Ah, 22. Remember 22? It was a careless age of not caring how late you slept or what exactly happened the night before. Your entire life was ahead of you that it didn't matter if you were single or coupled, almost college grad or not there yet, jobless or career bound.....it just didn't matter. Okay, that was not my experience but I can imagine that is how it is for most 22 year olds. I was pregnant and about to bust, changing majors as a 3rd year student and wondering if the relationship I had committed to was really worth all of the sacrifices I was making. Not so care-free now that I am thinking back upon it. But there was a sense of "I can worry about that (insert whatever life issue here) when I am older" because 22 is so young. Maybe that was how I made it careless. I would think about my career "later." I would think about what kind of adult I wanted to be "later." I would decided what parenting techniques and type of schooling my child would have "later." That was how I lived out my carelessness. I would make all of the adult decisions that I couldn't make as a 22 year old "later." I never thought that "later" would be present.
So now I am 28 on the precipice of 29. There have been changes in my life since I was 22. All of the have been very positive changes. I ended the questionable relationship. I finished college with outstanding grades. I started a salary job days after I graduated. I have raised (solo) a fabulously interesting son who is smart and independent. Overall I have been very successful and I am proud of that except all of a sudden I feel my biological clock for the first time ever and I am only 28! It sounds so ridiculous! I want a career that is not Jimmy John's. Now that I find my self in a wonderful relationship, I want more than a single life....maybe even a bigger family. There are so many things that I want that I have not wanted in the past 5 years...some of the things I had not even considered for my future and now they are thoughts that cross my mind every day. I don't know how to address my wants. I don't know how to feel about the things that I want now. Do I need them? Was I fooling my self before when I thought I would be able to be single forever? That I would never dream of a life changing career? Did I think that I would never have a desire to have more children (which honestly I am still on the fence about)? I never thought that I would change beyond the mentality that I used to survive. That mentality made me strong and successful so now, do I need to still think the same way? I never know when to let down my guard and accept the change that has entered my life. When do I allow myself to depend on others more? A huge part of me thinks that I should always be able to "pay my own way"...ya know....just in case. But is that the right way to think in a relationship? That way of thinking has kept me from depending on others enough to move on to a career or to graduate school. I can't move on if my only concern in "paying my own way" because of the possibility of not entering a new job at my same salary....and seriously, getting a Masters and working enough to support me and another?!?!?!? Yea right! I know there are those who can do that....but I know my limitations...I don't think I could. I can barely fit in family and friends as of now. Plus there is no way I would ever be able to settle for anything less than perfect grades. I mean come on...I'd be paying for it, I would have to get the most for my buck which would be absolute dedication.
I remember watching a Sex in the City episode called the Catch 38. It was about choosing a relationship over the possibility of ever having a child. The same biological questions from that made up 38 year old mind and some of the same ones that I am having at 28. I have never felt so old before in my life and sometimes it seems like it is half over already! I have so much time in front of me, yet there are so many limitations to that time that I find myself unable to move. Someone please give me a good shove....I mean it....like a really good-give your neck whiplash shove- so that I move forward with something. (And I am sure that this is not the first entry where I have mentioned most of the above complaints before)