came over and helped me kill some more.  This went on everyday for months.  My landlord, although a very nice guy, has no idea about managing properties or the responsibilities that fall on his shoulders nor does he believe in chemical based pesticides.  We went through so many different types of treatment for the wasps.  Did I mention they were only in Parker's room?  You can imagine how bed time was for about a year after that.....that's right, a year.  Actually, it took over a year and harsh chemicals to finally get rid of those little fuckers.  No one could figure out where they were coming from, I still think that they are living in the walls, but no one listens to me!  The last treatment we had was about 10 months ago and it has worked!  In the past 2 years they have shown up in the fall and spring....well, it was working. 

Today I started doing the dishes and Parker called from his room....I walk in and there are two wasps, one flying and the other one walking.  Parker said, "You thought you done with that crap."  Although inappropriate for him to say, he said it perfectly.....I totally thought I was done with that crap!

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Proud Mama Thursday

Last week Parker had a short week at school.  It was the end of the quarter and a teacher in service day, so he was done for the week on Wednesday.  I found a phonics workbook in his backpack last Wednesday.  With it was a note from his teacher saying that once it was completed, he would get the blue one.  Now, this is not a hefty huge workbook, but for Kindergarten and a 5 year old, it seems like it may take awhile to get through. (It would be really cool if I could tell you at this point that he finished it already....that would totally blow your minds!  But come on!  He is 5!  Some realistic expectations please!  Ha).  Because he has to get through it in a timely fashion, I decided that he would have to do 1-2 pages a night starting this past Monday. 

Monday he opted to do the workbook pages first before he played or took a bath, the first page was a challenge.  It was crayons with the colors written on them, there were no instructions so I told him to read the color and then color the crayon with the proper color from his crayons.....I wasn't really thinking about the fact that he is at the beginning of reading aka sounding a lot of stuff out aka most color names are not easy to sound out.  So it was a challenge and he got really frustrated with him self.  Eventually he got them all, but I couldn't imagine him wanting to move onto another page.  My little trooper was frustrated with himself but moved on and the next 2 pages were a breeze for him!  There was an image, for example, a cat then under the image was __ A T.  So obviously you fill in the missing letter.  He flew through that page.  Sitting there.  Naming the image.  Saying it slowly to hear all the letter sounds that he was saying and the figuring out which sound and then letter was missing.  It is astonishing to watch and hear him figure these things out on his own.  I don't remember not being able to read and taking the time to do every small stage of each word and all the connections you have to make between letter sound and letter recognition.  He amazes me.  He did 3 pages all together that night.  We skipped Tuesday but the pages he did last night we more difficult than Monday's.  The words were missing two or more letters.  He sat at the table and I watched him kitchen, image recognition, letter sounds, and knowing which missing sounds went into each missing space.  I went over to check his work and every "a" he had written was backwards.  I calmly and gently told him that and immediately he was upset with himself.  He strives to do it right the first time and it is hard on him when he doesn't do it right the first time.  He gets mad at himself.  I told him that he was fine because lots of 5 year old who are just learning how to write there letters tend to get "a's" backwards.  His frustration shows that he takes pride in his work.  He will have that trait for the rest of his life and will demonstrate it every time he tries to do something right the first time.  Watching him do his work in his workbook, hearing him figure out the problem on his own and witnessing the time and care he puts into it is my proud mama moment of the week.

When he turned 5 and we started preparing for Kindergarten, I was very nervous about the changes that lie ahead...parents start to lose influence over their children when they reach school age.  But, now that we have adjusted to the changes of this fall, this age is so much more than I realized it would be.  Yes there is way more attitude already (which will just get worse) but the intelligence and independence out weighs the attitude.

Last week he also got all E's and all :) for work and behavior at school.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Me and My Jumbly Brain

I can't formulate a complete thought.  I have been trying for about a week to write about something.  I have some pretty lame half assed posts sitting in that little box that tells you what is published and what is not.  This is frustrating.  It's like I have nothing on my mind because I have a billion things on my mind.  I can't focus on any one thing long enough to make a complete thought!  There is mr. and the fact that we spent 5 days together recently without Parker (because Parker had no school so he spent the 4 day weekend with Grandpa Jeff).  It was amazing!  I thought for sure that I or he would be bored by Saturday, but Sunday came too fast.....I know....that was stomach churningly cheesey.  Goddamnit!  I want to talk about him and what we did and how much fun it was and how much I can't admit I like him....but, there it is.  I can't admit how much I like him.  Not to me.  Not to him.  Not to Nikki.  Not to Jen.  Not to Rob.  Not to anyone.  Which brings me to thing number two that is on my mind.  You can imagine how thing one and thing two circle round and round with each other until I get so irritated with myself that I feel like I am being a silly high school girl!  I have bigger issues to think about!  I have a business to co-run and a son to raise!  Those are the things that should be on the fore front of my mind!  Ugh......which leads us to things three and four that get thrown into the brain swirl with thing one and two.  But Parker is amazing overall right now!  I am not going to get too much into a proud mama rant right now because I am saving it for Proud Mama Thursday (which no one has caught onto yet....)  But he has developed over the past few weeks and it is astonishing to see.  I am excited for Halloween too, even though he wants to be Avatar....he is obsessed.  Thing three I don't really care about right now.  I mean I care about it but it is not comsuming like it has been in the past.  For such a long time it has been JJ and Parker....Parker and JJ....maybe every now and then I would think about other stuff, but not for long.

So that is all I've got!  A brain jumbled up with things one, two, three and four!  Where is the Cat in the Hat when you need him!

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Proud Mama Thursday

So I have decided to start Proud Mama Thursday.  I don't know how many people will follow suit, but I am going to try!  Every Thursday I am going to try to post something specifically to a Parker-achievement of the week.  Here is the first one.

I was talking to Jen the other day in my room and I could hear Parker making letter sounds.  A couple minutes later he came running in my room with a sheet of paper held high telling me to look at the words he wrote.  The first one was b-o-and a backwards g.  The second one was supposed to be octopus, but it only had 4 letters.  But the third word was very clear and perfect.  B-o-x.  Box.  He had thought of the sounds, made the connection to the proper letter and then successfully translated it to paper.  I know, it doesn't sound like much, but think about how huge that is!  He has written words before, but they were words he has memorized like Ohio, Parker, Mom....simple words that he has known for a while.  But this is new!  And he knows the letter X, which is harder than most of them.  I can't even express how proud I was/am of him when he did that....I think it is amazing!  Then about 1/2 hour later I heard him rummaging around with toys.  We have a policy about toys in the living room, he is only supposed to get out one kind of toy at a time.....you can imagine how unsuccessful that is most of the time, but anyway....I heard him getting stuff out so I headed to the living room to remind him of the rule.  And there he was, floor cleaned up.  He looked up at me and said, "Don't worry, I picked up all the Lego's before I am getting my cars out."  He got his star sticker for that night early......so proud :)

Monday, October 4, 2010

20/20

Last week Parker brought home a sealed envelop with "To the Parents of Parker Green" written on it.  This was the same week that his listening ability was an all time low, so naturally I was slightly nervous.  It was a form from the school with the results of their vision screening recommending that I take Parker to the eye doctor for a full exam.  I knew that I would have to take him this year after I learned that astigmatisms (my biggest eye issues) are hereditary and can be seen at birth.  So I made the appointment for Saturday.

With the proper amount of prep, he went for the visit.  We get in there and he sits tall and proud in the exam chair, fully ready to go.  The doctor pulls up the chart and asks Parker to cover one eye.  The giant letters are on the wall and some how Parker has confused the letter S and A.  We try the next line.  There he is confusing letters with each other again.  Row after row after row.....wrong letter after wrong letter after wrong letter.  The doctor stops, turns to me and asks "Is he good with his letters?"  I was conflicted between the thought that he was lying to get glasses or that he is as blind as my sisters are......but really if he was that blind, wouldn't someone have noticed by now?  The doctor continues the exam and puts the big metal, lens changing apparatus up to his face.  Still......incorrect letters.  In fact, he got more wrong this time.  The doctor hops up and moves the apparatus away from his face and declares that she is going to try something else.....she leaves the room and enters with a pair of non prescription glasses from the rack, she winks at me while she hands them to Parker.  Excitedly, he puts them on and reads row for row from the giant E all the way down to a smaller type than I can read without my corrective lenses......my child just wants to wear glasses.  After a while longer, the doctor explains to him why he doesn't need glasses just yet, he still claims that he is blind. 

Liam got glasses last spring and now Parker believes it is his turn.  Five years old and my son wants glasses....so strange!  I remember distinctly NOT wanting glasses when I had to get them at the age of six.....I hated them and would tell my teacher that I didn't really need to wear them, that it was optional for me.  I lied to the teacher to get out of wearing them and my son lies to the teachers to start wearing them.....what a crazy boy!  Luckily, he has amazing vision....and I hope/want it to stay that way, if only he knew how amazing it is that he wakes up in the morning and can see.

Friday, October 1, 2010

Oh Tooth Fairy!

Parker lost his third tooth last night.  One of the upper big ole front ones....he is going to have quite the experience the first time he bites into something today!  So it was really really wiggly last night and when I felt it, it bled a little bit.  We headed to the bathroom.  I told him to hold on to it real tight with some toilet paper to make it stop bleeding....he did and then I was like "BOO!"  He was totally supposed to pull it out on his own....that didn't work.  He was so cute during the whole thing, he wanted to be really brave but he was so apprehensive about the idea of pulling it.  He was laughing but in a very uncomfortable way....so not cute, but it was totally cute.  Anyway, the tooth didn't come out.  The old scare the kid and they pull their own tooth didn't work and it was bleeding worse.  I felt really bad then, so I am holding onto it to make it stop bleeding when I realized that I have never held onto another person's tooth and pulled it out.  I was immediately grossed out and couldn't do it.  I told Parker to hold onto it so I could go get him a cup of water to rinse his mouth.  He did.  A few seconds went by and he pulled the toilet paper away and there was no tooth!  I gasped and he was like "What Mommy!?!?"  Your tooth is gone!  "What!"  I showed him in the toilet paper and he ran to the mirror and started making ridiculous faces in the mirror at himself.  What a ham!  Then I decided it would be good to rinse the blood off the tooth before displaying it for the tooth fairy.....as I turned on the water, I thought, "This is a really bad idea because you are going to drop it"  Yup.  I dropped it down the sink.  So Parker laid down in bed and Allyson played plumber.  I got it though! (and the sink isn't leaking!)   And I checked on it this morning, the Tooth Fairy totally came (I knew she was real!)

Thursday, September 30, 2010

Parent Teacher Conference

Like many other Moms know, almost everyday you and your child reach a new milestone.  Today was my first Parent-Teacher Conference.  Last week during the Open House, Mrs. R and I were chatting about Montessori, how it benefits and the different stations that were set up around the room.  Parker had been having exceptionally bad behavior last week and the weeks prior (mentioned here).  I asked the teacher about his behavior at school and when she stated that he hadn't been listening, I welled up with tears.  I was/still am embarrassed about my emotional outburst....outburst is a little strong, but you know what I mean.  She had been telling me about the parent-teacher conferences coming up but that she could meet with me earlier than the end of October.....and that bring us to tonight. 

I was nervous.  At about 1:30 while I was trying to get things together to leave work early, I started getting really jittery.  My stomach was in knots and my heart was all fluttery.  I had no idea why I was so nervous and what for when I realized, that regardless of how I view my child, his new teacher may not like him as much as he was liked at the daycare facility.  She may have some unfortunate information to tell me.  Maybe I should have waited and started Parker on the old end of his class instead of the young end of his class.  Maybe she was going to tell me to consult the doctor about ADHD, or that he was rough with other children or that he talked back and was disrespectful to the teacher......every negative thing ran through my head. 

Contrary to what I thought would happen or could happen, it was a very complimentary and productive meeting.  We talked about the listening issue and fortunately, he is not worse or better than other kids with it.  Some days he lacks the ability to listen more than other days, but I told her about our new start sticker for listening in the morning and the evening and Mrs. R gave me a big thumbs up for that idea.  So now I just have to work on keeping "the reins tight."  Basically, I will mirror the same technique in the school.  Mrs. R told me how much she likes Parker's character and the pride that he carries when he completes his work.  She said that his penmanship is very good and he will be reading by December.  She thinks that once he is more used to the routine of his new life that he will progress at a faster pace than he already is.....what can I say besides that I am a proud mama.

We will continue with the star stickers and rewards....now don't worry, I am not going to spoil the kid rotten.  His first reward is his own calender for his stickers.  His second will be a Mommy and Parker day hike at a park (I know, you are jealous!) or maybe the Children's Museum.......

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Damned if I do.....Damned if I don't

My relationship with Parker's dad isn't something that I talk about too much here.  It is in the past, I mostly want it to stay there and also, while I share details to my life and my feelings and thoughts and what not, but more so I feel like it is too much of Parker's life to share.  That may not make sense, but I feel like going to deeply into it would be a violation of his privacy.  Having said that, I will not go into past detail as to how we got together, how we broke up and some of the events since then, so my thoughts may not make complete sense.  There has been the least amount of contact this year.  I think it has been twice.  My phone rang about 2ish months ago, I answered and it was Parker's paternal grandmother.  I haven't seen or heard from her since his father lived with her about 2 years ago.....now that I think about it, it was almost 2 years ago on the dot.  I take that back though, I have talked to her a few times, but not in the past year.  It was odd.  My heart was pounding.  I used to expect the random phone calls so it wasn't as shocking, but after you get used to not getting them, when they happen, it floors you.  It wasn't unpleasant, no yelling or arguing.....too much, just weird.  I don't know what she wanted.  Some how though, my words had been misconstrued into their family believing that I told them to lose contact with me and Parker.  That is not true.  I have told them that I wouldn't tolerate certain behavior around my child and that he wouldn't be dropped off randomly for a weekend here or a weekend there, but no contact at all?!?!?!  That is just fucking stupid.  So there was that discussion.  Did I mention that Parker and I were at Target when this happened?  Yea, so that was going on too.  *deep breath*
Basically, because of circumstance, I ended the conversation as quickly as I could.  Being the "I feel responsible for everyone" person that I tend to be, I felt awful.  I wanted to call her back and "clear the air," but when I thought about it more....I got angry.  Why should I pursue them when it was so easy for them to make me the bad person in the already black situation?  Why should I continue to try to make irresponsible people responsible?  *deep breath*
So why am I bringing this up now?  Facebook.  I love it.  I am on it entirely way too much. I like to post the ridiculous things that Parker says, our pictures, links to my blog, I like being sarcastic and ridiculous because I don't take it super super serious....but I do open my life on it.  I forgot that almost everyone has facebook.  I mean, my Dad does.  So I got a message on my favorite facebook from his grandmother.  Another floored kind of feeling.  I almost feel violated, like they shouldn't have been looking me up, but it's facebook.  I am so confused about my feelings for this family because of the years that I was a part of it and because of the amount of years I have been away from it.  It is a difficult situation.  There was also a friend request, which I will ignore.  There is too much of me on there  for them to see, which I am not okay with.  After a long discussion with my mom....I replied, short and nice....included my email with the request that we not stay in contact via facebook.  But now that door has been opened a crack.  Whether or not the people on the other side will take advantage of this cracked door is open for debate.  The recent past makes me think not and that this is just a blip for the time being and we will go on our very peaceful, merry way.  Or I will have to learn about the meaning of sharing again.  That latter will be difficult.  I have raised him and I will have a hard time "sharing" that responsibility if it ever got to that point.  But there it is.....I feel like I have taken a higher road.  I have left the door open.

Re: Bad Mommy Day

Last week I had a Mommy Meltdown.  It was Tuesday.  I wrote about it briefly.  But I definitely had Cryfest 2010 on the phone with my mom.  Parker had some really bad mornings with the Nanny and some bad evenings with me.  His lack of listening has been stressing me out and it was a breaking point last Tuesday.  We started a sticker chart on the calender last Wednesday.  He has the opportunity of 2 stickers everyday.  One given by his Nanny in the morning, and the other by me in the evening.  Although there is no am/pm divide on Saturday, he has the opportunity to get stickers too.  Sunday is his free day.  Great behavior means a bonus sticker that will make up for any days that were lacking stickers.  I explained it to him on either Tuesday or Wednesday.  He loved the idea and since then, I have my normal not overly whiny articulate little boy back.  On his weekly report card he had all smiley faces for behavior, 2 S's (satisfactory work) on Monday and Tuesday and 3 E's (excellent work) for Wednesday through Friday.  Something clicked back to normal.  This happens, and it does with every child, but it is so frustrating.  Suddenly you don't have your child anymore....they have been replaced with one that looks like yours but screeches in alien tones and speaks an unfamiliar language.  You feel like you are going crazy wondering why they are acting so effing weird!  And then, like that....in the blink of an eye....they are back.  It is such a drastic change in such a small amount of time that it makes you wonder, was it you or me?

I know I talk about this almost every other post I write...wondering how much of Parker's misbehavior is him or a reaction to me and my emotions.  While I know that I am separate from him and that he has his own mind and ability to make decisions, I am starting to understand that I can not take his behaviors personally.  This is going to be a difficult concept to grasp, but according to veteran moms, necessary to survive the teenage years.....I may as well start practicing now.  The next parenting challenge that I am forced to accept is knowing that his behavior is not a reflection on my parenting and mothering but a choice that he is making.  Teach him to make good decisions and then hoping that he remembers what I have taught him.  Luckily for now, stickers and a special treat after getting 12 stickers in 7 days is enough motivation for him to remember the lessons learned at home.  We shall see how long the sticker remain shiny to him.  (Wouldn't that be awesome if it lasted forever!!!!!!  I know, I know....unrealistic fantastical thinking.....)

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

100!

At dinner this evening Parker looks at me and informs me that he has something to tell me.  His face from smile to serious....I was thinking, "Oh crap!  What did he do!"  He takes a deep breath and looks at me square in the eye and says, "I have to tell you about something that I have now that I am at a different school than Liam.....[I hold my breath].  I have a friend.....that is a girl."  I held back laughter!  I asked if he meant a girlfriend, which he was quick to say no!....I ask what her name is, and he can't remember.  Then he says, "But I can tell you about her is that she [cute little smirk appears on his face] is cute."

I believe that my son may have a girlfriend.


Also, this is my 100th post.....it took me a while but I have reached The BIG 1-0-0!  (it's not as easy to say as the BIG 1-0, Jen and Lauren will get that....everyone else, not so much)

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Bad Mommy Day

Do any other Moms have those days where you question every parenting decision you make and have made? Parker had a rough day yesterday and all I could think about was how I could have done something different to prevent it....and I wasn't present when the bad behavior was displayed. Today I was preoccupied with whether or not it was going to be a repeat of yesterday. It wasn't. But I was so stressed out about it, and still am, that I teared up when I was casually talking about it, then had a melt down on the phone with my Mom. How can I prevent it? How can I change it? Am I blowing minor behavioral issues too big? Am I being a good Mom? What can I do to make sure that he doesn't turn into the person I fear him
turning into? Am I a good Mom?

This evening was great though, we ate dinner and then snuggled up on the couch to watch Glee. Suddenly we heard a noise and it was Mr. at the window.....a surprise visit. He has never surprised us before and it was wonderful because of the cummulative stress from my day but really bad timing....it was bedtime. I think we all know that bedtime was not smooth after that....

It was a struggle. But with some help from Mr. (I think he saw that my head was about to explode), Parker fell asleep at a reasonable time and we had a nice snuggly visit.

I think the chapter from the parenting manual about how to parent 5 year olds was ripped out of my manual....does anyone have a spare copy?

Saturday, September 18, 2010

Time to gush

***Warning!  The level of optimism you read here is not typical.  Do not expect it again***

I am here.  I am at Mr.'s house.  On his laptop...was on his back porch overlooking the amazing view of his backyard, but I got hot and couldn't see the computer screen so I moved inside.  But anyway, yes, I am here for the entire weekend.  Parker is camping with Grandpa Jeff and when this information got out, Mr. intived me to spend a relaxing lazy weekend with him.  When I found out that I had to work today, I assumed that I would just come over later tonight so we could go hit up Oktoberfest (mmmm....cream puffs and struedle and beer, oh my!), but he inisisted I come over friday with everything that I need so I could go to work and then come straight here.....kinda sweet.

Last night was great.  I accidently got a little drunk but we had a great time just the two of us.  Most of the time we have been seeing each other Parker is around....which is great, don't get me wrong, but just us is pretty amazing and exciting and fun and sexy and silly.  I enjoy being around him so much that I honestly could see him everyday....if my life allowed that of course.  But inevitably, due to alcohol and being retarded, we had some sort of "talk" about our feelings towards each other.  The normal Allyson, would have only listened to anything negative and not any of the amazing things he said to me, and I would not be here today.  But I am here.  I know he likes me.  I know he likes Parker.  I know he would be with me all the time if his life allowed it right now.  All wonderful things.  I am focusing on those things right now because I am having such a wonderful and happy time right now and regardless of how long it lasts, I don't want to ruin it today.  Maybe I will think of the reality of our lives and the reality of where we both are emotionally and all that tomorrow.....actually, maybe on Monday.  But right now, it feels so________.  I can't think of the correct word.  Comfortable?  Natural?  Happy? Good?  or just fill in that blank minded part with picturing a smile on my face.

Did I mention how adorable he is?  Because he totally is.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

BLARG on my blog

I mention a few posts ago that a friend of mine from work lent me a book to read.  I haven't finished the book yet but I love love LOVE it.  It has me thinking and questioning the world/government around me.  How would the American people react if this plot were true is a question I ponder with every page.  I know, you are sitting, gripping the seat you are sitting in while waiting in suspense for me to drop the title and the author so that you can run to your nearest book store to buy your own copy.  You are probably thinking it is something like Ishmael or 1984 or A Brave New World or The Giver...books that if read, you can have a different view on societal matters....but it is none of those titles....it is World War Z by Max Brooks. 

Typically it is hard for me to finish novels, and while I haven't finished this one yet, I know I will.  It is an oral history on the zombie outbreak and the war that followed.  It is great!  But has got me to thinking...how would we react if/when the zombie outbreak occurs?  There would obviously be a cover up because that is how the government likes to respond to anything that could affect  masses and cause panic.  So we know that they would do nothing but rumors would spread.  I know you are thinking that I am a bit off my rocker with this one...especially because I dropped the "when the zombie outbreak occurs" bit....but let's face it....it can't be that far off into the future.  Think about when Mary Shelly wrote her story about Dr. Frankenstein and the Monster he created.  She conjured up this story and published in the year of 1818.  Although it isn't known for sure what Shelley's influence were for her story, she and a group of people, her husband and friends, were traveling when her first oral version of the story was told.  It is believed that she referenced multiple stories such as Promethean myth from Ovid, John Milton's Paradise Lost, Samuel Taylor Coleridge's The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, William Thomas Beckford's Vathek, Mary Wollstonecraft's Vindication of the Rights of Woman, Humphry Davy's Elements of Chemical Philosophy.  But regardless of where she got her inspiration, the idea of creating a cognitive being from dead body parts, reanimation of dead cells is far beyond the time.  For 1818, it is very far fetched that the Monster could ever be created....if you put the story in the context of now, though, it doesn't seem as crazy.  At the time Shelley wrote her novel, the world was 149 years away from our first heart transplant, something that I am sure was unheard of at the time she was deciding how to write about a reanimated human being.  With that in mind, think about a viral outbreak that would create reanimation of dead humans-way less nuts-o than a heart transplant in the year 1818.  Now....I know, you are getting concerned about my mental health right now and wondering is I smoked a little something before sitting here to right this...I am of clean mind and body, I promise.  I am just saying, that we can't discount the idea....and I think that when it does happen, it will be because we created it to happen.  Zombies will not just occur on their own as a natural phenomena, but they will be created as a botched science experiment much like the Monster in Frankenstein.  It will be created and reek havoc on the person who created it...and then the world.

So everybody should just built their houses on stilts now and buy up all the guns in the world to get ready for it...don't forget to aim for their head!


But seriously....read this book, if you believe in/like zombies or not...read it.


(and if you have never read Frankenstein....read that one too)

Friday, September 10, 2010

September of disappointments

So there were two things that I was truly looking forward to this month and even though it is still the beginning of September, neither are looking like they will be successful. 

The first was setting a date to move from the apartment to a whole house.  Since my last counter offer, I have heard nothing.  My dual agent realtor has been on vacation but someone else from her office was supposed to be taking over while she was gone.  So based on that fact, homeownership is not looking like a possibility in the next 3 weeks.....I was so excited to give my 30 day notice to my landlord too....dang!

The second was taking a class this fall at UC.  I enrolled as a non-matriculated student mid summer to get a head start on building History credits since I am leaning towards History for my Master's, but unbeknownst to me when I did that, non program oriented students do not receive any kind of financial aid.....I feel like a dumbass for not knowing that one!  And I can't afford to go to school without financial aid, so I guess I have to stop procrastinating and just take that damn GRE already......(remember when I said I was going to take it in March?!?!?  HAHA!).   I hate hate hate hate standardized tests!  They do not predict what they are supposed to predict and they aren't standard!  I mean, really, who is the standard person that they are testing and then testing everyone else against?  I guarentee there are more "unstandard" people taking those tests than there are "standard."  It's kinda like the whole "reasonable person" shit that is written in to laws....who is that person again?

Anyway, I guess I just having to keep working towards both things and eventually I'll get there.  When I graduated from UC in 2007 and started working in the position I am in now, I gave my self until Parker was in Kindergarten to get another job or to start grad school.....we all know that Kindergarten has started, and while I am very satisfied with my job, grad school is haunting me and becoming an obsessive goal that I have to obtain or I will go insane.....maybe that is a little drastic, but you know what I'm saying....right?

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

One of those days

You know those days that you have that just shouldn't exist? It's not that something tragic has happened or really anything bad, but at the end of the day you have that, "what was the point of today?" feeling. Again, not whoa-is-me kinda crap, but you wonder what the life lesson was and why you needed it. Needless to say, that was my day. Slow at first and smooth. Nothing was wrong, I got a cute little morning text from mr, made a date for tomorrow, sliced salami and a bunch of ham before we opened....truly a smooth and successful morning and early afternoon. My phone rang a couple times and then there was the inevitable voice mail, "Hi, this is the nurse at Winton Montessori, Parker threw up."

Arg!!! I hate that call!! In the past I have contemplated not calling back until they call the er contacts! So the next inevitable thing happens, I go get him and then he stays at work with me. Whenever this happens I never leave work on time either, I am there way later than I need/should be, like today we left at 6pm. That is just stupid. Meanwhile, he was present and misbehaving while I had a manager meeting, while 50 new UC students came in, while I was still prepping for PM.....so on and so forth. Did I mention how unbelievably awful his behavior was today? Granted he was bored but he was fine too. For 4 hours I was completely stressed out and not able to actually focus on work or Parker... which of course makes me feel like I have failed at both mothering and my job.

It would be a perfect day to come home to "that" person. The one that will listen to you bitch and moan about your day to the point where they just make you laugh about it. Listen and bitch with you until you realize that it is over and it is time to let it go. Sometimes you need another person to tell you to let it go and that it doesn't really matter before you can actually do just that. When you don't have a release, all the stresses tend to fester inside and stay on you brain all night. And now, because of mr existing in my life, I wonder if he is that person for me. Like I have stately recently though, it is too soon to talk about him too much. But it is fun to wonder about the possibility of a future, even when my cynicism and realistic mind tells me not to.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Blockage

So this is now the third post that I am trying to start and complete.  That's right....third.  My attention span can not last an entire entry!  I have little snippets of my life that I want to talk about but really....none of it is interesting.  There is no more info on the house.  Parker is doing fine in Kindergarten.  Work is work.  We went to the WEBN fireworks for the the first time on Sunday.  Of course Parker was very excited and then once they started he FREAKED out.  Started screaming and crying that he wanted to go home....luckily one of the people we were with had a bit of toilet paper that we used as ear plugs.....a much happier Parker after that.  But really these were amazing fireworks.  I have never seen anything like them before.  The company we were with was pretty alright too.  In fact, I think that I am going to have to come up with a blog worthy ambiguous name for a certain person.  Really, I want to talk about mr, but it's too soon.  And yes, that is my clever ambiguous name for him....clever, his initials.  (LAME!)

So a week of not writing anything and this is all I got.  I will do better next time.  I started reading an amazing book and a friend of mine at work is lending me one about Zombies.....so maybe that will give me some blog fodder...until then, just ADD little posts about nothing.....

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Hardball sucks

First my last post. 

I wish I could share fabulously great news like, we are closing in October!  But, I can't.  Negogiations kinda suck.  I know there will be other houses and maybe something spectacular is around the corner, but for now I will be disappointed and I'm okay with that.  In the mean time we will continue living below our best friends and dealing with our dumbass landlord.....wasting my money.

On a bit of a small rant about buying a house....someone said to me that they were surprised that I would want to buy a house considering that I am a single mom.  Why would I want to take on the responsibility of a house?  There was a mention of the freedom of an apartment and renting, that I could move whenever I want to basically.  It was an interesting comment.  Historically, in a social sense, a single woman wouldn't buy a house because it would then create an odd dynamic in her single life, an obstacle to finding a mate.  But that was not his reasoning, but a more realistic one about responsibility and the fact that I am, indeed, a busy lady.  I see where he was coming from, if I have an issue in the apartment, I call my dumbass landlord and hope that he takes care of it before my next rent check is due....but it would all be on my shoulders in a house.  I thrive on responsibility.  I don't know why or when it started, but I like the extra pressure.  I work at my best under pressure, so I think that I can handle it.  After I thought about this gent's comment for a while I realized that I am ideal for property ownership.  I am trying to establish roots for Parker, not a spontaneous living condition.  I have no plans of just up and leaving town because of Parker.  If I was childless and single there would be no way I would buy a house because I wouldn't want the commitment.  I brought up my point later and that thought was one that hadn't crossed his mind.

Yes, a house would be a huge added responsibility in my life and yes, I would be the only adult there to take care of any issues that would come up, but how cool would it be for Parker and I to have our own true space with a yard and our own grill and a front porch and starting a new chapter in our lives....not that we haven't been on our own, but with our own house.  I guess I am kind of a romantic about the notion of home ownership and until the reality of it crushes my romantic hopes and dreams, I will remain optimistic that I should buy a house.


(optimism is hard for me so consider that last statement to be huge progress!)

Monday, August 30, 2010

Hardball

At 8pm tonight I made an offer on the house that I am totally in love with. A low offer. I know what it was bought for, I know what it needs and the cost of those needs and I know how much work they put into it, so I made a solid, much less than they are asking for, offer. The hour and a half I was at my realtor's was nerve racking! One my way over I was talking to my Dad for a pep talk, I told him I felt like I needed another person with me for that, but these kinds if things are the decisions that single adults make, I don't need anyone to hold my hand. My realtor told me the seller was a tough cookie, I leaned in and told her that I'm a tough cookie too.

So my realtor already called back with a counter offer....I told her I would call her tomorrow. Hardball has begun.

Sunday, August 29, 2010

Please kick my ass!

My realtor called while Parker and I were at the game, when I was about to listen to the voicemail, my heart stopped in anticipation that there was bad news. There is a house I know I can afford. I'm preapproved, my ducks are all lined up but I haven't made an offer....why!?!?!? Someone please kick my ass in gear! Why am I such a procrastinator?!?!?!? Whenever I procrastinate like this I think maybe I am okay with the status quo...I'm not! Just tell me to do it and I will probably have made an offer by the end of the week. Okay, there you go, you have permission to boss me around sooooo......go!

I do make a move on my own when I boils down to it, like I finally replaced my broken screen phone yesterday, I forgot how wonderful a not broken screen on an iPhone feels....like it told Jen, it's smooth like sex ;)

Saturday, August 28, 2010

Funk Man!

I am completely in a funk.  I know exactly why and it just plain pisses me off.  I am a busy lady between working and Parker so I don't have much free time that I haven't already designated to hanging out with Nikki and Zach or going to Dayton to visit my wonderful family.  Sometime I even like to do nothing on the weekends!  Whenever I try to throw a third commitment into my double committed life, it gets all funky.  Like my attention span is only big enough for work and Parker.....nothing else.  This completely has to go!  I have a lot that I have decided to take on recently!  I think I have found a house that I want to purchase, I signed up for a class to get this Master's degree ball rolling and.....well, I guess I have really only added two things, but it feels like more......oh yes, I think I am dating someone.  I am not sure though because I am kind of a moron at telling those things, but it seems like it is on that path  (But it it is never mentioned again, I am just being a moron right now)

But now that I have added to my life (which is kind of the point of living, to add to your life, and not always in the material sense but in the fulfillment sense), the things that have pre-existing importance seem to be out of whack.  Like at work....I am supposed to have the fall schedule done by Wednesday (a time line that I set for my self).....a schedule for some 20 or so employees who are mostly in college and demand very specific hours while I have to make it to meet my demands, my fellow GM's demands and our shift runner's demands.....and I haven't even looked at anyone's availability!  My labor is too high, yesterday I walked around like a zombie most of the day, I don't feel like maintaining my usual responsibilities and frankly, I feel like I am losing my normal controlling, bad ass self.......

The other part of my life, Parker, I have never had under control.  We waver on when we get along and when we don't.  The focus for most the past month has been all about him going to Kindergarten...that has been my main focus and thought.  There was basically nothing else on my mind.  Now, granted, it's only been a full week in, I feel the routine falling slowly into place.  My focus is not completely around him and Kindergarten anymore, but I am trying to get work back on track so the past couple days has been a bit of a struggle with Parker, our equilibrium is jacked up.  Luckily, this weekend is a Mommy and Parker weekend, and generally we get back to the same page when we can spend time together that is not confined to our house and chores, when there is something that we go do together.  We are going to the Reds game on Sunday and looking forward to watching them smash the Cubs.....should be good.

Back to the point.....will there ever be a time when I can balance more than my child and my job?  Losing my grip on both has damaging effects on my belief in my ability to handle more.  I think I can most of the time, but then this happens and I lose my intensity for the rest of what I am trying to reach.  This house is amazing and I was supposed to call my bank this week about my pre-approval, but I didn't.  I still haven't figured out my financial aid for school.  And I have no idea what to even think about this gentleman that has entered my life (so therefor I won't think of that part).  Negotiating what I want and what I can handle is so very hard to do.  Most of the time I think I can take on anything and everything, people around me make me believe that I can too....which is probably the best support that I could ask for, but I feel like I may come up short sometime and disappoint someone.....and as a middle child, disappointing anyone is one of my biggest fears.

Thursday, August 26, 2010

The Nanny

As many of you know, Parker started Kindergarten last week and loved it.  This week has been about the same.....about.  Beyond the transition to Kindergarten, we have also added a new person into our daily lives....I can't remember if I mentioned this before but, I hired a nanny type person.  I struggle calling her a nanny because it makes me feel so bourgeois.  I feel like if I call her that, I am saying that I am/was too good for the before school program, which I assure I am/was not.  Parker has had to wake up at 5:30am for the past 2 years, go to work with me at 6:30am for a half hour and then at 7am, go to daycare for the entire time they were open.....that is a long effing day for anyone especially for a child....but that was our routine and he took a 3 hour nap in the middle of the day.  Nap time is no more so I was struggling with the idea of taking him to before school care at 7:30 am (which would totally not work with my schedule) and him be alert enough to fully participate during class....so the solution find someone to come to my house at 6am, help him get up, dressed and take him to school.  And that is what we are doing....getting use to Kindergarten and getting use to a new person waking up Parker.  He was fine last week but this week he has had two sobby days.  I can't complain though because he hasn't been misbehaving but I just have to give him time to adjust.  I am very lucky, the young woman that I hired is the "all time babysitter."  This is what she has been doing for two different families for a couple years.  She is very sweet and gets a long great with Parker.  I think that she is starting to be able to converse with me easier too.  I talk a lot (shocking!!) and the conversations have been more one sided, but I figured, maybe I shouldn't talk so much.....I think it's working!!


A couple funny school stories.

Last Wednesday when I picked Parker up he admitted to getting chocolate at school.  He said that he was going to have to drink a lot of white milk at home because of it.

Thursday he told he bought a pickle in the lunch line.

Friday his lunch bag was almost completely full.  I asked what he ate and he said, "The Capri Sun, 1 white milk, 1 chocolate milk, a pickle and the bag of Cheetos."

Monday he told me school was too long and asked when spring break was starting.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

What's in a Word?

Another thrilling topic hosted by Transatlantic Blonde for our Friday Feminist discussion.....the power of words.  Again, Ms.Blondie....beautiful choice.  I don't know where to start.  Words, like everything else, are gendered.  Now I know, right off the bat, there will be an argument as to whether or not this is true.  But it is.  Word selection is extremely influential is what we want our readers to take away from what they reading.  Same with what they are hearing.  It is tricky.  At work, I train people to use certain words with customers.  Like when we up sell product, you always was to use the word "add"because of the perceived extra value that is attached to that word.  If you just ask a person if they "want" something, they are then most likely to be upset but the extra cost because there is the perception of choice.....either they get the product or they don't but it is up to them.  It feels like I am being deceiving when I ask questions in a certain way, but since I have switched, I have had no issues with people being upset with the extra cost.....so it's all in the word.  This example, however, is conscious.  I know that I am doing it and I am doing it completely on purpose and expect those around me to follow suit.....but how do we handle the words people choose that are hurtful and they don't realize the meaning behind them.

There are three words that automatically make me turn red.  I get angry, fist clenched, want to yell in faces, angry.  I almost don't want to share them because whenever I do, people feel the need to use all three in a sentence, plus if I use them, then I am also giving those words power.  But here they are and my reasons for not using them and hating them.

Nigger.  I was raised that everyone is equal.  I did not grow up in a diverse community, it was very conservative and very white.  This was a word that was thrown around a lot by the white middle class boys that I went to school with.  It has always struck a nerve with me although I don't know the origin of the nerve, I do not tolerate it.  It bothers me when I here black men and women using it as well.  The argument is that the black community has taken back the word to empower it....since it is used widely in the black community, the idea is that the negative connotation will leave once it is empowered.  That is not true.  No matter who uses it and in what context, it is negative.  That word is meant to put a person into a lower status, whether they are black or not.  When is it used, it describes someone who "needs" their power to be taken away.  This word will never be empowered because of it's history.

Faggot.  For a long time I didn't know what this word meant.  I called my cousin a "fag" once because I heard his older brother say it....my aunt went ballistic on me for it but no one told me why it was bad and why I shouldn't use it.  When I was a young teenager I found out the history of this word.  Now, I have never actually researched it, but the story I was told was enough.  My best teenage friend's mom is a lesbian.  I spent a lot of time at their house.  She is a wonderful woman and took in a lot of foster care teens.  Most of them were young men and once I heard one of them use that word.  She was so good at keeping her calm.  This word struck a nerve with her....we could all see it in her face.  She calmly asked if anyone knew why that word was so negative against gay men....no one knew.  I knew that it can be used in place of cigarette, but I didn't know what connotation she was speaking of.  She told us that another term for faggot was 'a bundle of sticks.'  She said that "a long time ago" people would tie up gay men like a bundle of sticks and set fire to them because of their sexual identity.  I think I was about 13 when I heard her tell that story, and again, I have never researched it, but it was enough for me to understand that it is a hurtful word.  Another word that put power over another person.  And another word that has a societal reference to violence against a group from the margins.




There are so many words that we use to sectionalize people.  We refer to women as chicks and bitches because it is a reminder that, although you are people, you only have the status of an animal to me.  We disembody women by allowing words like pussy and cunt to describe weakness, as though our vaginas and uteri are weak.  We use the word girly to tell a boy that he just isn't quite right, that he is less because he is more feminine, because being a woman is so weak.  When you think about the words we (I mean society by the way) use to describe weakness, status, and size, they are all female words.  Our language has linked being female to being weak.  It should be converse.  Women bear children.  That takes insurmountable strength.  Our uteri are anything but weak.  Our bodies know when they need to reject an unhealthy fertilized egg.  Our bodies know when it is time for the baby to be born.  Our bodies know a monthly pattern that is connected with nature.  Our bodies, the changes that we go through from puberty to child bearing to menopause, is nothing but strength.    I start to think about this too much and it makes me want to ramble for hours.....where is the root to our language turning on women?  why were these negative connections made?  how the fuck are we going to shake the connotation from the denotation?