Friday, January 29, 2010


I know I posted that countdown to when I am taking the GRE, but I have been lacking on my preparation already. I am a really bad test taker, so I really need to study, study, study. I will blame being deathly ill last week on the pause in progress, but I figure if I talk about it enough to others and write it down as much as possible, then I have to hold my self accountable to actually taking the test....I mean, someone is bound to ask me on March 16th how I felt like I did AND they do give immediate results on everything except the writing....sooooo....I am going to do it. I swear. I took the study guide out of my back seat and everything today... (this really is just a pep talk to myself at this point).

Thursday, January 28, 2010

January 27

Last night was a night that I dread. Once in a while they happen, but it was the worse it's ever been. Parker often brings up his dad, though not as often as he used to. His dad pops into conversation occasionally. It was more that "popping" in to conversation last night though. Whenever this happens, I never know how to react, because I feel so many emotions at once. Pain, guilt, anger, sadness, is just a mess of emotions. I am proud of Parker though, because he articulated his emotions and what he was feeling and his fears so well. He is growing up. I wish that someone could tell me how to fix that pain and take it away for him. I realized about half way through the conversation that yesterday was the 3 year anniversary of the day we split ways....that coincidence is strange.

This morning he was happy as a clam, hiding his Ninja Turtle in the chip rack at work. Everyday he hides one of his toys some where in the store hoping for a funny story about who found it and what they thought about it when I pick him up from daycare. He is such a wonderful child and a yearning to make people laugh and be silly with him. I am a lucky parent.

Sunday, January 17, 2010

Most of the time

2009 is over. The first month of 2010 is half way through. My goodness, I am getting old enough to wonder where the time goes. I am glad that 2009 is over, it did not treat me well. I bitch too much really, but I would just like this year to be less bumpy. Every new year we naturally do a personal "Year End Review." We sit and recall as much as we can from the past year, good and bad and start comparing it to the beginning of the new year. I have been doing this. Most people hope that they see personal growth, a better attitude, change. Or because they lacked that, they will strive for those things this year. When I am looking back over the past year, I have realized that not much has changed in my little life. I am still living in the same place, still working at the same job (mostly with the same people), still single (although a year ago I did try my hand at a relationship), still, kinda just there. Does this mean that my life is stagnant? Or comfortable? Is one bad and the other good? My friends this year have had babies or become pregnant, my sister bought a new house, my younger sister went on a personal growth journey for most of the year and I have had no real change. I am perplexed at the meaning (if any) behind this. I guess I should really ask if I want anything to change. I cannot say that I would. Most of the time I am happy, most of the time Parker is happy. Most of the time we are healthy and laughing and having fun while getting business done. Sometimes I am lonely and think that I want a partner to share the "most of the time" moments with, but luckily I have a great family and a couple truely wonderful friends.

These are my favorite ones, when you write your thoughts and through that you are able to make you own connections and see your conclusion.