Thursday, September 10, 2009

Skeletons and closets

I don't know why this is happening. I don't really want to talk about
this but sometimes talking to no one helps to get your mind off the
thing that is occupying it the most. What seems like forever ago I
was in a "happy" "loving" long term "committed" relationship. I use
all those terms in quotes because they were my true feelings at the
time. It's amazing how much more honest you can be about your
feelings for another person once you are not involved with that person
every day of your life. I digress. I have not cried over the loss of
this relationship in my life for a long time. I have not talked about
the loss of this relationship in my life for a long time. Whenever he
has been mentioned in my life it is always in relation to Parker,
which makes complete sense because that is who he is hurting on a
daily basis by being uninvolved. This past week, though, all of my
past anger and hurt and fear of the future without him has come
rushing back to me and I don't know why. It is not close to any
important date from what was us. It is not close enough to a holiday
to be missing the family that I once had. There is nothing
significant going on right now that should make me miss him for me and
not for Parker. There are tons of reasons everyday that make me sad
that Parker doesn't have his dad there to cheer him on, every child
deserve both their parents to be in their life. Wanting him to be
around for Parker is a pain that I have learned to deal with everyday
Parker looks at me and says anything about his daddy. But that isn't
want I have felt this week. I have felt the lack of him in my life.
Suddenly I will be jolted with saddness because I don't have him. I
almost cried because I missed him. I can't miss him! I can't cry for
him! I don't want him! I am angry that I even am giving him this
much thought right now! But if I don't express it I can't get through
it. I don't like talking about him outloud and the statute of
limitations is up on the amount of time I can dwell on the pain he
caused in my life.

Why do I feel like it is so recent again? Is this part of healing and
moving beyond? Do I have to deal with the blows of a breakup all
over? All I want is for that part of my life to go away (except the
part that involved the creation of my beautiful child). I want to be
able to look back and know that there were good, happy, positive times
but all I see is darkness, hurt and pain. Everytime I am asked where
he is and if we call him tonight, my jaw clenches and my heart beats
faster because of the instant anger, and I have to look at the one
person that doesn't deserve the pain and tell him, no we can't call
because mommy doesn't know where he is.

I know I am stronger than this. I know I can be beyond these
feelings. I know that I made the right decision two and half years
ago. I never question my self about that but I am wondering if he
would fit into my life right now. The only good part is that I can't
see it. When I close my eyes I can't picture it.

This all holds me back. The things that I want the most are the
things that scare me the most. I need to move on.

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