Wednesday, September 26, 2012

It's hard to admit, but I screwed up this summer.  I have tried to not screw anything up for so long, my lapse in responsibility is stilling making me kick my ass everyday.  I hurt someone that I love dearly.  The inertia of our relationship has slowed dramatically and I can only blame myself.  I have legitimized my actions, but at the end of the day, there is no good reason for them.  While I believe that my partner is moving past the pain, I can not.  Whenever we have a fight, I feel like it is always going to go back to my irresponsibility, although it doesn't.  When we are on top of the world, my joy is always cut short because I hurt him and I wonder why he has decided to forgive me and if I would do that same if the tables were turned. 

I have no intention of claiming perfection, but I have made strides to not screw anything up in a long time.  I have my up and downs, but when it comes to big things, like working hard at a job, at mothering, and in my relationship, I put forth my all and do what I can to not make a mistake.  And I did.  I can't stand that I did. 

I wonder if I will ever get the hang of being in a relationship.  I don't think I am very good at it although I want to be and I try to be.  I know that it is him that makes me want this.  I haven't met anyone who has made me want to work so hard for a future together.  I have never had anyone who wants to work so hard with me to make a future together.  While it's unrealistic to state that there are no bad things, the good so grossly out weigh them, they seem insignificant.

Now all I want is to move forward at a sprinter's pace.  I want to move to the next step.  But I have halted the speed.  If we never get to the next step, will it be because he can't get past this?  He believes he can right now, but that can change.  The idea of not having him tears my heart out of my chest.  Regardless of knowing I can support myself and RP, knowing that I can take care of myself, now that I know this love, I don't want to be without a partner. 

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