Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Still in my heart

I broke the rule and called after mr text me.  It was awful but wonderful at the same time.  And all I want to do is talk about it and obsess over what everything means and could mean.  I am giving myself false hope.  It's over even though he is still in my heart.  It's over even though I may still be in his.  He will not change his mind and I have to think about something else.  At least when I am home.  At work I stand at a slicer doing the same mindless routine for about 80% of the time that I am there.  I will allow myself to think about it there, to be sad and tearful (not too tearful though, I have a reputation to uphold)....I am sure my employees will love that, but they can get over it.  So I am giving myself this last entry to talk about it this week.  I know it will come up again because he was extremely profound to me, but I can not only talk and think about someone who is not in my life.  Damnit, I want him in my life.  I want to be angry, but I understand and respect where his is in his life.  I want to cry and talk about how unfair it is, but we had an amazing time together.  I think that is why it hurts the most.....it was great and if one little thing was different, it would still be great.  I have to let my mind move forward though, I cannot keep revisiting it here everyday, although that is what I would like to do.  It cannot consume my life.  Starting tomorrow I am going to distract my thoughts with a 30 day challenge.  

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