Tuesday, May 12, 2015

It's been awhile........

I can't remember the last time I posted and I did not even bother going to reread it.  I'm sure life is the same but completely different all together.  So what brings me back to my blog?  Ten years.  

My son, my baby, my heart will be a decade old in a little over a month.  This is hard.  Him turning 10 is seriously messing with me and affecting a lot of other parts of my life.  

In November I cried when I realized it had been a decade since I told my family I was pregnant.  Ten years since my body has stretched and grew with him.  Ten years since I knew in my heart that I would never love anyone more than him. Ten years since I wondered what he would look like.  Ten years since I had no idea who he would be or what kind of kid he would be.  Ten years since I felt the magical movement from within.  Ten years since I would never think of only myself again.

I wish I could reflect with tears of only joy in my eyes, but let's be real here, kids are effing hard to raise.  The newest "phase" (and I used the word phase with hopes that it is very VERY short lived) has been the most difficult.  He gets angry.  Angry at me.  Angry at B.  Angry at himself.  I would like to blame it on ADHD, or his long days, or something.  I don't think it is a reflection of me.  Or B.  Or himself.  I guess it could be hormones, the beginning of puberty maybe? My baby starting puberty?!?!?!  The fuck.  

I know my boy is still in there, behind the attitude and the anger.  I don't know how to get him to open up to me.  Maybe I'm not the person he can open up to anymore.

Handling him turning ten may as well be a mid-life crisis for me.