Limbo

I have realized recently that I live for 5pm.  That time of day has had more significance to me over the past few months than ever before.  Back in the day, when I was still working at JJ, 5pm didn't mean much.  I still was thinking about work and I was living work well after I left.  Changing to an office job started the trend, but still, it hasn't been until this year that everything I look forward to is after 5pm.  There are the highlights in the morning, like getting RP to school, but when I leave work I rush to get to the two people I could spend all my time with.  Coming home to RP alone has always been the joy of my day, but it brought along it's own amount of stress that sometimes the idea of staying at work seemed easier.  Now, sharing the responsibility of parenting, house chores, and of the the joy of RP makes me not want to leave my house.....sharing all of this makes me happier and makes me enjoy my life more.

This is ironic.  I started this post the other night.....I think it was Wednesday.  I have been wanting to write about all the changes that have happened over the past month with B living here now when this "living for 5pm" realization occurred.  Everything in the short paragraph above is true.  I feel like my day truly begins at 5 when I leave work...but here is the irony: Thursday I was let go from the company where I employed.  Yup......I am a product of downsizing.  I have never been fired or let go from a position before.  It is so surreal.  I had already requested Friday off as PTO.  RP had been on Spring Break all week and since B doesn't work on Fridays, we were going to have a..........well........"special couple day."  We had champagne and OJ for mimosas and the plan was to stay in bed all day.  Just be together without a child.  I have never really realized how great that time is of complete togetherness without thinking about a schedule or time frame.  So anyway, I knew I wasn't going to be working Friday but now I don't have a job to return to next week.  That is the part that is so weird.  The last time I was unemployed, it was when RP was just born until he was about 1 year old.....but I was going to school full time still, so that is still a job.  Since I started working, I have always made working part of me....of who I am.  For right or wrong, I have never wanted to not work.  I am the person that says they will still work even if they win the lottery.  I enjoy, sometimes I love it.  Being productive, being a part of something that you get to leave at the end of the day, it helps me function.

It is so weird.  It wasn't a personal decision....I know that.  It was purely numbers and business.  I get it.  I am a logical person, and from the way that conversations had been happening over the last six months, I can't say that I am that surprised.  But why was I picked and not another person in the department?  That is the personal verses business struggle.  I sat in my car for 40 minutes after I cleared my desk.  Part of me was trying to decide if I was going to say "Fuck It" and go to the nearest bar.  Part of me was just trying to be able to focus on driving instead of what just happened.  I knew I had to go home.

This is very shocking news but there is a really big bright side.  I have an interview tomorrow.  This is amazing news really.  I don't want to be overly confident about how I think I will do tomorrow, but I have the highest of hopes.  It would be ideal if I am hired immediately.....then last week could just be like a little blip.  But for now I am in a limbo state.  I know it is Sunday and it is time for bed very soon because have some where to be by 9am......an hour later isn't that big of a deal......but Tuesday.  And Wednesday.  And Thursday.  And Friday.  What about those days.  What will I do then?  And if this interview does not go the way that I want it to go......limbo is a scary place to be.