For as long as I have been single, I wonder what it is like on the other side of the fence. I see family pictures of the smiling dad and mom with the adorable toddler and infant; there is such joy in their faces. I read blogs of happily married couples that have it all with their wonderful little newborn or toddler or sometimes more than one child. All of these people are my cohort. Between facebook and blogs that I follow, I am surrounded by more happily smiling intact families than I am never married single moms. The jealously that stirs inside of me has surfaced every once in a while....sometimes I bitch about it to real people, other times I bitch about through this blog. It is hard to be surrounded by intact families and not wonder what that feels like. The idea of becoming pregnant is terrifying whether you are planning or not, but it seems like it would be less catastrophic if the family was intact. (No I am not pregnant, just a comparison). There is are many blogs that I read written from mothers that are so in love with their husbands and love being mothers so much that I sometimes feel inadequate in my mothering. And it also seems so foreign to me to love a man that much, to be in awe of him. I don't know that feeling. I love mr, very much. I very much like the idea that we will spend our lives together. I want that, but I don't feel like I am in awe of him. Is there a link to that man being the father of your children too? Eh, I don't know....but seeing women that have that much love for there partner amazes me. This is how I have felt for so long that I am surprised at how much I have changed in the past 6 weeks.
Since leaving JJ, I feel like I have been able to see my life for the first time in years. There has been so much going on for two years that I have just walked through, not looking around and paying attention to the detail around me. I feel like I have moved out of a haze. I hate that I have neglected my dearest friends for the past two years, it seems like Nikki should have just had Sadie, not that Sadie will be two in August. I feel like I haven't seen my family in two years because I haven't made the time. Seeing all of them at my house this past Sunday and at Parker's events filled me with so much love and joy. I see Parker everyday, but I am now seeing how short I have been towards him because of exhaustion or focusing on my job. I see how wonderful of a man mr is better now. I see how much he loves Parker and I. I see how much he tries to be with us and how much he sacrifices to make us happy. I felt that he did not contribute as much time as I did before but I see that he does. Everyday I am excited to come home because I know that I will have time to myself after Parker goes to bed. That time is what I lacked before. I have time to think, to read, to exercise, to sleep more if I want, to blog (even though it is still sparatic), time to clean and catch up on the house so that my weekends can be better spent on the other people in my life. I have had time to reflect on the things in my life that make me happy instead of stressing about the one thing that made my life more complicated than easier.
I was talking to Lauren the other day and almost at the same time we both said, "Yeah, my life is pretty great right now." And almost at the same time with both said, "Wow, I don't think I have ever said that before." Six weeks ago if you asked me if my life was great I wouldn't have been able to answer with too much fear of knowing I was walking away from my comfort zone and entering something new. Six months ago if you would have asked me how I liked my life, if it was good or not, I would have shrugged and said, "Yeah, it's fine." But unknowingly I was lying. I did not know how unhappy I was with one part of my life and how it trickled to everything else until I have been away from it and I see what it is like on the other side of the fence. Granted I do not have the intact family with my son's father, but I have my family of two. I have a man in my life who respects me and my child and who would do anything for me if I asked. I know what those wives and mothers are talking about in their blogs and smiling about in their pictures. I do not have it in the same regard, but I have it all.