Once in a while I will wake up with one of a few haunting thoughts. They are not necessarily because of any dream that I may have the night before but just an intuitive thought that I may have to prepare myself for something big that day. The most prominant one is that it will be the day that RP gets hurt. Not a scary life threatening hurt, but the random broken bone or wiping out and having to get stitches. He has only had stitches one time when he flipped his tricycle at the age of three. He split his chin on a Sunday evening so we had to go to Urgent Care. The thought it just one that makes me think of what action I would take in the event that my intuition played out. It hasn't, which is great, but that thoughts creeps into my brain every now and then.
The second most prominent is that RP's dad will contact me or we will see him out in the world. Again, it hasn't happened in three years, but it feels like that time could be due. I think of what I would say to him on the phone. How I would react, if I would yell at him immediately letting out nearly 7 years of aggression towards him or if I listen to what he had to say. The thought of seeing him in public is one that i can not fathom. I have no idea what I would do. I think that I would stand stunned and frozen which is not a great tactic of protecting my son from any more pain.
Recently, though, my haunting thoughts will become reality soon. mr's grandfather is walking the path towards death soon. He has been moved from a hospital to hospice, and now, to a nursing home. There is no more will to live and he wants to let go of this life. I know that it will happen but I don't know how to help mr. This will be the first close family member that mr will lose. He is 30 and has all four of his grandparents. I never believed that people could live that long with out losing one! I lost my paternal great grandmother when I was around 5 or 6. I don't remember her very well, but I remember the fear of seeing a dead body in a casket. I lost my maternal grandfather when I was turning 10. His death was profound for me. He has been sick for sometime but I never truly knew that meant that he was close to death. My great grandmother passed when I was 12. She was very old and was living at a nursing home. I remember that my parents had already seperated before her death, but they never told her because they knew she would worry. The most recent was my maternal grandmother. I was 22 when she passed. It was the most difficult loss to bear. I was not ready for her to go.
So here I am on the other side of death. I am not a family member but his death will affect me because I am mr's support......and that is the haunting thought. I don't know how to support him. I don't know what to say to him. I have spewed off my knowledge of funerals and my own coping mechanism and what we did as a family during our times of loss. But his family and mine are so very different that my words have been of no comfort and they have even come out in a more cold way than I had ever intended. My family talks and talks and talks and talks. His family does not. I was upset when he wouldn't talk to me about what he was feeling about his grandfather one day. I was mad and cold towards him. I should have been just standing with open arms. I know that when people are upset that letting them open up is important in their healing process and their own coping. But I pushed because he was not acting the only way that people have acted in my experience with death. I don't know that I will be a good support for him. I am worried that I will push him to grieve the way that I grieved. I should be better at this. I have never been on this side, and it is very difficult because I do not want to fail him. I do not want him to be in pain without support from me and I know he won't but I don't know that I will be what he needs. I can't imagine how he is feeling right now but at the exact same time, I know exactly how he is feeling right now. I don't want him to have this experience. I don't want him to know what it is like to bury someone you love. I want to protect him from this just as I want to protect RP from the pain of family death.
Sunday, July 1, 2012
Friday was RP turned 7. I know, where has the time gone? I know I say this every year, but no lie, seven sound WAY older than six. Like almost to puberty old......ok, maybe that is a slight exaggeration-but it feels that way sometimes. So yea, seven. Geez! Every year of his life I have had a big birthday for him. I made a big deal cake that goes along with which ever theme he chooses. I love doing it too. Last year was the cake that really took the cake(....wink wink...nudge nudge....I'm hysterical right?), it was a self made R2D2 made from 3 cakes and for some reason I star tipped the entire cake. It was a 7 hour process from start to finish, but completely worth it. This year, suddenly it was May and I had not thought of his birthday. Then it was time to sign up for Cub Scout camp. Last week he went to resident camp and yesterday/today, he and I were at Fun with Son camp. So basically, no birthday party.....weeeeeellll, nothing like what he is used to. We had a nice dinner with my mom on Wednesday and Dave and Buster's Friday night with mr.
RP did great at Resident Camp last week. He didn't know anyone there but it did not stop him from completing one whole achievement towards rank, parts of another one, plus 21 electives! He also earned 3 belt loops and 1 pin. He certainly was working hard in classic summer 95 degree weather. I couldn't be more proud. So this was the weekend to show me the ropes of the Cub World Camp. Little did I know that the store that rolled through Cincinnati on Friday night would still affect us the rest of the weekend. And of course when I planned this weekend, I was not expecting the temperature to be 100 degrees the entire weekend. But that it all part of the experience, right? Of course it is!
Getting there was a breeze. Packing for two people for one night, also a breeze. One bag, two sleeping bags, two pillows and one box fan. Light and easy. We load up and head from the parking lot to the registration.....sweat already. The line was forever long but finally we got to the front. And of course, we aren't on the paperwork. Thank goodness for iPhone! I pulled up my emailed receipt of confirmation and they added us to a room with another mom and cub in the Fort. Which happened to be the exact same room RP stayed in last week! Pretty cool! So there we are standing in the doorway of our Fort room. While setting up the room, I plug in my fan. Nothing happens. RP had dropped it in the parking lot, so I automatically thought, Dammit my fan!!!!!!! Then I realized that one of the staff members had just told us how all the ice cream had melted at the Trading Post because there was no power......duh! Sometimes I surprise myself with the stupid shit I do! So yea, no power. Still didn't click that it would be a challenge that I haven't faced in a while until we had to go to the bathroom......no natural light gets in their bathrooms! And guess what I didn't bring? Can you? Oh, that's right. I did even THINK of a flashlight!!!!!! What kind of Cub Scout Mom am I?!?!?! That is camping 101! Mommy Fail big time....right here. But then, I had a stoke of genius! I realized I had gotten a Mag light for Christmas at least two years ago that had never left my trunk! Finally a "HA!" moment to everyone that gives me crap about not cleaning out my car!!!!!! HA!
We had a great time. In just the three days that RP was at Resident Camp last week, he has improved on things such as archery, accuracy and loading a BB gun and recognition of trees on the nature hike. I am super impressed with him. Here are a few pictures of the games they played and RP showing off his archery/bb skills.
It was a hot, lightless night and day. My phone dying this morning was a punch to the gut because of how much I use it for pictures. But I got a few good ones. Anyone that has a Scout, I highly recommend Cub World. The staff are all teens learning great leadership and are in their element. They pull you into the fun. Sing alongs and skits....good stuff.
Here we are happy to arrive and then in the car leaving.....glad to be home though. It is amazing how much longer 24 hours seems when it is hot and busy!
at 5:13 PM