Under Pressure

A lot of what I write about on here is personal, but this is a different kind of personal....

This morning I was reading a friend of mine's new blog, corndogchatslife.blogspot.com, and it made me think of how much I miss what he describes....love.  Most of the time I don't notice that I miss it because I have it everyday and all day.  I love unconditionally all day and everyday.  I am loved unconditionally all day and everyday.  I have friends and family that love me, but like Corndog states, there is another love that people seek out, desire and long for....romantic love.  I have had love, real love....well, looking back, I have truly loved another person.  Regardless of the negative things he did and put me through, I truly loved him.  I am sure that he loved me the best he could, but it obviously wasn't meant to be.  At this point though, I realize that I want what my friends and family have...they have all found their counterparts, partners, or as I like to call them, their weirdos.  You know...the person you can be your weirdest with and they are weird right next to you and gets it.

I met someone recently, and although he is extremely unavailable.....he gives me the looks.  It has been a while since I have had someone look into my eyes the way that he has.  Most of me thinks that it is fake....I am insecure when it comes to believing someone, beside my family and friends, thinks I am worth "it."  Although I want to, I know that me and my son, my job and my desire for a more educated future are obstacles that make my time management more difficult, so I am conflicted.  I am lonely.  I miss being loved and loving in that sense but I am not ready to settle in my job or education or life.  I still want independence that I don't know if I can have in a relationship....I don't know how to negotiate my autonomy while in a partnership.  Yet, I feel like I am running out of time.  Parker told me last night that since his regular dad isn't around, that he probably would be okay with a step-dad.....kinda broke my heart.  It is hard to meet someone, like them, let them like me back and not think about what the future of the relationship will be....and then I create too much pressure on my self and no one is fun to be around when they are under pressure!

My mom thinks that I should talk to someone beside family members about how I feel and how I want to change, but the thing is.....I can't do it.  When my parents divorced, I tried, but I sugar coat everything so that it is all fine.  So I am using this occasionally as my therapy.  If you don't want to read it, I understand.  If you can relate, I would love some in put.  I hate being serious but I guess it is inevitable in life!  Can't be silly unless you are serious sometimes....right?!?!