Sunday, September 26, 2010

Damned if I do.....Damned if I don't

My relationship with Parker's dad isn't something that I talk about too much here.  It is in the past, I mostly want it to stay there and also, while I share details to my life and my feelings and thoughts and what not, but more so I feel like it is too much of Parker's life to share.  That may not make sense, but I feel like going to deeply into it would be a violation of his privacy.  Having said that, I will not go into past detail as to how we got together, how we broke up and some of the events since then, so my thoughts may not make complete sense.  There has been the least amount of contact this year.  I think it has been twice.  My phone rang about 2ish months ago, I answered and it was Parker's paternal grandmother.  I haven't seen or heard from her since his father lived with her about 2 years that I think about it, it was almost 2 years ago on the dot.  I take that back though, I have talked to her a few times, but not in the past year.  It was odd.  My heart was pounding.  I used to expect the random phone calls so it wasn't as shocking, but after you get used to not getting them, when they happen, it floors you.  It wasn't unpleasant, no yelling or arguing.....too much, just weird.  I don't know what she wanted.  Some how though, my words had been misconstrued into their family believing that I told them to lose contact with me and Parker.  That is not true.  I have told them that I wouldn't tolerate certain behavior around my child and that he wouldn't be dropped off randomly for a weekend here or a weekend there, but no contact at all?!?!?!  That is just fucking stupid.  So there was that discussion.  Did I mention that Parker and I were at Target when this happened?  Yea, so that was going on too.  *deep breath*
Basically, because of circumstance, I ended the conversation as quickly as I could.  Being the "I feel responsible for everyone" person that I tend to be, I felt awful.  I wanted to call her back and "clear the air," but when I thought about it more....I got angry.  Why should I pursue them when it was so easy for them to make me the bad person in the already black situation?  Why should I continue to try to make irresponsible people responsible?  *deep breath*
So why am I bringing this up now?  Facebook.  I love it.  I am on it entirely way too much. I like to post the ridiculous things that Parker says, our pictures, links to my blog, I like being sarcastic and ridiculous because I don't take it super super serious....but I do open my life on it.  I forgot that almost everyone has facebook.  I mean, my Dad does.  So I got a message on my favorite facebook from his grandmother.  Another floored kind of feeling.  I almost feel violated, like they shouldn't have been looking me up, but it's facebook.  I am so confused about my feelings for this family because of the years that I was a part of it and because of the amount of years I have been away from it.  It is a difficult situation.  There was also a friend request, which I will ignore.  There is too much of me on there  for them to see, which I am not okay with.  After a long discussion with my mom....I replied, short and nice....included my email with the request that we not stay in contact via facebook.  But now that door has been opened a crack.  Whether or not the people on the other side will take advantage of this cracked door is open for debate.  The recent past makes me think not and that this is just a blip for the time being and we will go on our very peaceful, merry way.  Or I will have to learn about the meaning of sharing again.  That latter will be difficult.  I have raised him and I will have a hard time "sharing" that responsibility if it ever got to that point.  But there it is.....I feel like I have taken a higher road.  I have left the door open.

No comments:

Post a Comment