I am completely in a funk. I know exactly why and it just plain pisses me off. I am a busy lady between working and Parker so I don't have much free time that I haven't already designated to hanging out with Nikki and Zach or going to Dayton to visit my wonderful family. Sometime I even like to do nothing on the weekends! Whenever I try to throw a third commitment into my double committed life, it gets all funky. Like my attention span is only big enough for work and Parker.....nothing else. This completely has to go! I have a lot that I have decided to take on recently! I think I have found a house that I want to purchase, I signed up for a class to get this Master's degree ball rolling and.....well, I guess I have really only added two things, but it feels like more......oh yes, I think I am dating someone. I am not sure though because I am kind of a moron at telling those things, but it seems like it is on that path (But it it is never mentioned again, I am just being a moron right now)
But now that I have added to my life (which is kind of the point of living, to add to your life, and not always in the material sense but in the fulfillment sense), the things that have pre-existing importance seem to be out of whack. Like at work....I am supposed to have the fall schedule done by Wednesday (a time line that I set for my self).....a schedule for some 20 or so employees who are mostly in college and demand very specific hours while I have to make it to meet my demands, my fellow GM's demands and our shift runner's demands.....and I haven't even looked at anyone's availability! My labor is too high, yesterday I walked around like a zombie most of the day, I don't feel like maintaining my usual responsibilities and frankly, I feel like I am losing my normal controlling, bad ass self.......
The other part of my life, Parker, I have never had under control. We waver on when we get along and when we don't. The focus for most the past month has been all about him going to Kindergarten...that has been my main focus and thought. There was basically nothing else on my mind. Now, granted, it's only been a full week in, I feel the routine falling slowly into place. My focus is not completely around him and Kindergarten anymore, but I am trying to get work back on track so the past couple days has been a bit of a struggle with Parker, our equilibrium is jacked up. Luckily, this weekend is a Mommy and Parker weekend, and generally we get back to the same page when we can spend time together that is not confined to our house and chores, when there is something that we go do together. We are going to the Reds game on Sunday and looking forward to watching them smash the Cubs.....should be good.
Back to the point.....will there ever be a time when I can balance more than my child and my job? Losing my grip on both has damaging effects on my belief in my ability to handle more. I think I can most of the time, but then this happens and I lose my intensity for the rest of what I am trying to reach. This house is amazing and I was supposed to call my bank this week about my pre-approval, but I didn't. I still haven't figured out my financial aid for school. And I have no idea what to even think about this gentleman that has entered my life (so therefor I won't think of that part). Negotiating what I want and what I can handle is so very hard to do. Most of the time I think I can take on anything and everything, people around me make me believe that I can too....which is probably the best support that I could ask for, but I feel like I may come up short sometime and disappoint someone.....and as a middle child, disappointing anyone is one of my biggest fears.