Friday, September 9, 2011

A Lifetime Ago

Once upon a time.....what seems like a lifetime ago, there were three little girls who were very much a part of my life.  I loved them.  At first there were only two but then the third came along and I was able to be apart of her growth.  I watched her change from a helpless infant to a very independent little girl.  The middle one changed so much while I knew her as well.  She was a rambunctious toddler when I first met her and she grew to be athletic and strong in build and nature.  She was a comedian too.  The oldest, however, was probably my favorite.  She was smart, inquisitive, funny, eager to help and please, nurturing to her younger siblings and years older than her actual age.  I remember teaching her how to spell Mississippi during a school break in first grade, she was so proud to return to school and recite it for her teacher and classmates; as memory serves me, she was one of few that couple spell that state's long name.  They are special girls that I have thought about and wondered how their lives are going now, what kind of personalities they have now, if they are the same or different.  I honestly have never thought that I would hear from or about any of them again.

So why am I thinking and even writing about this?  One of them contacted me through facebook and it has thrown me for a loop.  This may be much to personal for my blog but it is a situation that I have to talk myself through to let it out of my head, so I no longer dwell on it a let it lead my mood.  These girls were my "nieces" or as close to nieces as I have ever had.  At one point I would have told someone that I had 6 nieces.  These three though, I was much closer to than the other three.  I would help babysit, play with, read to, help with homework.  There was a lot of conflict in their young lives and I know that I helped be a solid piece of ground for them to rely on....well until I decided to break away from that family.  At that point in time I no longer thought about them or their well being as much because I was concerned about my and Parker's well being.  I know that I can not be held to a negative regard for doing that and since the break from that family, well, I think it is obvious through my past posts that there has been no communication with the common denominator between be and those girls, Parker's dad.

I was thrown last night when I signed on facebook.  I honestly had never once thought about searching for anyone from his family or thought that they would find me.  I don't like using that word either, find, like I am hiding.  I am not hiding or preventing number and location has not changed, I can not say that for the other party.  But anyway, I instantly remembered our connection and want very much to catch up....but at the same time there is a wall preventing me from doing that.  I don't think I can open that door.  I don't think that I can communicate with anyone related to him because of the choice that he has made to be completely absent from Parker's life.  But then I realize that she has nothing to do with that.  She has nothing to do with his decisions.  I don't even know if her mom still communicates with the mutual family.  Maybe she needs me in some way again, maybe I can help her like I did before......but should I?  She would then become a window for him to be able to see into the life that I have built for Parker and I without having to involve himself directly....that less fair to Parker than what has happened in his life already.  Which leads me back to the reason why I have not tried to stay connected to any of the people I once considered to be family.  I struggle with this decision often because I am cutting Parker off to cousins that he has but doesn't know.  And when I think of that I think that I am just as unfair as he is being to Parker.  That I am just as responsible. 

As you can see I continually go back and forth and it all comes back to the same question.....have I made the right decision in not trying to make his father have a relationship with his son.  I did try for a while but there was no result and eventually their were no numbers I could call that weren't disconnected.  This will always haunt me.  I will always wonder.  Sometimes I forget about it but then there is a blatant reminder that smacks me in the face like this one.  Can someone from the future please leave me a message telling me that I made a good decision.  That moving on with our life was and has been the best thing for creating a stable life for him?  And also, please tell me what I should do about this recent facebook request..........

1 comment:

  1. You aren't stopping T from being in Parker's life; he is the one who is NOT in Parker's life and it is his own choice. Do not ever feel bad about that.

    It's your choice to approve her or not; you can always approve her but put her on a limited profile so she can't see everything. Maybe she can tell you where T is so his lowlife ass can go to jail and pay some child support.