I am a different person. I have a different job. A different love. A different perspective on life. And we, as a human species, have a very current and direct threat. COVID 19 is why I am back on here. Not because I have it or I have some deep medical or social understanding of it, but because of how it is impacting me.
Ohio has been under shelter in for just under one week. The week prior to that, the company I work for pushed their divisions to work from home. Except my team. Part of that new job is sustaining operations of a large part of the company. So I planned. And planned. Revisited the plan. Talked about the plan and then implemented. It was working just fine until we had to start taking our temperature before coming into the building. There are a lot of adults without young children at home that do not have a thermometer. This order from the State also chipped away at the feeling that was already there.....were we doing the right thing in asking these people to come in? Was I putting my self at risk because I don't who they interact without outside of the office? Revisions happened again. And a week later, a week after the people I work with on a regular basis, I was told to stay home (expect one to two days a week). I am a week behind in getting used to this feeling of isolation and loneliness. I am a week behind in trying to find my way through my work, which is based in so many meetings and collaboration, that it feels impossible at times. This role is still new to me. I will be celebrating my 5 month in it on April 4th. I have gone through this feeling of loneliness since the transition and was really truly, after A LOT of work on myself, starting to come through to the other side of it. Recognizing that yes, this is going to be a lonely position. Yes, I was hired to be the boss which means there are a lot of relationship dynamics that are just different with my team. And yes, my boyfriend, who I love in a way that I have not loved another person, works (pre COVID19) 4 feet away from me. I came into his territory, and really, there isn't one person who hasn't made that known. Which is another layer of loneliness. But I was starting to manage. I was working through it. I have been practicing meditation and yoga daily. I have started virtual therapy. I am doing the right things. And this hits.
I haven't scheduled a therapy session since the last one was accidentally cancelled by the system. Well, that isn't entirely true, I have scheduled two, but they haven't happened yet. The week and a half prior to this crippling last week were so busy. Planning. School being closed. Restaurants being closed. The last chance to see my mom and dad. Implementing social distancing. Trying to find toilet paper. While I have continued my yoga and mediation - neither have brought me peace - I have allowed the therapy to fall off my priority for myself. Which, in combination with the state of the world and feeling the physical match to my mental loneliness, caused me to have a horrible week which came to head yesterday. I spiraled like I haven't spiraled in a few months.
When I spiral, I have the tendency to lump into my emotional state, my relationship status. Our relationship is not perfect by any means and I do not know how to express what I need when I need it when I know or feel like it is in contradiction to his needs. Which a lot of mine are. I need people. I energize from people. He does not. He does not like to move around as much as he does. He is a homebody. While his is comfortable in my home, it is still not his own space. It does not have his things in it. I respect that and I respect how well he knows himself, especially when I feel like such a novice at knowing who I am. But it adds to my lonely feeling sometimes. It not malicious or intending to be hurtful, but it can feel like he could take me or not. Like I am inconsequential to his life. I know what you are thinking - either he is an asshole - which I promise you he is not - or you are thinking - Wow. Why do you think so little of yourself? This is the nail head. This is one of the big conversations as my last therapy. Where did my "not good enough" feeling start and how the fuck do I dig my way out of that feeling. I'll tell you right now, I have felt it deep down for a long time. I have convinced myself that I am pretty awesome and it usually works well at the beginning of my romantic relationships. Then, some where, I no longer believe it.
My fear is that people slowly like me less the longer they know me. I know this really has nothing to do with the beginning of my writing. But that is a prime example of how I go from the present issue to this place of self disappointment. I know better today of my self worth than I did in January of this year. I know that I am worth a lot of love and respect and being cared for. I know that I would do anything that I can for the people that I love and the people they love. I know these things about myself. Not being able to act them out is hard. Being a "caretaker" at work is hard. I reach out to everyone on my team and people who are not on my team to see how they are doing. Aside from my boyfriend, there is only one person who has reached out to me with regularity to ask me that same question. I saw something on Facebook about feeling like you aren't liked when people aren't reaching out to you during this time. I get that. When I have been waffling on that feeling of being part of this new team and whether the people that are on my boyfriend's team actually like me or if I am just invited (occasionally) to participate in social events with them because he and I are together. I get that feeling of intertwining not talking with someone and associating that with what value they have about you. I guess my only response to myself is to remember that they are all dealing with this too and maybe they don't know how or have someone they are caring for that is taking their focus from caring for others at work. You never know what someone else is dealing with outside of the bubble that you know them. And even if you are in one of their bubbles, you still don't know about all of their other ones.
Being in someone else's bubble is a bad metaphor to use during the time of social distancing.
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