I forgot his milk money!

Parker is in Kindergarten.  He is there right now, listening intently, hanging on his teacher's every last word waiting for the next seed of information to be planted in his head

so that it will grow and he will grow.  He is behaving tremendously.
He is making new friends and not over entertaining everyone.
He has probably already learned to count to 100.......

Ok.  So that might be a stretch but a mom can hope...right?  I know is doing great.  He woke up this morning excited as all get out.  He thought at first it was saturday but quickly realized that he was going to Kindergarten today.  Which is a relief because yesterday he was not very excited.  He cried when about his friends and decided that school was going to be awful.  He didn't want to go anymore.  At bed time, he had tears again.  It wasn't until after my mom told him the story of my first day of Kindergarten and me reminding him that he has had two first days of daycare already, that he calmed down and was okay with life.  He even looked at me and said, "I'm getting pretty tired now so I am just going to go to bed." And he did.

This morning, he got him self dressed, ate all of his food, made sure his back pack was packed just right and insisted on putting his lunch items in his lunch bag.  He decided to wear Christmas socks because he wants to be silly....and Christmas socks in the summer is complete silliness!.  And of course he had to pose for his pictures......

This one is my favorite...what a ham

So then it was off to the school.  He was really quiet outside the building but hurried in front of me to get in.  It was like he was calculating his move through the crowd and trying to recognize any of the kids he met at the open house in the spring.  Once he was in the classroom, he found his name at the table and promptly told the Teacher's Aid that I had forgotten to write his name on his lunch bag......thanks Parker....so good at pointing out the stuff that Mommy forgets!  Then he found his name in the closet for his backpack, hung it up and sat at his seat.

And that look on his face was my cue to leave.  I gave him about 50 more kisses and left the school.  There was no wimper, no whine, no eyes with tears, no "Mommy wait," no plea for me to stay......he was completely ready.  My eyes welled as I left the building.  They welled when I called my mom to tell her how well he did.  They are welling right now.  Not because I am sad or worried or because I am use to the house being filled him (normally I am at work so this is kinda weird)....but because I am not there to see him grow and learn and see him experience this transition in his life.

When our kids are born they become our lives.  They are the first ones on our minds at any given point in time during the day.  And while they are babies, we are the only ones on their minds.  They are our lives and we are theirs.  But for them, it doesn't last.  I would say right around the time they start walking is the first time they start to "live their own life."  They are mobile and move on their own.  From there on, every milestone is a step to their own life.....and don't get me wrong, I am so happy for this as well but it is a painful reminder for parents that we are not their world and will not be their world again.  I have held on to those months when I was his world for years now.  The first time he started daycare was the hardest, but it is the same feeling I have now.  I want to be present for every bit of his life and I can't.  The first time he went to motorcycle races with my dad was a reminder that he has his own life that is separate from our life.  And now Kindergarten.  I want to be there right now.  I want to see how he interacts with his new classmates and his teacher.  I want to see how he handles recess.  I want to see what his personality is like when I am not around.  I can't though because that would cause some serious psychological problems in the future if I attempted to enmesh myself in his life that much.  I have to take it in stride and know that regardless I am always his mom.  I am his only mom and will always be important in his life.....even when he hates me.  Too bad we can't become invisible sometimes or have a separate invisible self that can always be apart of our child's life....I know it sounds creepy and I would not want to see everything, but today would be a day I would choose.

And yes, I completely forgot to leave milk money with him.....but I dropped it off at the school on the way home from the grocery store.....that made me feel like crying too.