Grief

I knew it was going to happen.  You can only keep grief at bay for so long before you end up crying while walking to your car and then can't stop all night.  Or when someone asks how you are and you tear up. 

No one tells you how to handle grief as a grown up or as a parent.  No one tells you that grieving is so much harder when you are the caretaker of another person.  Suppression has been my method because I don't have time to greive in my day.  There is too much to take care of that no one else will do for me.

We had a pack meeting tonight which went really well overall, but the things I would normally take care of, I didn't even remember until someone else was taking care of it.  A month ago was our last meeting which means last night a month ago, MR had our round 1 of breaking up (which technically was round 2 if you count our beginning of August conversation) and the after our last pack meeting I got the call about my grandpa. 

Here we are a month later, I still don't know that I have come to realize that grandpa is gone and I have left the person who I thought I would marry.  It's like everything is just involuntary reaction; no real brain power is happening.

This is the busiest time in the year and all I want to do is stay in bed.  I am ready for my motivation to return.  I am ready to be me and not a sad, unorganized, irresponsible version of me.