Sunday, September 30, 2012

Like my outfit?

Last year at this time, Parker had just joined Cub Scouts and I was debating about becoming the Den Leader.  It was a hard decision but I ended up be a pretty badass assistant.  It was fun and eventually through the year I was asked to become the Committee Chair for the entire Pack.  It wasn't until I started my new job that I said yes.  It was a hard decision.  I had just left a job that required 60 hour work weeks to go to a normal 40 hours and now I was facing volunteering a lot of my new found free/RP/mr time to running a Cub Scout Pack.  I am so happy that I said yes.

Sometimes I laugh at my self because of how into Cub Scout I have become.  There are so many things that have happened in Boy Scouts of American that I completely disagree with and completely do not support, like gay and lesbian parents getting pushed out of the organization because of who they are.  I hate that.  It is interesting to me that the Pack are all run out of churches here, and maybe it is a difference between the Girl Scouts that I grew up with compared to Cub Scouts, but ours were out of our school.  I had no idea that Girl Scouts and Cub Scouts was so Christian until I was older in my teens.  But, there are so many benefits for RP.  While RP is has a lot of athletic skill, he is not as aggressive as other kids his age at sports.  It is discouraging for him.  He excels at everything he has learned in Cub Scouts and finds such value in what he has learned.

I am such a nerd about this Pack we are apart of.  Over the summer, we had a meeting at the Winton Woods parcourse for the boys to achieve their Physical Fitness beltloop.  During the course, there was a very tall set of monkey bars.  Some of the boys could do it and others needed their parental help.  But there was this one boy there.  He parents had dropped him off so he did not have his dad or mom there like the other boys did.  He was determined to conquer these monkey bars because he had never gone all the way across.  Watching him achieve something that he had never done before and seeing the pride on his face was a moment that I will never forget.  He was shocked when he finished.  He stood there, looked at me and said, "I have never been able to go all the way across before and I just did it!"  His excitement was contagious and I couldn't help but jump up and down and cheer for him.  It was so profound to watch this boy take a step forward in his ability and confidence.  I asked if I could be there with him when he told his mom.  I couldn't help but want to share that experience as well.

Just seeing the skills and confidence that RP is gaining through the things he does in this organization is intense.  I know I wrote about it over the summer, but he did a resident camp at Cub World.  Three days and two nights away from home and without knowing a single person.  While he was there, he learned different skills, like shooting a BB gun, archery, fishing, swimming, and so on and so on....but he learned to be a little more self reliant.  He learned he can be away from home and from me with out worry.  I still smile with pride when I think of how he was so brave to do that camp before he turned 7.

It is hard for me to not be involved with the things that RP is involved in.  I don't want to miss a moment like the other little boys parents missed.  I want to be part of the development, especially because I can not be apart his everyday school life.  So this Pack has become my third job, it has my dedication and my passion.  I want it to become stronger.  I want it to thrive and be a group that the community looks at and knows that those boys are learning about how to treat their family, community and planet with respect.

I never really pictured myself as being a person who could give up my time to volunteer with any group.  I know that it is selfish to think that way, but I have never volunteered nor had that desire.  I can't think of not volunteering now.  Even when RP is beyond Cub Scouts and/or Boy Scouts, I think that I will always have to spend some time volunteering with a group or organization.  It is so beneficial and can make a difference.  I am sorry it took me so long to see that, but I am so happy that I have found it.

****if you want to buy popcorn and support RP.....just let me know in a comment or something ;)****

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

It's hard to admit, but I screwed up this summer.  I have tried to not screw anything up for so long, my lapse in responsibility is stilling making me kick my ass everyday.  I hurt someone that I love dearly.  The inertia of our relationship has slowed dramatically and I can only blame myself.  I have legitimized my actions, but at the end of the day, there is no good reason for them.  While I believe that my partner is moving past the pain, I can not.  Whenever we have a fight, I feel like it is always going to go back to my irresponsibility, although it doesn't.  When we are on top of the world, my joy is always cut short because I hurt him and I wonder why he has decided to forgive me and if I would do that same if the tables were turned. 

I have no intention of claiming perfection, but I have made strides to not screw anything up in a long time.  I have my up and downs, but when it comes to big things, like working hard at a job, at mothering, and in my relationship, I put forth my all and do what I can to not make a mistake.  And I did.  I can't stand that I did. 

I wonder if I will ever get the hang of being in a relationship.  I don't think I am very good at it although I want to be and I try to be.  I know that it is him that makes me want this.  I haven't met anyone who has made me want to work so hard for a future together.  I have never had anyone who wants to work so hard with me to make a future together.  While it's unrealistic to state that there are no bad things, the good so grossly out weigh them, they seem insignificant.

Now all I want is to move forward at a sprinter's pace.  I want to move to the next step.  But I have halted the speed.  If we never get to the next step, will it be because he can't get past this?  He believes he can right now, but that can change.  The idea of not having him tears my heart out of my chest.  Regardless of knowing I can support myself and RP, knowing that I can take care of myself, now that I know this love, I don't want to be without a partner.