Thursday, September 19, 2013

A New Chapter.....again.

Leaving someone you love it hard.  Making the decision to be end a relationship with love still in your heart is complicated.  Sometimes it's true that you can’t be with the one you love.  For so many reasons, love isn’t the only thing you have to have.  I love the Beatles’ notion that "all you need is love," but I seriously doubt they were talking about a lifelong relationship between to people when they wrote those lyrics.  You need more than that.  You need to want the same thing.  You need to have a "us verse the world" attitude.  In the words of my grandma, you need to have common interests and agree on the big things in life.  (She also threw in great sex, but in all honesty, that was not an issue)  When a relationship is lacking some of those factors-it is hard.  I have always heard that sometimes you have to walk away, but my idealistic nature believed John Lennon and Paul McCartney…..I wouldn't let walking away fly.  If there is love you can work through anything.  Right?  Until you aren't happy.  When you aren't happy, you lose direction.  If I don’t have direction and something that I am working towards, it perpetuates my unhappiness.  I debated faking happiness as long as I could….the stupid idea that I would sacrifice my happiness for the happiness of two others.  I think that would make me a worse person than leaving someone that I love.  I think that would have been a deep cut, one that would be harder for him to rebuild himself.  I would have been robbing him of a happy life and replacing it was a fake happy life.  That would be much worse than leaving him.  I believe that there is someone better for him.  I know he thinks that it's over because I think there is someone better out there for me.  And of course I have thought of that, but it has not been in the forefront, it is not the reason why I have left.  I believe he will find her.  He will fall in love so fast and he will not wait to commit himself to her for the rest of their lives, and he will make her happy.  He will spoil her like he did me, but he will spoil her with more than he was able to for me, because she will be more accepting of it.  She will be able to communicate, appreciate, and give him the affection that I couldn't give him.  He will have a happy life.  He will find his inner peace.  He will be happy.

I will be happy too.  I am happy.  I may find someone one day.  Someone that will love every part of my personality.  Someone who will love the positions I take in the world and who will have the same kind of drive that I have.  Someone who will match me and push me further.  Someone who will not be jealous of my past, or my present.  

I am happy that I had the chance to love him.  I think loving him has made me better.  Before him, I didn't know if I had the capacity to fully love someone.  It has made me aware of the barriers I still keep around my heart.  We all need to work on ourselves, to make ourselves better people.  He has made me aware of where I need to work to make sure that in my next relationship, I don't fall into the same patterns.

Here I am.  Just RP and I again.  We will survive.  He will survive.  We will all build resilience.  We will build character because we will have dealt and lived through something that, at one point in time, none of us could image.

Here's to moving forward.

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