Thursday, November 29, 2012

7 Year Wisdom

You know those night where you are ready to strangle your child?  Not because of anything serious but because they have honestly just been really annoying all night and not listening to the simplest instruction?  Well, I have a fix for you when you are having one of those night like I am tonight.....think of something that your child did to make your heart swoon for them with in the past week.  If you can't think of anything your child did that week to make your heart swoon.....then I can't help you.....sorry.

Tonight I am reminding myself of the three bits of wisdom my son expressed starting last Wednesday.

The first bit:
We were having Thanksgiving at my Dad's house last Wednesday evening.  It was a small occasion, just my dad, step mom, sister, brother in law, grandma and grandpa and of course, RP and I.  My dad caught my grandma off guard by telling her that she was going to say grace so my quick witted grandmother asked us each to name something we were grateful for so that we were all apart of grace.  She started with RP and he said, "I am thankful for our houses, our food and love."  He went first and that it how amazing of a thought this kid had!  I love that!  He is thankful for love!!  Instantly I felt like I have been doing something right.

The second bit:
On Friday RP and I went downtown for the tree lighting and ice skating.  We try to go every year because we both love being downtown and going to Fountain Square so much.  He is a fearless ice skater and I have become more confident too....I mean, he can't be better than me, I'm the Mom!  So anyway, we are waiting in line, a band is singing Christmas songs and then he looks at me and says, "You know that Christmas isn't really about getting presents?  It's about being with your family.  It's a nice to be able to see all your family together.  That is what it is really about....not presents."  This child is the most kind hearted kid in the world!!!!!  Again, felt like I am doing something right.

The third bit:
At some point in the last few weeks I purchase the original Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.  RP has only seen bits and pieces of it so we watched it the other day.  It was Saturday morning that I put it on at mr's house but I had to run out and renew my plates for my car.  It was still on when I returned and it was around the time that Veronica (?) what a golden goose of her own and she wanted it to lay 100 golden eggs a day.  RP is sitting on that couch and he says, "These kids only think about them selves."  And then he gave kind of a laugh/snort.....almost as though he thought their behavior was ridiculous.

So tonight, while he has been not showing bits of wisdom, I have reflected upon the past week.  He is an amazing kid and he has those moments of enlightenment, it is hard when he is a regular 7 year old again.  But I feel better now, less stressed.  He is finally in bed and.....wait for it.......yes, I think he is asleep.  This kind of therapy works by golly! 

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

The Sisters

These are my sisters.  We are cute little girls huh?  Please note that the intensity of how pale I am has always been so.

See how we are silly?





It is the time of year that everyone lists the things for which they are thankful.  My list is long.  I feel as though some are obvious, like I am thankful that my son is healthy and happy.  I am thankful that I have mr in my life and we are in a healthy and happy relationship.  I am thankful for those family members who are still in my life, and for those I had the opportunity of loving before they passed.  I am thankful for old friends, new friends.  I am thankful for my parents and my step parents and all the family that I have gained through my step parents.  I am thankful for a lot.  It is hard to not be thankful when I have family and friends who have never ceased to support me and my son.

Lauren's first Phish show on her bday a couple years ago


Today I am most thankful for my sisters.  They are both amazing.  I miss them both everyday.  I know I don't call either of them as much as I should, but I think about them daily.  When we are together, we are full of laughter......and sometimes tears.  I still get mad at them....like really mad, but I think it is such a strong feeling because of how much I love them.  I can't imagine a world without either of them.  They are beautiful, smart, artistic, crafty, funny, silly, inspirational women.  I am so proud of both of them.  I feel bad for people in this world who don't know them or who have never given knowing them a chance.  They are the people you want in your corner.  I love you both and I know that you both contribute to who I am in very different ways. 
This one used to be my favorite

Thank you for letting annoying the crap out of you Jen and still wanting to be my friend.....eventually.  Thank you for letting me tease you relentlessly Lauren and be able to laugh about it now.  Thank you both for playfully making fun of me for most of my life, I am able to laugh at my self which can relieve a lot of stress. 

Nice Lauren :)











I will miss you at Thanksgiving Lauren.  Happy Birthday tomorrow, I am so glad you are safe and okay.
This one is my new favorite...I love us!
This one was my favorite for a while too


Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Inaugural Green BEAN Experience



Yesterday it finally came!!!  No, not the election, well yes the election, but my first Green BEAN Delivery!!!  What is Green BEAN Delivery you ask?  Well, let me tell you.

Green BEAN Delivery is a home delivery produce company.  They are dedicated to using local vendors and most of the vendors on their list are organic farmers.  You go to their site, sign up, and about week later you can pick the produce and/or grocery items you want and BAM!  They show up on your door step on your designated delivery day!

I opted for the small produce bin plus grocery items for my first delivery.  The site will make recommendations as to the size of the produce that will fit you and your family needs.  Since it is just RP at home, the small worked great.  I chose the one with extra grocery items for primarily one reason.  One of the local vendors that Green BEAN Delivery works with is Fabulous Ferments in Northside.  I am familiar with their sauerkraut from their booth at Findlay Market, but it wasn't until I was working in Clifton at the JJ that I was introduced to their Kombucha.  Oh my god, it's my fav!  Especially the Purple Party Time Carrot (or something like that).  They also have Beet Kvass, which sound kinda nasty at first, but you crave more after you drink some!  Anyway, I haven't had Fab Ferment's Kombucha since I have stopped working in Clifton (Whole Foods in Mason doesn't carry it *LAME!*), so I was super excited to see that Green BEAN Delivery sells their products.  Although they don't have all the flavors of Kombucha, it doesn't matter to me! 

So, I chose the small bin plus groceries.  They have a minimum order of $35 and my total was $35.90 (because of the Kombucha).  All of the items, with exception of the green beans, were organic but the beans are from Ohio.  Starting on Thursdays, I am able to modify my bin for the Tuesday delivery.  There is so much to choose from or you can just get what ever they throw in there and have it be a surprise.  Of course I modified mine.  They had potatoes originally in my bin, but we are not really potato kind of eating folks, so I switched those out for some green beans, mushrooms and a kiwi.  All together, I received 21 separate items (aka 4 Fuji apples I am counting as 4 items not 1).  I have not conducted a huge comparison to what I spend at Kroger's weekly, but just a brief look at the last receipt it had....I had 18 produce items (not including frozen) and spent roughly $1.35 per item.  In my bin I had 21 items and spent roughly $1.33 (excluding the Kombucha).  So they are close, except I never buy organic at Kroger because it is so much more per lbs.  So really, this week, I have spent less on my produce purchase.

I had one of my apples today and it was delicious.  The bananas were not yet ripe, nor the pears.  The broccoli was beautifully green, the carrots fresh and orange, the mushroom were loose packed in a brown paper bag, there was two squashes that looked like acorn (although they were called something else), a big bag of green beans......hmm....I can't remember what else was in there now!  Oh yea, oranges!






RP was so excited about the bin already being on our step when we got home from work/school.  He insisted on bringing it into the house alone.  We then had a discussion about how it was like when the tooth fairy comes except it has nothing to do with teeth, pillows or money.  You know how a conversation with a 7 year old goes....you start in one place and end up in a completely different place.

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

My night with the Pres

So here we are at the end of another election.  There are only hours left now before the votes are all counted and we find out if President Barack Obama will continue forward or if his inertia will be halted by the Romney and Right wall.  I am glad that it is almost over.  This election has been especially tolling.  I once was surrounded by people who, although would not always agree with me, we were at least looking to a future in the same direction.  That is not the case in my life any longer.

I have never really felt like an outsider of thought when I am around other women.  All the women in my life, friends and family, have been very liberal in their thoughts.  Since I started my new job in the Spring, I have found my self surrounded by wonderful women but close to none of them share my same liberal attitude.  It is perplexing to me.  I have tried to understand where they have all come from to reach their political stances today.  Two of them used to own small business, so I can kinda get where their roots are, but the other ladies, I just scratch my head.  One of them has shared stories of her struggle as a woman in business and being a hippy in the 70's and struggling as a young working mom when that was not the norm, but she is so far on the right, that her back ground confuses me.  Another is very well education and down to earth that I can hear the teasing jokes about the right come from her, but she only has those jokes against the left.  I could go on about each woman that I work shoulder to shoulder with, but that isn't my point.  I am happy and enjoy working there almost everyday, but the days when politics are brought into the conversation are days that I feel like I am suffocating.  Being an outsider in political thought in a small office, and voicing that opposition is not a wise decision.  I am silencing my self and it is miserable.  (But I was also taught you don't talk about politics, money or religious at work)  The moments that I have spoken out sets a very uncomfortable mood and low talking from then on out.  Is it because I spoke against the status quo of the location?  Or has it absolutely nothing to do with anything I have presented?  I have no idea, but the feeling of tension chokes me.

When I leave that space on those rough political days, I want to vent about it.  I want an audience of commiseration.  I want to go off on a political rant and bad mouth that republican and bad mouth another and be ridiculous, sarcastic and over dramatic about what I have encountered during the day.  That is my stress release....slander.  I don't have that outlet available to me like I had daily in college and even at JJ.  It is an outlet that I took for granted.  I have a boyfriend who loves me and respects me and does not agree with me politically.  What I want to be a rant and commiseration from him turns into a respectful discussion on politics that I simply don't want to have.  It winds me up tighter and tighter because I have already dealt with that all day at work  And then I tend to shut down.

So I have been stressed out about this election more than any election previously.  The outcome of the next few hours is very scary to me.  I shudder to think of what the country will look like if the President is not re-elected.  But my purpose is not to preach or share all of those fears here. 

Sunday at 2:30 in the afternoon, RP and I took our position in line to see President Obama give one of his final speeches at one of his final rallies held at UC.  We stood in line.  Then RP found some kids to play with.  Then I started talking to the people (mostly women) around me in line.  There were two older women in front of me.  Both recalled rallies they had attended for Jimmy Carter.  I would say one was about my parents' age and the other a bit older.  In front of those two ladies were three UC students.  All three of them were voting for the first time today.  They all had such an energy about the rally and the importance of voting.  Behind me was an older white guy who eventually had his wife/girlfriend (?) show up to join him.  He had a really dry sense of humor and would have cracked a joke about 5 minutes before you realized what he had said.  Behind them were two 40ish black women and behind them, an entire black family.....and then a whole bunch more people.  We all talked, we commiserated, we laughed, we poked fun, we yelled at the Romney supporters that would drive by yelling at us, we all progressed through the line hoping that we would make it into the building.  When we passed the protesters of the rally from the right, we were shocked at how racist and mean their comments were.  We shared stories of our experiences together.  I got the relief from my election tension that I needed about two months ago and it was great.  I could have stayed in line for another 4 fours with those people around me talking about our ideals and how we want to move forward.  But all good things must come to an end and for the lucky ones, the end was getting to hear Stevie Wonder sing and Obama speak.

The vibe of the arena was amazing.  It was positive and up lifting.  There were families, college students, union workers, business people, mothers, fathers, older generations, white, black, Indian, Asian....it was a cross section of the American public all sitting in one giant room with the same purpose.  We all were looking in the same direction.  I am still getting goosebumps reflecting on the feeling and atmosphere of that room.  It was intense.  I am poorly describing it here.  I have never had such an experience before in my life and it was nothing less than amazing.  And then President Obama spoke.  I can only say that it was powerful.  There were two Romney hecklers in the crowd that were so disruptive, they were asked to leave.   I don't know why someone would wait so long in line just to be disrespectful and then get kicked out....I mean seriously, what's the point.

I know the picture I have posted is not the best and I had intended to post a few more, but they don't my memory justice.  My phone had died and apparently you can not zoom so well on an iPad for pictures.  I will never forget going on Sunday.  It is an experience the RP and I will share together forever.  No matter what side of the aisle he falls on when he is an adult and voting, he will always have the memory of the time his mom took him to see the President. 

Monday, October 22, 2012

A New Name

It's close upon us......the end is near........hold on to your loved ones because the other side of the hill is fast approaching.....that's right.......in one month I will be........30!!!!!!!!  Run fast and away from this travesty!!!!

30.....jeeze, when did I get so old?  Well, I mean, in a month, when did I get so old?  I'm not really fearful of it, but it does stop to make me think and reflect.  Like, 20 years ago.....I made the biggest deal out of turning The Big 1-0.  Seriously, ask anyone in my family....I made a BIG deal out of it.  It was just 10 though.  I mean, yea it's pretty important when you finally reach the double digits, but I went a little overboard.  Ten years ago, when I turned 20.....I honestly don't really remember what I did.  Shockingly though, I do remember my 21st birthday because my best friends threw me a Blue's Clues themed birthday.  It was great.  I got my own Handy Dandy Notebook and all.....wait maybe that was my 20th birthday.....crap!  I'm getting so old I can't even remember ten years ago!

I never really thought of turning 30 so I don't know that I am upset with where I am in life....I would like to have a little more student loan debt paid off by now and it would be nice to not have the pay check to pay check kind of life style, but then again....I had my son at 22, graduated college at 24 and worked at the same restaurant from 20 to 29 and then started a new career at 29.  I can't expect a money making miracle to come out of the past ten years.....especially with the way that RP eats.  I'm surprised we have money left for clothes! 

This is totally lame, but my biggest problem with turning 30 is the fact that I will have to change my blog sub title......A Day in the Life: The View from a Sarcastic, In a Relationship but Not Married 30ish Mom......that just doesn't sound as appealing, what do you think?

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

*Warning* This is a rant. Please do not adjust your screen, this is only a rant

Tonight is the second Presidential Debate......I should really watch that.  I know I should, even though it really is a dance and pony show, I should be more informed to it.  I still have to watch the first one.  And I'm going to....I swear.  I know that my life will be affected if either of them are elected but trying to figure out how to keep my son from acting up in school seems more important to me at this moment.  I don't know what to do anymore.

Last week he told me that an older girl in the morning Y program was being mean to him.  Although I have spoken to the lady in charge on site, the director of the program still has not called me back (I left the first voicemail for her on Friday).  So while this is in progress of resolution, his teacher also emails me on Friday that he has teased the same new kid in his class more than once.......not a great email to read on your lunch break, kind of is distracting for the rest of the day.  After school we sit down and hash it out.  He is angry for being teased and teased another kid.  He is angry because he doesn't feel like he can tell the grown ups at his school to take care of any one teasing him.  He is angry.  Naming feelings and relating them to his behavior is something that he struggles to do.  But, he is angry.  I don't blame him.  My method of managing the situation was what I was taught.  You walk away and if that doesn't work, you tell a grown up.  What the hell was I thinking?!  He can't advocate for himself!  He is 7 for fuck's sake!!!  And now he is acting out his anger instead of naming it.  So now I am angry....at my self.

Although he doesn't believe it, he is lucky to have the teacher he does.  She cares about him.  She looks out for him.  She communicates with me about his behavior when it's needed.  Yesterday she responded to my very long winded email from the Friday night hash out.  She gave some great advice and told me that RP was making a very real effort to befriend the boy he had teased.

Then today, the more typical email from her.....RP has disrupted lesson.....again.  He was making silly faces at other child to make them laugh.  As previously written about, this acting out has become quite normal for RP.  He saw a counselor last year to help develop his self control and he has started the same counseling program this year.  Him getting in trouble for goofing off is so irritating!  It isn't that bad, I mean, it's not like he is punching other kids or destroying property, but he is still impeding on the education of others around him. 

We have a sticker on the calender system in our house.  He gets solid face stickers for having a good day at school and glitter face stickers for having a good evening and bedtime.  He is allowed to "cash" in x amount of solid face stickers for a prize from the pumpkin bucket and the same for the glitter face stickers or he is allowed to save them throughout the month and get one big prize.  Then we start over the next month.  It's been working pretty well.  He tells me when I pick him up from school if he deserves a solid face sticker for that day.  Even when I haven't received an email about behavior, he will fess up to having a verbal warning once that day and he understands, that means no sticker.  He also knows that when he doesn't get a sticker for the school day that it means he has an evening privelage taken away.  He is aware of the consequences at home but it doesn't prevent anything!  It is so frustrating!!!!!  Why won't it click for him yet!  His teacher is very understanding and caring, and I count my lucky starts that he is in montessori where he will have her until the end of third grade, but just because she is patient and works with him doesn't mean that his future teacher will be so willing.


Thursday, October 11, 2012

The Pretty Blue Box

I have this earring box.  It is blue and it is pretty.  I got the earring box about 18 months ago.  Inside lived my beautiful diamond earrings that are a signature of my everyday life.  So this pretty blue box has had no purpose in life since the diamond earrings have become a fixture in my ears. 

Last Thursday night, RP and I are brushing our teeth.  He reaches up in the cabinet to put his toothbrush away and notices the pretty blue earring box.  Mind you, this box has been in the cabinet, next to our tooth brush cup for quite some time.  He has always liked it, but has never really asked me about it until Thursday.  Of course he asks if he can have it.  I explain to him that no, he can not because if I ever need a place to put my earrings, they need their box.  And of course he asked why I can't use a different box.  I tell him that I don't have a different box because the diamond earrings are the only earrings that I have.  Again, that is not satisfactory for him and he asks again if he can have the box.  Trying to change the course of the conversation, I ask him why he wants my earring box.  *Looking back at the convseration I really wish there was something hilarious to insert here, but there is not.* He did have a real reason, just that he wants it.  So again, I told him no and to move the conversation along to completion, I told him that maybe one day if I ever have another pair of earrings and an earring box, I would consider giving the pretty blue one to him.

So the weekend moves on....we camp out in the cold cold wet wet rain on Friday.  Do Cub Scout stuf related to the camping out on Saturday morning.  Go to Dayton, I come back to Cincy solo because MR and I had a beautiful wedding to attend were I may have had one too many Vodka and Cranberry.  Sunday we each lunch with my long-lost-only-in-Cincinnati-for-one-day Mandy and her boyfriend *who I think is great*.  Try to get my new iPhone 5 *which failed* and take a nap and then head to Cub Scouts where RP is being dropped off by my father.

Naturally they are late.  What is odd though is that my father and step mother stay for the meeting....weird.  So after the meeting we are saying our good byes in the parking lot, and suddenly Parker holds a pretty gold box with a ribbon tied around it up to me.  My dad said something about this being my birthday present and quickly RP and my step mom correct him.  According to RP, it isn't a birthday present, it is just a regular present.  So I open it, and inside are these.....

Because I am who I am and I think the way that I think, my first reaction was, he got me a pair of earrings so he could get the pretty blue box!!!!!  Then my second reaction was, that is so sweet that my little boy wanted to get me a pair of earrings so that he could have the pretty blue box.  My third reaction was pretty much the same, but regardless of all that, I was very surprised and touched that my son voiced something that he wanted to do and made it happen.

So Monday morning comes along and one of the first things out of RP's mouth is asking if I am going to wear my new earrings.  I did, and man oh man are they heavy!  Not used to anything but my studs!  When I told him they were heavy he looked at me an apologized!!!  He thought that meant that I didn't like them, I reminded him that I love them and that I would just have to get used to them.  He smiles and we leave.

Monday, MR picked him up from school and I went there to get RP for soccer practice.  The first thing he said to me was, "you actually wore them all day!  Well, I guess you got used to them huh?  *chuckles* At least half way used to them at least."  *It is funnier if you could hear him and the way he talks*  Then, while we were on our way to soccer, he says, "Mom, I didn't buy you the earrings just so that I could have the blue box.  After we talked about your earrings I thought, I should really get my mom some jewelry!"

He is growing so quickly and to the point where he is very thoughtful about what he does for his family, whether it be gifts or words or actions.  Although I do not know if I would have chosen the same earrings that he got me, they are amazing to me.  They represent a change in his development and a step in his growth.  I love being the parent of a seven year old.  I know that I have felt this at every age he has been, but it just seems to get better and better even though it is getting harder too.  It seems like in the past week, even the way he is approaching his homework and reading is different.  Almost like things are clicking for him and he is enjoying school work more.....maybe I just think about him and his developmental steps too much.......naaahhhhh, that can't be it!!  *haha!*




Sunday, September 30, 2012

Like my outfit?


Last year at this time, Parker had just joined Cub Scouts and I was debating about becoming the Den Leader.  It was a hard decision but I ended up be a pretty badass assistant.  It was fun and eventually through the year I was asked to become the Committee Chair for the entire Pack.  It wasn't until I started my new job that I said yes.  It was a hard decision.  I had just left a job that required 60 hour work weeks to go to a normal 40 hours and now I was facing volunteering a lot of my new found free/RP/mr time to running a Cub Scout Pack.  I am so happy that I said yes.

Sometimes I laugh at my self because of how into Cub Scout I have become.  There are so many things that have happened in Boy Scouts of American that I completely disagree with and completely do not support, like gay and lesbian parents getting pushed out of the organization because of who they are.  I hate that.  It is interesting to me that the Pack are all run out of churches here, and maybe it is a difference between the Girl Scouts that I grew up with compared to Cub Scouts, but ours were out of our school.  I had no idea that Girl Scouts and Cub Scouts was so Christian until I was older in my teens.  But, there are so many benefits for RP.  While RP is has a lot of athletic skill, he is not as aggressive as other kids his age at sports.  It is discouraging for him.  He excels at everything he has learned in Cub Scouts and finds such value in what he has learned.

I am such a nerd about this Pack we are apart of.  Over the summer, we had a meeting at the Winton Woods parcourse for the boys to achieve their Physical Fitness beltloop.  During the course, there was a very tall set of monkey bars.  Some of the boys could do it and others needed their parental help.  But there was this one boy there.  He parents had dropped him off so he did not have his dad or mom there like the other boys did.  He was determined to conquer these monkey bars because he had never gone all the way across.  Watching him achieve something that he had never done before and seeing the pride on his face was a moment that I will never forget.  He was shocked when he finished.  He stood there, looked at me and said, "I have never been able to go all the way across before and I just did it!"  His excitement was contagious and I couldn't help but jump up and down and cheer for him.  It was so profound to watch this boy take a step forward in his ability and confidence.  I asked if I could be there with him when he told his mom.  I couldn't help but want to share that experience as well.

Just seeing the skills and confidence that RP is gaining through the things he does in this organization is intense.  I know I wrote about it over the summer, but he did a resident camp at Cub World.  Three days and two nights away from home and without knowing a single person.  While he was there, he learned different skills, like shooting a BB gun, archery, fishing, swimming, and so on and so on....but he learned to be a little more self reliant.  He learned he can be away from home and from me with out worry.  I still smile with pride when I think of how he was so brave to do that camp before he turned 7.

It is hard for me to not be involved with the things that RP is involved in.  I don't want to miss a moment like the other little boys parents missed.  I want to be part of the development, especially because I can not be apart his everyday school life.  So this Pack has become my third job, it has my dedication and my passion.  I want it to become stronger.  I want it to thrive and be a group that the community looks at and knows that those boys are learning about how to treat their family, community and planet with respect.

I never really pictured myself as being a person who could give up my time to volunteer with any group.  I know that it is selfish to think that way, but I have never volunteered nor had that desire.  I can't think of not volunteering now.  Even when RP is beyond Cub Scouts and/or Boy Scouts, I think that I will always have to spend some time volunteering with a group or organization.  It is so beneficial and can make a difference.  I am sorry it took me so long to see that, but I am so happy that I have found it.

****if you want to buy popcorn and support RP.....just let me know in a comment or something ;)****

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

It's hard to admit, but I screwed up this summer.  I have tried to not screw anything up for so long, my lapse in responsibility is stilling making me kick my ass everyday.  I hurt someone that I love dearly.  The inertia of our relationship has slowed dramatically and I can only blame myself.  I have legitimized my actions, but at the end of the day, there is no good reason for them.  While I believe that my partner is moving past the pain, I can not.  Whenever we have a fight, I feel like it is always going to go back to my irresponsibility, although it doesn't.  When we are on top of the world, my joy is always cut short because I hurt him and I wonder why he has decided to forgive me and if I would do that same if the tables were turned. 

I have no intention of claiming perfection, but I have made strides to not screw anything up in a long time.  I have my up and downs, but when it comes to big things, like working hard at a job, at mothering, and in my relationship, I put forth my all and do what I can to not make a mistake.  And I did.  I can't stand that I did. 

I wonder if I will ever get the hang of being in a relationship.  I don't think I am very good at it although I want to be and I try to be.  I know that it is him that makes me want this.  I haven't met anyone who has made me want to work so hard for a future together.  I have never had anyone who wants to work so hard with me to make a future together.  While it's unrealistic to state that there are no bad things, the good so grossly out weigh them, they seem insignificant.

Now all I want is to move forward at a sprinter's pace.  I want to move to the next step.  But I have halted the speed.  If we never get to the next step, will it be because he can't get past this?  He believes he can right now, but that can change.  The idea of not having him tears my heart out of my chest.  Regardless of knowing I can support myself and RP, knowing that I can take care of myself, now that I know this love, I don't want to be without a partner. 

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

"28 Rule for Fathers"

No I did not write this list.  No I am not trying to take credit for it either.  I follow a blog, Single Dan Laughing, which where I stumbled upon the "rules."  It is always interesting to me when I find a list like this for fathers to follow.  Automatically I wonder why men have to have a parenting "reminder" list of the things to do and not to do.  I know that historically and traditionally, mens roles as father meant provisions and discipline, not hugs and conversations.  So I get the list, I understand it's purpose to move men away from thinking their only role in parenting is to pay for shit and yell about other shit.  So I get it, but my feminist side kicks in and knows that if there was a "reminder" list for women as to how to mother, the author of that list would be crucified.

College taught me well, I read everything from a feminist stance first.  So now that I have gotten is snip-it of those feelings out of the way, I must say that these kinds of lists pull and me heart strings in a hardcore way.  I can't help but fit RP and I into that kind of equation.  These lists are a reminder of the things I can not do for him no matter how hard I try to be his mother and his father.  Reading this made me wonder if he will every feel that security of holding a father's hand, or having the bear hug, or seeing a "Dad Superhero" everyday.  We are so removed from his father that, if there is ever a relationship between the two of them again, it will not be for a long time.  By that time, RP's childhood will be a memory.  I know that RP has very strong, positive and important male role models in his life, but it would be a dream for him to read this list as an adult and have one man, a father, who he thanks for following "The Rules."


28 Rules for Fathers of Sons
1. Love his Mother. He will learn to love like you love, and hate like you hate. So choose love for both of you. Devote yourself to it. Love with your whole heart and express that love each and every day. Then, someday down the road, you will see the way he loves his own wife, and know that you played a part in that.
2. Let him drive. Every child remembers the first time they drove on daddy’s lap. For that one moment, he will believe that he is just. like. you
3. Teach him to be picky. Especially when it comes to women and burgers. Teach him to never settle.
4. Take him to a ball game. There is something about sharing a day of hot dogs, sunshine and baseball with your father.
5. Love with Bravery. Boys have this preconceived notion that they have to be tough. When he is young, he will express his love fully and innocently. As he grows, he will hide his feelings and wipe off kisses. Teach him to be a man who rubs them in instead. It takes courage for a man to show love: teach him to be courageous.
6. Talk about sex. Sometimes, boys need to know that all men are created equal.
7. Teach him to be a man’s man. Show him how to be brave and tough around the guys. Then, remind him on the ride home that it is okay to cry.
8. Share secrets together. Communicate. Talk. Talk about anything. Let him tell you about girls, friends, school. Listen. Ask questions. Share dreams, hopes, concerns. He is not only your son, you are not only his father. Be his friend too.
9. Teach him manners. Because sometimes you have to be his father, not just his friend. The world is a happier place when made up of polite words and smiles.
10. Teach him when to stand-up and when to walk away. He should know that he doesn’t have to throw punches to prove he is right. He may not always be right. Make sure he knows how to demand respect- he is worthy of it. It does not mean he has to fight back with fists or words, because sometimes you say more with silence.
11. Teach him to choose his battles. Make sure he knows which battles are worth fighting- like for family or his favorite baseball team. Remind him that people can be mean and nasty because of jealousy, or other personal reasons. Help him to understand when to shut his mouth and walk-away. Teach him to be the bigger better person.
12. Let him dance in tighty whiteys. Dance alongside him in yours. Teach him that there are moments when it is okay to be absolutely ridiculous.

13. Share music. Introduce him to the classics and learn the words to the not-so-classics. Create a rock band with wooden instruments, share your earphones, and blast Pink Floyd in the car. Create a soundtrack to your lives together.
14. Let him win. Sometimes he needs to know that big things are possible.
15. Teach him about family. Let him know family is always worth fighting for. Family is always worth standing up for. At the end of the day, he has you to fall back on, and pray to God that you will have him.
16. Father him. Being a father—to him—is undoubtedly one of your greatest accomplishments. Share with him the joys of fatherhood, so one day he will want to be a father too. Remind him over and over again with words and kisses that no one will ever love him like you love him.
17. Listen to him now. If you don’t listen to the little things now, he won’t share the big things later.
18. Let him try on your shoes. Even if they are old and smelly. Let him slip his little feet in and watch him as he hopes like hell that someday he can fill them. He will fill them.

19. Give him bear hugs. The kind that squeezes his insides and make him giggle. The kind of hug only a daddy can give.
20. Give him baths. Because Mom can’t do everything damnit.
21. Teach him how to pee standing up. Let him pee outside- such is the joy of being a man. Mom cannot teach this talent, so someone has to.
22. Know the answers. He will assume you do. If you don’t know them, pretend you do and look them up later.
23. Toss him around. Because little boys love seeing the strength of their father. Throw him up in the air, so that he knows you will always be there to catch him on his way down.
24. Ask his mother. He will come to you with questions that he won’t always want to ask his mother, about girls and about love. Ask her anyway, she will know the answers.
25. Love him like you would love a daughter. Little girls are not the only ones who need hugs and kisses. Love is the color yellow of emotions. It is both happy and gender neutral.
26. Grow a big belly. Because every child should get the chance to rest their head on the absolute softest pillow ever. Daddy’s belly is the best place to land.
27. Don’t say, do. American inventor Charles F. Kettering once said, “every father should remember that one day his son will follow his example instead of his advice.” Be a good one.
28. Be his hero. You are anyway. To him, you have the strength of Batman, the speed of Spiderman and the brain of Ironman. Don’t disappointment. Prove to him that Daddy’s are the biggest heroes of all. Only Daddy’s can save the day. 
After all, good fathers make good sons.
Sarah D. ~Diapers & Daisies

Copied here from Single Dan Laughing

***Side note, I truly to not agree with #28.  I think that "Rule" diminishes how important mothering is and excludes single moms from being able to step up to the Superhero plate.  I know I am my son's hero.***

Sunday, July 29, 2012

Haunting Thoughts

Once in a while I will wake up with one of a few haunting thoughts.  They are not necessarily because of any dream that I may have the night before but just an intuitive thought that I may have to prepare myself for something big that day.  The most prominant one is that it will be the day that RP gets hurt.  Not a scary life threatening hurt, but the random broken bone or wiping out and having to get stitches.  He has only had stitches one time when he flipped his tricycle at the age of three.  He split his chin on a Sunday evening so we had to go to Urgent Care.  The thought it just one that makes me think of what action I would take in the event that my intuition played out.  It hasn't, which is great, but that thoughts creeps into my brain every now and then. 

The second most prominent is that RP's dad will contact me or we will see him out in the world.  Again, it hasn't happened in three years, but it feels like that time could be due.   I think of what I would say to him on the phone.  How I would react, if I would yell at him immediately letting out nearly 7 years of aggression towards him or if I listen to what he had to say.  The thought of seeing him in public is one that i can not fathom.  I have no idea what I would do.  I think that I would stand stunned and frozen which is not a great tactic of protecting my son from any more pain.

Recently, though, my haunting thoughts will become reality soon.  mr's grandfather is walking the path towards death soon.  He has been moved from a hospital to hospice, and now, to a nursing home.  There is no more will to live and he wants to let go of this life.  I know that it will happen but I don't know how to help mr.  This will be the first close family member that mr will lose.  He is 30 and has all four of his grandparents.  I never believed that people could live that long with out losing one!  I lost my paternal great grandmother when I was around 5 or 6.  I don't remember her very well, but I remember the fear of seeing a dead body in a casket.  I lost my maternal grandfather when I was turning 10.  His death was profound for me.  He has been sick for sometime but I never truly knew that meant that he was close to death.  My great grandmother passed when I was 12.  She was very old and was living at a nursing home.  I remember that my parents had already seperated before her death, but they never told her because they knew she would worry.  The most recent was my maternal grandmother.  I was 22 when she passed.  It was the most difficult loss to bear.  I was not ready for her to go.

So here I am on the other side of death.  I am not a family member but his death will affect me because I am mr's support......and that is the haunting thought.  I don't know how to support him.  I don't know what to say to him.  I have spewed off my knowledge of funerals and my own coping mechanism and what we did as a family during our times of loss.  But his family and mine are so very different that my words have been of no comfort and they have even come out in a more cold way than I had ever intended.  My family talks and talks and talks and talks.  His family does not.  I was upset when he wouldn't talk to me about what he was feeling about his grandfather one day.  I was mad and cold towards him.  I should have been just standing with open arms.  I know that when people are upset that letting them open up is  important in their healing process and their own coping.  But I pushed because he was not acting the only way that people have acted in my experience with death.  I don't know that I will be a good support for him.  I am worried that I will push him to grieve the way that I grieved.  I should be better at this.  I have never been on this side, and it is very difficult because I do not want to fail him.  I do not want him to be in pain without support from me and I know he won't but I don't know that I will be what he needs.  I can't imagine how he is feeling right now but at the exact same time, I know exactly how he is feeling right now.  I don't want him to have this experience.  I don't want him to know what it is like to bury someone you love.  I want to protect him from this just as I want to protect RP from the pain of family death.

Sunday, July 1, 2012

Fun with Son

Friday was RP turned 7.  I know, where has the time gone?  I know I say this every year, but no lie, seven sound WAY older than six.  Like almost to puberty old......ok, maybe that is a slight exaggeration-but it feels that way sometimes.  So yea, seven.  Geez!  Every year of his life I have had a big birthday for him.  I made a big deal cake that goes along with which ever theme he chooses.  I love doing it too.  Last year was the cake that really took the cake(....wink wink...nudge nudge....I'm hysterical right?), it was a self made R2D2 made from 3 cakes and for some reason I star tipped the entire cake.  It was a 7 hour process from start to finish, but completely worth it.  This year, suddenly it was May and I had not thought of his birthday.  Then it was time to sign up for Cub Scout camp.  Last week he went to resident camp and yesterday/today, he and I were at Fun with Son camp.  So basically, no birthday party.....weeeeeellll, nothing like what he is used to.  We had a nice dinner with my mom on Wednesday and Dave and Buster's Friday night with mr.

RP did great at Resident Camp last week.  He didn't know anyone there but it did not stop him from completing one whole achievement towards rank, parts of another one, plus 21 electives!  He also earned 3 belt loops and 1 pin.  He certainly was working hard in classic summer 95 degree weather.  I couldn't be more proud.  So this was the weekend to show me the ropes of the Cub World Camp.  Little did I know that the store that rolled through Cincinnati on Friday night would still affect us the rest of the weekend.  And of course when I planned this weekend, I was not expecting the temperature to be 100 degrees the entire weekend.  But that it all part of the experience, right?  Of course it is!
Getting there was a breeze.  Packing for two people for one night, also a breeze.  One bag, two sleeping bags,  two pillows and one box fan.  Light and easy.  We load up and head from the parking lot to the registration.....sweat already.  The line was forever long but finally we got to the front.  And of course, we aren't on the paperwork.  Thank goodness for iPhone!  I pulled up my emailed receipt of confirmation and they added us to a room with another mom and cub in the Fort.  Which happened to be the exact same room RP stayed in last week!  Pretty cool!  So there we are standing in the doorway of our Fort room.  While setting up the room, I plug in my fan.  Nothing happens.  RP had dropped it in the parking lot, so I automatically thought, Dammit my fan!!!!!!!  Then I realized that one of the staff members had just told us how all the ice cream had melted at the Trading Post because there was no power......duh!  Sometimes I surprise myself with the stupid shit I do!  So yea, no power.  Still didn't click that it would be a challenge that I haven't faced in a while until we had to go to the bathroom......no natural light gets in their bathrooms!  And guess what I didn't bring?  Can you?  Oh, that's right.  I did even THINK of a flashlight!!!!!!  What kind of Cub Scout Mom am I?!?!?!  That is camping 101!  Mommy Fail big time....right here.  But then, I had a stoke of genius!  I realized I had gotten a Mag light for Christmas at least two years ago that had never left my trunk!  Finally a "HA!" moment to everyone that gives me crap about not cleaning out my car!!!!!!  HA!

We had a great time.  In just the three days that RP was at Resident Camp last week, he has improved on things such as archery, accuracy and loading a BB gun and recognition of trees on the nature hike.  I am super impressed with him.  Here are a few pictures of the games they played and RP showing off his archery/bb skills.


 Knock Knock.  (You say who's there).  Boo.  (You say boo who?) Why are you crying when you should be nocking an arrow?  His new favorite joke since last week.

It was a hot, lightless night and day.  My phone dying this morning was a punch to the gut because of how much I use it for pictures.  But I got a few good ones.  Anyone that has a Scout, I highly recommend Cub World.  The staff are all teens learning great leadership and are in their element.  They pull you into the fun.  Sing alongs and skits....good stuff.
    
Here we are happy to arrive and then in the car leaving.....glad to be home though.  It is amazing how much longer 24 hours seems when it is hot and busy!



Tuesday, June 26, 2012

My favorite outfits and favorite hair

 Love love love this outfit.  Besides the shoes, it is all from Target.  My mom got me the cardigan with the flowers....yes more flowers.  The  beautiful background is my desk.
 I forget where I was looking at a People magazine but Charlize Theron had her hair like this for some red carpet event.  I loved it and tried it.  This is the first attempt, the second time I did it, it looked a lot better but I didn't get a good picture.
This is my new favorite dress and super red shoes.  I've gone this long without a pair of true red heels....it is almost shameful ;)  But the most important part of these heels....they are not peep toe.  I have a new common peep toe habit going on that was broken with these!

Saturday, June 16, 2012

What's in a Name

Before Parker was born I had 90% settled on his name.  I knew I liked Parker and I knew I liked Raymond (after my maternal grandpa).  There was back and forth as to which would be first, if I did want to be one of those parents that screws their child for life because they decided to have their first name be one thing and their middle name be what they go by.  Obviously though, I don't have that big of a problem with it.  Ha.  But the last name was tricky.  I carried him.  I birthed him.  I knew I wanted my last name to be a part of his name.  His father had the same opinions as well.  His father was the last boy of that family name, so you know how that goes.  And I knew I wanted to respect that and I was all in a new Mommy haze where the reality of my failing relationship was beyond my vision, but there was a pulling, a tugging, a longing coming from deep with in (not Parker), telling me to have my name included.  I am a part of this and my father is the last male Moyer, he is the end of his name because he had only daughters.  So there was a compromise.  I would completely screw my child over in two ways.  First, his first name is truly his second name.  And second, his second middle name was after my last name.  Confused yet?  Yes, he has four names.  And not a hyphenated last name, but two middle names.  The first middle name is Parker and the second middle name is Moyer.  I loved it.  I absolutely fell in love with this name I had chosen for this child that I had just met.  I still love his name.  I think it is sophisticated and completely fits his personality.  I love calling him Raymond every once in a while to keep him on his toes.  Mostly I love the pride he has always had in his name.  For a while he thought that since his last name is also his favorite color, that I should change my last name to blue.

So now, there has been the thought of dropping his last name and making his second middle name (Moyer) his new last name.  It is something that I have asked if he would like to do for the past three years.  But last month it is a conversation that he started on his own.  The amount of pride that he had in his last name has diminished.  He told me he doesn't think that it matters anymore if he has his dad's last name since his dad never calls or tries to see him.  Parker's thoughts and feelings have changed towards his dad.  I knew that it would happen one day, but I thought I could smooth it over with "just remember that he loves you," for a few more years.  But he is getting it.  He has named jealousy in seeing other kids with their dads.  He has finally said that it's not fair that he doesn't have his dad.  He is name deep emotion about how it affects him.  I wish so badly that when he is sharing these emotions that I had some clue as to what he is feeling.  I don't.  I have a wonderful dad who has been a wonderful grandpa.  I will never relate to the pain that Parker feels.  That kinda thing crushes a mother's soul.  If I can't relate, how can I make it better?

Beyond naming these emotions towards his father, he has started to realize (without guidance) that he has amazing men in his life that do things with him that other boys do with their fathers.  He has pointed out how lucky he is to have the grandpas and the mr in his life.  Yesterday he just looked at me and said, "you know I am one lucky boy."  I am tearing up thinking about the insight and perception he has....he sees some sort of silver lining in his own almost 7 year old life.  How does he do it? 

To go back to the name.  I have collected the paperwork to change his name.  It will be completely up to him if he wants to or not.  I hope that I do not have to make contact with his father for approval, but I think that my case is strong enough that the court would award the name change.  Thinking about him being just Raymond Parker Moyer is bittersweet, but I think it will feel like a deep sigh of relief when he and I can have the same name.  Like something will be lifted from his mind.  I know it will not erase any pain that he feels, but could it be too much of a reminder now?  And I thinking too big for my 7 year old's mind?  The other question I have (and have with almost every decision that I make as a parent) would I be doing the right thing?  Or serving my own wants and needs over his.

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

180

For as long as I have been single, I wonder what it is like on the other side of the fence.  I see family pictures of the smiling dad and mom with the adorable toddler and infant; there is such joy in their faces.  I read blogs of happily married couples that have it all with their wonderful little newborn or toddler or sometimes more than one child.  All of these people are my cohort.  Between facebook and blogs that I follow, I am surrounded by more happily smiling intact families than I am never married single moms.  The jealously that  stirs inside of me has surfaced every once in a while....sometimes I bitch about it to real people, other times I bitch about through this blog.  It is hard to be surrounded by intact families and not wonder what that feels like.  The idea of becoming pregnant is terrifying whether you are planning or not, but it seems like it would be less catastrophic if the family was intact.  (No I am not pregnant, just a comparison).  There is are many blogs that I read written from mothers that are so in love with their husbands and love being mothers so much that I sometimes feel inadequate in my mothering.  And it also seems so foreign to me to love a man that much, to be in awe of him.  I don't know that feeling.  I love mr, very much.  I very much like the idea that we will spend our lives together.  I want that, but I don't feel like I am in awe of him.  Is there a link to that man being the father of your children too?  Eh, I don't know....but seeing women that have that much love for there partner amazes me.  This is how I have felt for so long that I am surprised at how much I have changed in the past 6 weeks. 

Since leaving JJ, I feel like I have been able to see my life for the first time in years.  There has been so much going on for two years that I have just walked through, not looking around and paying attention to the detail around me.  I feel like I have moved out of a haze.  I hate that I have neglected my dearest friends for the past two years, it seems like Nikki should have just had Sadie, not that Sadie will be two in August.  I feel like I haven't seen my family in two years because I haven't made the time.  Seeing all of them at my house this past Sunday and at Parker's events filled me with so much love and joy.  I see Parker everyday, but I am now seeing how short I have been towards him because of exhaustion or focusing on my job.  I see how wonderful of a man mr is better now.  I see how much he loves Parker and I.  I see how much he tries to be with us and how much he sacrifices to make us happy.  I felt that he did not contribute as much time as I did before but I see that he does.  Everyday I am excited to come home because I know that I will have time to myself after Parker goes to bed.  That time is what I lacked before.  I have time to think, to read, to exercise, to sleep more if I want, to blog (even though it is still sparatic), time to clean and catch up on the house so that my weekends can be better spent on the other people in my life.  I have had time to reflect on the things in my life that make me happy instead of stressing about the one thing that made my life more complicated than easier.

I was talking to Lauren the other day and almost at the same time we both said, "Yeah, my life is pretty great right now."  And almost at the same time with both said, "Wow, I don't think I have ever said that before."  Six weeks ago if you asked me if my life was great I wouldn't have been able to answer with too much fear of knowing I was walking away from my comfort zone and entering something new.  Six months ago if you would have asked me how I liked my life, if it was good or not, I would have shrugged and said, "Yeah, it's fine."  But unknowingly I was lying.  I did not know how unhappy I was with one part of my life and how it trickled to everything else until I have been away from it and I see what it is like on the other side of the fence.  Granted I do not have the intact family with my son's father, but I have my family of two.  I have a man in my life who respects me and my child and who would do anything for me if I asked.  I know what those wives and mothers are talking about in their blogs and smiling about in their pictures.  I do not have it in the same regard, but I have it all.

Thursday, May 10, 2012

What a Wonderful Morning

Tuesday nights was one of those nights were you feel like you have 5 hours worth of stuff to do in about an hour and a half.  Changing the oil in my 2/5 dead car was a top priority as well as making the dinner I had planned out and getting Parker to bed at his normal time.  Oh yea, I had to buy the oil too after getting Parker after getting home from work.  I had asked mr if we could come over and use his tools and flat surface for the oil changing process and of course he said yes.  I had also hoped that he would pick up my oil and oil filter during the day so I could skip that step in the evening.  The thing about planning that in your head is that it never happens in reality.  Of course it was one of those days from him so I was rushing around after work getting Parker, the food together (just wait until you see pictures of the food! Beautiful!), purchasing the oil and getting it changed before making dinner.  Getting stressed out about time tables is something that I am really REALLY good at doing.  I don't like it when things don't fall into place time wise at all, so I was stressing out and getting in a bad mood about the timing of Tuesday night for no reason at all because it all ended up falling together so well.

mr helped with my oil because I couldn't get the plug to unscrew or the oil filter.  And before anyone passes any judgement on why mr didn't just change it for me.....it is one of those things that I know how to do, so I don't really like it if other people (who I am not paying like Valvoline) to do for me.  My brother in law taught me years ago how to do it on my own, and if I had the tools and surface area, I would always do it on my own.  mr had offered to change it and in my stressed moment, I snapped at him.  But with his help, when I was ready to ask for it, we got it done.  Then we made dinner, and omg.....it was amazing!  Parker went to bed, mr and I had some hang out time and it was great!  I slept better than I have in a couple weeks.  And then there was this morning.  This is the first week night that Parker and I have stayed an mr's house for close to a month if not a little more.  It was too hard staying there while working at JJ.  It always involved waking up earlier than I already did and it was less enjoyable because I would be so worried about not going to bed on time and over sleeping.  Not relaxing at all.  But this morning we all woke up at the same time.  When I was going to get Parker out of bed, he was coming out of his room too.  It was so funny, he looked at me like "Mom, we got to get going!"  He got ready on his own, brushed his teeth on his own, made his bed on his own and because of all that, I was able to get ready and make him scrambled eggs for breakfast!  Eggs totally trump cereal for a weekday breakfast!  Then he and mr starting taking care of the cats while I finished getting my things together to leave.  mr took Parker to school shortly after I left for work.  But seriously, it was one of the best mornings I have ever had.  Wednesday was wonderful because my day started so well.  I can't do anything but smile about it.

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

It's All About the Shoes

I do have some pictures of a few outfits but I thought I would pay tribute to a few of my favorite shoes.  The green ones are my first real heels I ever bought, they are Guess and they are fabulous.  I have had them for years and they are ridiculously comfortable.  The cork wedge sandles are a new purchase.  They also are comfortable and will make a good summer shoe.  I wore them out on our date night on Saturday, and if I had like the picture of what I wore that night, I would share it, but I don't like it at all.  The white ones are another new purchase.  I bought them on Saturday along with the sandles, and the best part....they were $15!!!!!!  Again, they are super comfortable!  I wore them all day on Monday without a problem.  Next are my favorites....my blue heels from mr.  Long ago, before these blue ones, I had another pair that I lent out and never laid eyes on again.  It was sad because they were so great, but then I saw these one day when mr and I were shopping.  A couple months later, they were a random weekend gift from him.  :) While I have only gotten through most of a day with them, their beauty and height out weigh the comfort level for now....plus it isn't anything a pair of inserts can't fix! 

                                              So you saw the shoes, now a few outfits too. 
The striped shirt at the shirt with the flowers are both new.  The middle pictures really shows my angelic halo doesn't it?  I told you all I'm an angel, I don't think you believed me did you!?

Thursday, May 3, 2012

3 Weeks In

So this is my power outfit.  I should have linked this to the What I Wore Wednesdays hosted by Melaina, but I wore it today, Thursday....so obviously I missed the very open ended dead line.  I love this outfit.  Gray pencil skirt, blue blouse that ties at the waist (make me look very thin) and of course by blue satin peep toe 4 inch heels.  Yea, I pretty much own it when I wear that outfit.  It makes me feel good.  Confident, sexy, professional and the fact that I can walk successfully in those heels all day, bad ass.  I needed that feeling today, well this week really.  I am completing my third week at my new job.  Honestly, this week has been the best week in terms of learning.  I have been training with a different person each week, learning their position in the department although I will not be performing what I am learning right now.  So basically I learn how to do everything over about 8 weeks and then I will know how to do what I need to do from that.....it sounds backwards, but this week it has felt like it was working.  I have teased that either the woman I am training with has the easiest part or its starting to come together.

The group has been very confident in my progress and ability this early in.  I was allowed to do a claim alone last week and although they were not major errors, I did have three minor errors.  It was a big blow to my confidence level.  I felt bad that I didn't remember the parts and it was embarrassing because their confidence in me boosted me higher than I think I should have been.  If someone has high expectation of me, then I tend to have higher ones of myself.  And I really hate failing.  But that was last week.  This week I decided to go get JJ for lunch and it (naturally) made me terribly sad and nostalgic for my old line of work.  I loved that job but as you all know....it didn't work for me any longer.  On top of those two things, I have realized that I hate not having a buddy at work!  I eat lunch alone each day.  I hate that!  I miss my crew at JJ.  I miss laughing with them about all the dumb shit that customers would do (and by the way, when you order an unwich online it automatically says no lettuce on the ticket bc I did not specify that).  I miss being sarcastic and just having bull shit conversations about everything all day.  I miss their personalities.  Basically most of last week and the beginning of this week have been hard emotionally.  So being bummed out last week and all sad about missing my old job and crew this week made me wear my favorite outfit.  Give me a boost that I needed.  

Today was great.  I adore the woman that is training me this week.  She is sarcastic, witty, slightly inappropriate and we work well together.  I am happy that I have her this week.  It was perfect timing.

Sunday, April 29, 2012

The Legacy of Divorce

Last night we watched Mrs. Doubtfire.  It is a movie I have seen time and time again.  It is often one of the Saturday afternoon movies playing on some random cable channel.  While we were flipping through the Netflix selection, we had it narrowed down to Mrs. Doubtfire and Ghostbusters.  Parker picked that "not a ghost movie," so Robin Williams dressing as an old lady it was!  I love this movie, I always have so I wasn't worried about sitting with Parker and mr watching it after a busy afternoon.  Towards the end of the movie Parker fell asleep so mr and I were chatting more than watching.  The ending monologue, spoken by Mrs. Doubtfire on her show came on.  I remembered then why I typical skip the end of this movie....that monologue makes me cry.
"Dear Mrs Doubtfiire - Two months ago my mom and dad decided to separate." "Now they live in different houses." "My brother Andrew says that we aren't a real family any more. Is this true?" "Did I lose my family?" "Is there anything I could do to get my parents back together?" "Sincerely, Katie McCormick."

Oh, my dear Katie. You know, some parents get along much better when they don't live together. They don't fight all the time and they can become better people. Much better mommies and daddies for you. And sometimes they get back together. And sometimes they don't, dear. And if they don't, don't blame yourself. Just because they don't love each other doesn't mean that they don't love you. There are all sorts of different families, Katie. Some families have one mommy, some families have one daddy, or two families. Some children live with their uncle or aunt. Some live with their grandparents, and some children live with foster parents. Some live in separate homes and neighborhoods in different areas of the country. They may not see each other for days, weeks, months or even years at a time. But if there's love, dear, those are the ties that bind. And you'll have a family in your heart for ever. All my love to you, poppet. You're going to be all right. Bye-bye. 

It is rare that I think about my parent's divorce. Obviously there are times that I talk about it with other people who have had similar situations or if I need to clarify who exactly Pat and Lilia are in my life. But actually thinking about my life before their divorce, during and after.....I don't think about it. There isn't really a reason to. That last part of the movie though, it hit a part of me that I have buried. It took me back to a time that I watched that at my mom's house shortly after they split up. I can't trust my memory 100% but I think she rented it without fully knowing what it was about, but needless to say, it was a cry-fest.

 Last night it was as though I was 13 again. It was painful. mr asked me something about my parent's spliting up, whether it was my mom or my dad. With the emotion that I was feeling from relating to that final quote and him asking my specifics about it, I transformed further into the memory of new pain. I know there are so many instances that went into the reason of my parent's divorce but I don't honestly know who finally said, this is it. I hope/feel/believe that they tried to reconcile. I don't really ever want to know a truth that is different from them trying their absolute hardest to stay married. There was counseling. For them. For us. For each of my sisters and I. Yes, I need to think/hope/believe that they did try their hardest. It is impossible to believe that it was an "easy" decision for either of them. It had been 23 years. While talking to mr about it, he mentioned that he could never see each of my parents being a couple. I get what he means. How could he picture it? When a relationship ends and each individual grows and moves on without the other person, no one can ever imagine those individuals made a couple-ever. When he said that, internally I was defensive. But then it was hard for me to remember too.

If squeeze my eyes tight, I can picture a kiss that I witnessed on New Year's Eve at my cousin's wedding. It was the first kiss that I witnessed and remember with passion behind it. I remember hearing the mailbox open and close on the front of the house right before my dad put his key in the door after a day of work.  They would go to their room for about a half hour and preferred to have their time together.  I remember being in the camper in Florida and my dad jumping in the door scaring the shit out of my mom, she smacked him hard in the arm for that. It is hard to think of the memories I have of them being a couple and not just my parents. I realize now, that is what makes me cry. I have done a very good job at burying my emotions that I still have from being a child who lives with divorced parents. I am good at burying emotions. I am good at looking beyond them. I probably developed this skill when I was a teenager and perfected in my mid-twenties. But right now, it is fresh again. I saw my sister today and when I told her about my tears last night, she didn't seem surprised that it made me sad or that I cried. I wanted to fall into her arms and bawl.  I also wonder how it affects her.  How it affects Lauren.  I know Lauren doesn't remember very much if anything before they separated.  She was turning 10, I wonder if she has any memories of them as a couple at all.  Jen was 16 when they separated.  I know she knew more about what was happening at the time than Lauren and I.  I have never asked either of them how it made them feel.  I guess that I have always assumed it felt the same for all of us but it couldn't have.  I wonder if they cry about it sometimes too.  It isn't a taboo conversation, but honestly, who would want to talk about it when we see each other a little as we do?

As much as I can act as though it no longer affects me, it obviously does. My life changed dramatically when I was almost 13 and no matter what, it will never be the way it was before. My few and distant memories will go even further away until I can no longer remember any example of my parents as a couple. As the five of us intact.
 

Thursday, April 26, 2012

What I Wore 2 weeks in a row!







 This week I am proud to say that I did not need my older sister to tell me what to wear each day!  Points for Allyson because I did a good job on my own.  Don't worry, the one with jeans is for casual Friday....I'm not a bum :)  And also, I wore my python heels for the second time today!  Woot! 

I know I am late on this post, maybe Melaina will be nice enough to let me post it anyway.

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

What I Wore

This is my first "What I Wore" post.  I am not very fashionable so this may very well be my last "What I Wore Post."

As you know from reading recently, there has been a huge life change over here.  I have walked into the darkness of another job and am trying to find the cord to the light bulb everyday.  I will find it eventually, it will all make sense eventually and their dreams of me becoming VP will happen.......eventually.  Three days in and I am confident that I am doing better than first hire expectations BUT that really doesn't mean much right now, it has only been 3 days, the very complicated and hard stuff is yet to come.  But any who, I don't really know what to write here.  I guess I could tell you about the picture above.  This is what I wore last week.  This was taken on my last day.  It is the JJ team looking "tough" (yes, that is my tough face.....it really scares off bad guys).  There is Derek, Pete, Quinn and Greg in there...they do a much better job than me.  So yes, that is what I wore last week as well and 90% of the past 9 years.  As you can guess, I dress a little bit differently now.  They were not fond of the idea of me still wearing a JJ uniform in an office.

So this is what I wore on my first day this past Monday (the picture is not that good at all, don't judge.  And yes, my hair is that big, and yes I did pull it back because i couldn't fit at my desk it was so huge).  A small difference in appearance right?  And it's completely shocking that I feel older in office clothes too right?  Ha!  When I was trying outfits on Sunday evening I looked in the mirror and was surprised at how old I look.  I said that out loud and Parker came up beside me, looked at me in the mirror, and said, "Well, that is what happens Mom, people just get older."  And then went back to his toys.  And people say that I am too truthful about the cruel world to him! 

I will share yet another bad picture of what I wore today.  Parker took this one so we can all blame him for me looking bad....right?!

Dammit, I just realize both pictures have the same jacket in them.  I didn't really wear the jacket at all today so just close your eyes and imagine this one jacketless.

So that is all I have to share.  Melaina made me do this.  She twisted my arm all the way from Scotland.....oh my, peer pressure at it's best ;)

Sunday, April 15, 2012

My Last Day part 2

It's over.  Completely done.  I didn't cry.  It was easier than I thought it would be.  We were busy, which definitely helped.  I thought that it would be like a final feeling, like a break up.  Like it will have never existed in my life.  Eventually it will be more like that, like how college memories are or how I look back at high school....sometimes the memories seem like they are just stories I was told.  Eventually this chapter of my life will be like that but right now it feels like the land of limbo.  I hated saying good bye to everyone.  Most of them, if not all, I will never talk to again, even the ones that I have known forever.  I got an email from one of the women in the office wishing me well and thanking me for making her job easier.  That was nice.  It was really nice and I know that it takes a lot to say that to a person leaving a company.  My superior, who I have known for 9 years, had a blunt farewell.  It was his everyday "see ya."  It was surprising yet expected at the same time.  The entire week I couldn't picture how saying good bye to him would be.  If I was going to cry saying bye to anyone, it would have been to him.  But keeping it in the realm of normalcy made it very unemotional, which I thank him for doing.

It was hard to not call the store when I first woke up Saturday and today.  I kept thinking about checking in Friday night and last night.  Wondering if a truck is needed for tomorrow, wondering if my produce order came at a decent time Saturday morning, wondering how the rain affected business yesterday and how the beautiful sun affected business today, wondering if everyone showed up on time and for the correct shift.....so on and so forth.  I think about that store way more than I knew I did.

So here it is, the night before my first day.  I have outfits picked out for the entire week.  Going over that with Jen was a really good idea but it also shows that all the new clothes I got yesterday will not go as far as I thought they would.  I am wearing these things every day now, not intermittently.  That is a big difference.  I feel like I have nothing still even though I have 100% more than I did the day before.  I even bought a new purse, bracelets, and a necklace.....I know, it's crazy.  Allyson is finally girlie.  No more t-shirts and jeans.  Speaking of which, I have a shit ton of JJ shirts now.  In fact, an entire drawer full, including a visor......what should I do with them?  You think anyone would buy them on Ebay?  I don't even know if St. Vincent De Paul would sell them.......