180

For as long as I have been single, I wonder what it is like on the other side of the fence.  I see family pictures of the smiling dad and mom with the adorable toddler and infant; there is such joy in their faces.  I read blogs of happily married couples that have it all with their wonderful little newborn or toddler or sometimes more than one child.  All of these people are my cohort.  Between facebook and blogs that I follow, I am surrounded by more happily smiling intact families than I am never married single moms.  The jealously that  stirs inside of me has surfaced every once in a while....sometimes I bitch about it to real people, other times I bitch about through this blog.  It is hard to be surrounded by intact families and not wonder what that feels like.  The idea of becoming pregnant is terrifying whether you are planning or not, but it seems like it would be less catastrophic if the family was intact.  (No I am not pregnant, just a comparison).  There is are many blogs that I read written from mothers that are so in love with their husbands and love being mothers so much that I sometimes feel inadequate in my mothering.  And it also seems so foreign to me to love a man that much, to be in awe of him.  I don't know that feeling.  I love mr, very much.  I very much like the idea that we will spend our lives together.  I want that, but I don't feel like I am in awe of him.  Is there a link to that man being the father of your children too?  Eh, I don't know....but seeing women that have that much love for there partner amazes me.  This is how I have felt for so long that I am surprised at how much I have changed in the past 6 weeks. 

Since leaving JJ, I feel like I have been able to see my life for the first time in years.  There has been so much going on for two years that I have just walked through, not looking around and paying attention to the detail around me.  I feel like I have moved out of a haze.  I hate that I have neglected my dearest friends for the past two years, it seems like Nikki should have just had Sadie, not that Sadie will be two in August.  I feel like I haven't seen my family in two years because I haven't made the time.  Seeing all of them at my house this past Sunday and at Parker's events filled me with so much love and joy.  I see Parker everyday, but I am now seeing how short I have been towards him because of exhaustion or focusing on my job.  I see how wonderful of a man mr is better now.  I see how much he loves Parker and I.  I see how much he tries to be with us and how much he sacrifices to make us happy.  I felt that he did not contribute as much time as I did before but I see that he does.  Everyday I am excited to come home because I know that I will have time to myself after Parker goes to bed.  That time is what I lacked before.  I have time to think, to read, to exercise, to sleep more if I want, to blog (even though it is still sparatic), time to clean and catch up on the house so that my weekends can be better spent on the other people in my life.  I have had time to reflect on the things in my life that make me happy instead of stressing about the one thing that made my life more complicated than easier.

I was talking to Lauren the other day and almost at the same time we both said, "Yeah, my life is pretty great right now."  And almost at the same time with both said, "Wow, I don't think I have ever said that before."  Six weeks ago if you asked me if my life was great I wouldn't have been able to answer with too much fear of knowing I was walking away from my comfort zone and entering something new.  Six months ago if you would have asked me how I liked my life, if it was good or not, I would have shrugged and said, "Yeah, it's fine."  But unknowingly I was lying.  I did not know how unhappy I was with one part of my life and how it trickled to everything else until I have been away from it and I see what it is like on the other side of the fence.  Granted I do not have the intact family with my son's father, but I have my family of two.  I have a man in my life who respects me and my child and who would do anything for me if I asked.  I know what those wives and mothers are talking about in their blogs and smiling about in their pictures.  I do not have it in the same regard, but I have it all.

What a Wonderful Morning

Tuesday nights was one of those nights were you feel like you have 5 hours worth of stuff to do in about an hour and a half.  Changing the oil in my 2/5 dead car was a top priority as well as making the dinner I had planned out and getting Parker to bed at his normal time.  Oh yea, I had to buy the oil too after getting Parker after getting home from work.  I had asked mr if we could come over and use his tools and flat surface for the oil changing process and of course he said yes.  I had also hoped that he would pick up my oil and oil filter during the day so I could skip that step in the evening.  The thing about planning that in your head is that it never happens in reality.  Of course it was one of those days from him so I was rushing around after work getting Parker, the food together (just wait until you see pictures of the food! Beautiful!), purchasing the oil and getting it changed before making dinner.  Getting stressed out about time tables is something that I am really REALLY good at doing.  I don't like it when things don't fall into place time wise at all, so I was stressing out and getting in a bad mood about the timing of Tuesday night for no reason at all because it all ended up falling together so well.

mr helped with my oil because I couldn't get the plug to unscrew or the oil filter.  And before anyone passes any judgement on why mr didn't just change it for me.....it is one of those things that I know how to do, so I don't really like it if other people (who I am not paying like Valvoline) to do for me.  My brother in law taught me years ago how to do it on my own, and if I had the tools and surface area, I would always do it on my own.  mr had offered to change it and in my stressed moment, I snapped at him.  But with his help, when I was ready to ask for it, we got it done.  Then we made dinner, and omg.....it was amazing!  Parker went to bed, mr and I had some hang out time and it was great!  I slept better than I have in a couple weeks.  And then there was this morning.  This is the first week night that Parker and I have stayed an mr's house for close to a month if not a little more.  It was too hard staying there while working at JJ.  It always involved waking up earlier than I already did and it was less enjoyable because I would be so worried about not going to bed on time and over sleeping.  Not relaxing at all.  But this morning we all woke up at the same time.  When I was going to get Parker out of bed, he was coming out of his room too.  It was so funny, he looked at me like "Mom, we got to get going!"  He got ready on his own, brushed his teeth on his own, made his bed on his own and because of all that, I was able to get ready and make him scrambled eggs for breakfast!  Eggs totally trump cereal for a weekday breakfast!  Then he and mr starting taking care of the cats while I finished getting my things together to leave.  mr took Parker to school shortly after I left for work.  But seriously, it was one of the best mornings I have ever had.  Wednesday was wonderful because my day started so well.  I can't do anything but smile about it.

It's All About the Shoes

I do have some pictures of a few outfits but I thought I would pay tribute to a few of my favorite shoes.  The green ones are my first real heels I ever bought, they are Guess and they are fabulous.  I have had them for years and they are ridiculously comfortable.  The cork wedge sandles are a new purchase.  They also are comfortable and will make a good summer shoe.  I wore them out on our date night on Saturday, and if I had like the picture of what I wore that night, I would share it, but I don't like it at all.  The white ones are another new purchase.  I bought them on Saturday along with the sandles, and the best part....they were $15!!!!!!  Again, they are super comfortable!  I wore them all day on Monday without a problem.  Next are my favorites....my blue heels from mr.  Long ago, before these blue ones, I had another pair that I lent out and never laid eyes on again.  It was sad because they were so great, but then I saw these one day when mr and I were shopping.  A couple months later, they were a random weekend gift from him.  :) While I have only gotten through most of a day with them, their beauty and height out weigh the comfort level for now....plus it isn't anything a pair of inserts can't fix! 

                                              So you saw the shoes, now a few outfits too. 

The striped shirt at the shirt with the flowers are both new.  The middle pictures really shows my angelic halo doesn't it?  I told you all I'm an angel, I don't think you believed me did you!?

3 Weeks In

So this is my power outfit.  I should have linked this to the What I Wore Wednesdays hosted by Melaina, but I wore it today, Thursday....so obviously I missed the very open ended dead line.  I love this outfit.  Gray pencil skirt, blue blouse that ties at the waist (make me look very thin) and of course by blue satin peep toe 4 inch heels.  Yea, I pretty much own it when I wear that outfit.  It makes me feel good.  Confident, sexy, professional and the fact that I can walk successfully in those heels all day, bad ass.  I needed that feeling today, well this week really.  I am completing my third week at my new job.  Honestly, this week has been the best week in terms of learning.  I have been training with a different person each week, learning their position in the department although I will not be performing what I am learning right now.  So basically I learn how to do everything over about 8 weeks and then I will know how to do what I need to do from that.....it sounds backwards, but this week it has felt like it was working.  I have teased that either the woman I am training with has the easiest part or its starting to come together.

The group has been very confident in my progress and ability this early in.  I was allowed to do a claim alone last week and although they were not major errors, I did have three minor errors.  It was a big blow to my confidence level.  I felt bad that I didn't remember the parts and it was embarrassing because their confidence in me boosted me higher than I think I should have been.  If someone has high expectation of me, then I tend to have higher ones of myself.  And I really hate failing.  But that was last week.  This week I decided to go get JJ for lunch and it (naturally) made me terribly sad and nostalgic for my old line of work.  I loved that job but as you all know....it didn't work for me any longer.  On top of those two things, I have realized that I hate not having a buddy at work!  I eat lunch alone each day.  I hate that!  I miss my crew at JJ.  I miss laughing with them about all the dumb shit that customers would do (and by the way, when you order an unwich online it automatically says no lettuce on the ticket bc I did not specify that).  I miss being sarcastic and just having bull shit conversations about everything all day.  I miss their personalities.  Basically most of last week and the beginning of this week have been hard emotionally.  So being bummed out last week and all sad about missing my old job and crew this week made me wear my favorite outfit.  Give me a boost that I needed.  

Today was great.  I adore the woman that is training me this week.  She is sarcastic, witty, slightly inappropriate and we work well together.  I am happy that I have her this week.  It was perfect timing.

The Legacy of Divorce

Last night we watched Mrs. Doubtfire.  It is a movie I have seen time and time again.  It is often one of the Saturday afternoon movies playing on some random cable channel.  While we were flipping through the Netflix selection, we had it narrowed down to Mrs. Doubtfire and Ghostbusters.  Parker picked that "not a ghost movie," so Robin Williams dressing as an old lady it was!  I love this movie, I always have so I wasn't worried about sitting with Parker and mr watching it after a busy afternoon.  Towards the end of the movie Parker fell asleep so mr and I were chatting more than watching.  The ending monologue, spoken by Mrs. Doubtfire on her show came on.  I remembered then why I typical skip the end of this movie....that monologue makes me cry.

"Dear Mrs Doubtfiire - Two months ago my mom and dad decided to separate." "Now they live in different houses." "My brother Andrew says that we aren't a real family any more. Is this true?" "Did I lose my family?" "Is there anything I could do to get my parents back together?" "Sincerely, Katie McCormick."

Oh, my dear Katie. You know, some parents get along much better when they don't live together. They don't fight all the time and they can become better people. Much better mommies and daddies for you. And sometimes they get back together. And sometimes they don't, dear. And if they don't, don't blame yourself. Just because they don't love each other doesn't mean that they don't love you. There are all sorts of different families, Katie. Some families have one mommy, some families have one daddy, or two families. Some children live with their uncle or aunt. Some live with their grandparents, and some children live with foster parents. Some live in separate homes and neighborhoods in different areas of the country. They may not see each other for days, weeks, months or even years at a time. But if there's love, dear, those are the ties that bind. And you'll have a family in your heart for ever. All my love to you, poppet. You're going to be all right. Bye-bye. 

It is rare that I think about my parent's divorce. Obviously there are times that I talk about it with other people who have had similar situations or if I need to clarify who exactly Pat and Lilia are in my life. But actually thinking about my life before their divorce, during and after.....I don't think about it. There isn't really a reason to. That last part of the movie though, it hit a part of me that I have buried. It took me back to a time that I watched that at my mom's house shortly after they split up. I can't trust my memory 100% but I think she rented it without fully knowing what it was about, but needless to say, it was a cry-fest.

 Last night it was as though I was 13 again. It was painful. mr asked me something about my parent's spliting up, whether it was my mom or my dad. With the emotion that I was feeling from relating to that final quote and him asking my specifics about it, I transformed further into the memory of new pain. I know there are so many instances that went into the reason of my parent's divorce but I don't honestly know who finally said, this is it. I hope/feel/believe that they tried to reconcile. I don't really ever want to know a truth that is different from them trying their absolute hardest to stay married. There was counseling. For them. For us. For each of my sisters and I. Yes, I need to think/hope/believe that they did try their hardest. It is impossible to believe that it was an "easy" decision for either of them. It had been 23 years. While talking to mr about it, he mentioned that he could never see each of my parents being a couple. I get what he means. How could he picture it? When a relationship ends and each individual grows and moves on without the other person, no one can ever imagine those individuals made a couple-ever. When he said that, internally I was defensive. But then it was hard for me to remember too.

If squeeze my eyes tight, I can picture a kiss that I witnessed on New Year's Eve at my cousin's wedding. It was the first kiss that I witnessed and remember with passion behind it. I remember hearing the mailbox open and close on the front of the house right before my dad put his key in the door after a day of work.  They would go to their room for about a half hour and preferred to have their time together.  I remember being in the camper in Florida and my dad jumping in the door scaring the shit out of my mom, she smacked him hard in the arm for that. It is hard to think of the memories I have of them being a couple and not just my parents. I realize now, that is what makes me cry. I have done a very good job at burying my emotions that I still have from being a child who lives with divorced parents. I am good at burying emotions. I am good at looking beyond them. I probably developed this skill when I was a teenager and perfected in my mid-twenties. But right now, it is fresh again. I saw my sister today and when I told her about my tears last night, she didn't seem surprised that it made me sad or that I cried. I wanted to fall into her arms and bawl.  I also wonder how it affects her.  How it affects Lauren.  I know Lauren doesn't remember very much if anything before they separated.  She was turning 10, I wonder if she has any memories of them as a couple at all.  Jen was 16 when they separated.  I know she knew more about what was happening at the time than Lauren and I.  I have never asked either of them how it made them feel.  I guess that I have always assumed it felt the same for all of us but it couldn't have.  I wonder if they cry about it sometimes too.  It isn't a taboo conversation, but honestly, who would want to talk about it when we see each other a little as we do?

As much as I can act as though it no longer affects me, it obviously does. My life changed dramatically when I was almost 13 and no matter what, it will never be the way it was before. My few and distant memories will go even further away until I can no longer remember any example of my parents as a couple. As the five of us intact.

What I Wore 2 weeks in a row!

 This week I am proud to say that I did not need my older sister to tell me what to wear each day!  Points for Allyson because I did a good job on my own.  Don't worry, the one with jeans is for casual Friday....I'm not a bum :)  And also, I wore my python heels for the second time today!  Woot! 

I know I am late on this post, maybe Melaina will be nice enough to let me post it anyway.

What I Wore

This is my first "What I Wore" post.  I am not very fashionable so this may very well be my last "What I Wore Post."

As you know from reading recently, there has been a huge life change over here.  I have walked into the darkness of another job and am trying to find the cord to the light bulb everyday.  I will find it eventually, it will all make sense eventually and their dreams of me becoming VP will happen.......eventually.  Three days in and I am confident that I am doing better than first hire expectations BUT that really doesn't mean much right now, it has only been 3 days, the very complicated and hard stuff is yet to come.  But any who, I don't really know what to write here.  I guess I could tell you about the picture above.  This is what I wore last week.  This was taken on my last day.  It is the JJ team looking "tough" (yes, that is my tough face.....it really scares off bad guys).  There is Derek, Pete, Quinn and Greg in there...they do a much better job than me.  So yes, that is what I wore last week as well and 90% of the past 9 years.  As you can guess, I dress a little bit differently now.  They were not fond of the idea of me still wearing a JJ uniform in an office.

So this is what I wore on my first day this past Monday (the picture is not that good at all, don't judge.  And yes, my hair is that big, and yes I did pull it back because i couldn't fit at my desk it was so huge).  A small difference in appearance right?  And it's completely shocking that I feel older in office clothes too right?  Ha!  When I was trying outfits on Sunday evening I looked in the mirror and was surprised at how old I look.  I said that out loud and Parker came up beside me, looked at me in the mirror, and said, "Well, that is what happens Mom, people just get older."  And then went back to his toys.  And people say that I am too truthful about the cruel world to him! 

I will share yet another bad picture of what I wore today.  Parker took this one so we can all blame him for me looking bad....right?!

Dammit, I just realize both pictures have the same jacket in them.  I didn't really wear the jacket at all today so just close your eyes and imagine this one jacketless.

So that is all I have to share.  Melaina made me do this.  She twisted my arm all the way from Scotland.....oh my, peer pressure at it's best ;)