Monday, November 29, 2010

It's Hard to Come Home

Mr's house is pretty awesome.  I like being there......a lot.  Thursday evening, for example, I didn't have the intention of going there after being in Dayton Wednesday night and all day Thursday.....but then, driving home and chatting on the phone, I found my self getting off onto 275 West instead of staying on 75.  The plan was to get up Friday and clean clean clean so that I wouldn't have to worry about the condition of my house the rest of the weekend.  Nope.  With Parker having fallen asleep in the back seat, it was hard to resist and then when he was telling me about his dissatisfying Thanksgiving dinners, I felt compelled to share my delicious leftovers immediately and he agreed with the thought.  So mr's is where we ended up.  Of course I came home early on Friday and accomplished about 85% of what I wanted to do and then it was time for the downtown tree lighting and ice skating......that is right.....I went ice skating.  Now I am sure that most can imagine me to be as graceful as a swan, but I am not.  Ofter my father says that I am like a bull through a China shop.  I was concerned that Parker was going to inherit my natural "talent" and since I didn't want to possibly pull Parker down when I fell, I elected mr to skate with Parker.  Mr was all like, "I haven't went ice skating in 15 years!  I may pull him down with me!"  So I got to thinking, maybe mr will suck as bad as me, we will skate wobbled kneed together and let Parker steal the show!  I rented skates too.  For some people it doesn't matter if it has been 15 years since they went skating, when you are good at it, it stays with you......that was mr. (grrrrrrr) 

Parker did great, he fell a lot, but was determined to be good at it so the falling didn't bother him.  The tree was beautiful, the hot chocolate was delicious, the kettle corn was fresh and warm, the fireworks between high-rise buildings is always a bizarre delight, but it was ridiculously cold out.  The fountain was frozen!  There weren't as many people this year as before so when we were done, we were done.

The rest of the weekend wasn't out of the ordinary except for the fact that we spent it entirely together.  The three of us.  This is a first, and I am not going to read too far into it or project anything upon it besides how lovely it was.  We helped clean, Parker helped build a shelf, the two of them fixed their hair alike, we hit up Kroger, and when it was warmer out, Parker helped chop a huge amount of firewood to bring inside.  (They made me help too, first time I have ever used an ax and the piece of wood chopped and then rolled into my shin.....yes, I bruised immediately).  I didn't want to leave.  I was content.  I was just being, instead of thinking about what was going to happen next or what the meaning of my feelings are and how to handle Parker's behavior, I was there and happy and enjoying every moment.  Those feelings are hard to leave.  But it was necessary.  Again, it was a Sunday night of back to reality.  But my realities are starting to confuse me.  There is my reality here that is just Parker and I and work and school.  Then there is the reality of mr and spending time with him and Parker and spending time with just he and I.

 It was nice being here along with Parker though.  We had a spat when we got home but things turned around, he had a nice long bath, a nice little dinner and then completed 3 pages in his workbook.  I told him I would help him, but he really didn't need me next to him.  He wrote and read the sentences without assistance.  He is a wonder to me.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Happy Birthday Yang Yang!

25 years ago, a little curly haired blond girl was about to turn 3.  Her birthday was on November 22, and she was really excited to be the big 3.  Then on the 21st of November, her father took her and her older sister to the hospital.  Her mom was there because she had had another baby.  The curly haired blond went in to a strange room with her father and her older sister.  She was confused as to why her mom was just sitting in the bed holding what seemed to be a bundle of blankets.  Her mom and dad were very excited to see the little girl and her older sister.  They introduced this bundle as the newest addition to their family and her name was Lauren.  What was even stranger to the little girl was the fact that Lauren had two wrapped gifts for her older sisters.  The little girl opened the gift and there, inside was the My Little Pony that she had coveted.  The little girl looked at this Lauren baby....and thought to herself, "how did that little baby know which My Little Pony I wanted?"  

I don't even know where to start with talking about Lauren.  There are so many hysterical stories that involve me teasing or tormenting her.  There are the ones when I told her she was adopted from my aunt, explaining why she and my cousin look so similar.....or the time that she told me I make her life miserable.....or the time I rang the doorbell and then hid just to scare the crap out of her when she answered the door.  The time when I tried to teach her how to punch.  When we went to Brasil, Jen and I tried desperately to corrupt her by giving her alcohol to drink.  Once I was in college I did actually get her drunk (it was awesome!  literally a dream come true).  We have had great times and really bad times together.  She is now a college graduate, living on an entirely different states (the only one of us to do that permanently), she has amazing talent that has taken her art and herself all over the country, and now she is engaged to a very wonderful man who understands her (most of the time).  She is a grown up.  I am so proud of her and love to brag about her art and her fashion.  She continually impresses me with her vision and how she can express it from thought to canvass.  I have always been jealous of her ability, but now I am just in awe of it.  Beyond the talent of her hands, she is well spoken and writes with the same ease as painting.  Her knowledge is so wide that one would think she has research a little bit about everything so that she will always be able to argue your point in a conversation.  We decided once, a very long time ago, that we were going to combine our use-less information to create books to share with world....because I mean really, who doesn't want to know all the same crap that we do?! 
Today is my little sister's birthday.....she is 25.  One of my first memories was the day she was born.  It is sketchy, but the My Little Pony part is totally true and so was my confusion.  It was a conflicting day, I got a new sister, but I would forever have to share my birthday with her.  I am okay with it now, but when I was younger it was hard to have to share my day (but convenient for my parents to celebrate at once).  I miss the combined birthday parties in 2 different states with 2 totally different lives makes it hard to physically visit.  Our very different schedules makes it hard to chat on the phone.

I hope you had a wonderful day Lauren!  Keep studying for the GRE, I know you'll do great!  Happy Birthday :)

Tuesday, November 16, 2010


I am addicted to facebook.  I have been since it is so easy to access via my phone.  I am on it way too much, care about it way too much, care about who accepts or puts my friend requests in queue way too much.  It is distracting and time consuming.  I hate when I miss peoples birthdays because I was only on my phone version and not the computer version.  I hate when my witty comments just sound ridiculous and poorly thought out....aka no one gets it but me.  I love quoting Parker on it.  I love posting pictures, making comments, stalking people I went to grade school and high school with.....there are a few of you that I know way more about than I should considering our high school commencement was probably that last time we were in the same room....but I know...muhahahaha!  Ahem,....sorry about the creepiness.

But tonight, Facebook, I hate you and want to have nothing to do with you.  Twice in 1 month you have informed me that someone I shared moments with in this life are no longer here.  Twice I have felt horribly that that is the way that I found out about someone's death.  The first was a former employee of mine and the second is my friend.  We were in band.  He was the little brother of my close friend during the early years of high school.  He played drums.  We would make crude innuendos about beating his drum and stroking his drum sticks.  He had red hair and I called him fire crotch.  I had a little crush on him.  I saw him about a year ago at a bar up in Dayton.  He was there with some other people I knew and he just came over a gave me a hug like he would in the band room.  He had the best smile.  His family is in pain.  His sister, my adolescent friend is hurting like I can't even imagine.  His friends, our mutual friends are hurting....there is one in particular that I grew up with that I am thinking about right now.  My heart and love and thoughts go out to all of them.  To all of those he knew. 

Monday, November 15, 2010

Birth Control

I have never been on birth control.  This maybe an over share for many people but I have mixed feelings about it.  I am by no means against birth control methods at all!  I should have paid more attention to them when I was 21. (sidenote: I say that but could not even imagine who I would be or how life would be without Parker, but still, I should have been smarter).  I think that it is extremely important to teach adolescents about all the different forms out there, whether they are sexually active or not.  I think that teaching abstinence is important but not the only form of sex education.  I think that all young people, regardless of private or public education has the right to know how their bodies work and how the opposite sex works as well.  I was in 4th grade when we started sex ed.  They divided the girls and the boys to minimize the embarrassment that goes along with learning about reproduction.  We learned all about our uteri, fallopian tubes, ovaries, and vaginas.  It was tough because I hadn't started my period yet, I was deathly afraid of puberty and I didn't want to know what was going to happen because I just simply didn't want to grow into a woman yet.  The next year, separately, we learned about the male reproductive system, the actual act of intercourse and the stages of fetal development.  The last year of grade school, collectively we watched The Miracle of Life that had a live birth at the end of it.  That year we learned about contraceptives, their use and STD prevention.  It was later once I was in high school that we learned about contraceptives in detail.  With all of this knowledge, I still never made the decision to be sexually active and on birth control.  There was and is a fear there about what it is doing to a woman's body.  I know that it is safe and can't imagine what the world would be like if Margaret Sanger hadn't started the birth control fight.  I understand the fight and sacrifice that she made to bring birth control to working women who didn't have control over their sexual life....the women that bore children that they didn't want to mother.  But changing the way that my body works hormonally scares me.  I know that there are benefits like less acne, lighter periods, and if I go on I will sound like a commercial.....but it is altering that way that I know my body works.  Since I became pregnant without knowing....without realizing that I had missed a period, I have learned to listen to my body better.  I know my body and changing what I know brings fear.  There is joy as well extra insurance that reduces that possibility of pregnancy is fine by me.  Even saying that I am reminded of all the women I know who have become pregnant while taking birth control so I am looped back to my original thought....should we hormonally change the way our bodies work or listen to our bodies.  Obviously we can't know everything about our bodies with out very expensive research into how often we (individually) ovulate, if both ovaries work in the same month, opposite or even do they skip a it really independence we are gaining or is it a separation of our brains and our bodies working together or it a separation from ourselves and our nature. 

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Vacation with Parker (without surgery)

Over the past few months, I have been sharing my time between my son and mr.  It is challenging.  Making sure that I am being an attentive and good mother while trying to start a relationship is a balancing act that I haven't really tried before.  In the past, I would let the guy slide out of touch, because, let's face it....that is a hell of a lot easier that juggling your attention.  But recently, Parker has been challenging those who have authority in his life-aka, his nanny and mr.  These are new people that suddenly have an adult say in his life.  He has gone with the flow over the past few months, listened well because that is the way kids are....they are on their best behavior for the newbies in their lives.  Now that he is comfortable, he has started the duel.  The nanny tells him something and he will tell her that I let him do things, she calls me and he is caught.  I am out of the room at mr's and Parker breaks a rule, I come back in and he tells me he didn't do anything mr tells me what happened and he is caught.  Teaching him to understand that they are allowed to put him in time out or tell him to change his behavior or take away a privilege from him is the hardest part of this balancing act.  At the moment of bad behavior, I am embarrassed and take it personally.  In reflection I understand that it is not always prevented, but maybe it can be subsided by designating his time with me.  It has been just the two of us for almost 4 years now.  His father was involved on and off for a bit, but really not at all for about 2 years.  Out of the 4 years, it has truly been just us in Cincinnati for 2 years.  This is a long time and understandable that as much as he loves the new people in his life, it isn't the way he has come to understand life....hence pushing their authority.

Decision for Mommy....vacation days.  Last month, Parker had a Thursday and a Friday off from school.  My Dad was gracious enough to take Parker from that Wednesday until the following Sunday.  For me, it was an opportunity to give mr way more of my attention than I had been able to give him before, and it probably has helped us grow (dare I say it!!!!!) in our relationship (ooooh snap, I said it).  For Parker it was a great vacation away from me and with his favorite person in the world, Grandpa Jeff.  But again, this month he had a Thursday and a Friday off school and not to mention the 3 days has off for Thanksgiving.....that is a lot of time to ask my Dad for babysitting help.  Genius Mommy realized though that I still had vacation half of them left!  Thursday and Friday was designated to fun for us.  Although I had planned for it to be completely Mommy and Parker days, we did have some cameo appearances from my Mom, Mary and Audrey and of course, mr.

Thursday was EnterTRAINment Junction with my Mom.  It was neat but kind of a one time thing.  Overall pretty amazing that they built all of those mountains and building.  Everything was very detailed.  Parker like the indoor jungle jim the most....shocking right?  The 5 year old's favorite part was the running around.

Friday just Parker and I discovered Sharon Woods.  The play ground was obviously the first time on the list then our packed lunch and then our Gorge trail hike.  It was a perfect day to hike, the sky was so blue and gorgeous.  We learned all about how the Gorge was carved by the melting and receding glacier that once covered Ohio.  Parker learned that once there were Mammoths that lived here.  It was good stuff.  He really showed an interest in the educational signs that were along the trail.  Friday night was a bonfire and marshmallows at mr's house.  A pretty perfect ending to a great day.


Saturday was the highlight.  All week Parker would not stop talking about Union Terminal and the museums that are there, so we called Mary and Audrey, picked them up and spent the day visiting all three museums.  Again, Parker showed so much interest in all of the things every sign was great because I remember not caring what they Mom would read them anyway, but ultimately, I wasn't listening....for him to show that he cares more than I did makes me happy.  It was neat that we had learned about the glaciers and the mammoths that were in Ohio before because the Natural History museum just reaffirmed it all.  Then Saturday night was at mr's again, with a movie and playing with his awesome Lego's.

 (sorry, no pictures from Union Terminal....bad Mommy)

I wanted to have something fun planned for today, but we need to have a day of just being at home.  Sounds so boring compared to the rest of the stuff - by the sounds of his playing in the other room, I think it is okay with him that we are here and not off on an, there is always next weekend. I spoiled him this weekend, but I wanted my vacation time to be more that us just sitting at home (I took a week of vacation in March for his surgery and we weren't able to do much).  When I first had the idea, I was going to take him camping, but I thought it would be cold....then I thought about taking him to the Indianapolis Zoo because they have dolphins in their aquarium, but again, I thought it was going to be cold...I was wrong-o!  It was 70 degrees each day I was off.  But now tomorrow we have to go back to work and back to school.  I kinda wanna call in sick permanently.

Thursday, November 11, 2010


This happened on Monday but I am still proud.  Nikki had some reading to do so Monday evening, Quinn came down to hang out for a bit and play with Parker.  As soon as she was in the house he called her up on the couch next to him and the letter flash cards he had made at school.  He promptly started going through the letter names and sounds, constantly telling her to repeat after him while giving word examples.  They both were great at it!  Quinn (who is 2.5) was repeating everything that came out of his mouth.

Once they were done with that, Parker picked up the toys he didn't want to share and got out the Thomas trains that Quinn wanted to play with.....a very good and educational visit.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

The feelings better not felt.

My little sister announced her engagement.  It is exciting.  My little sister is marrying the person that compliments like I never thought someone else could.  They are perfect for each other.  They bring a balance to each other.  Most importantly, Kevin tolerates Lauren in a way that can only be true love.  I remember one time they were at my mom's for a visit.  Lauren used to get Wizard Magazine when she was in her comic phase.....or I should say, when she was more into comics....but anyway, they were sitting on the couch together, reading this magazine and talking what sounded like gibberish to everyone else in the room, but they completely understood each other.  The entire time, they would laugh and discuss what they were reading, maybe a slight disagreement every once in a while....but overall, it was a very nerdy but heart warming moment to witness.  I am filled with joy for them and her ring is absolutely perfect.  I am not hugely into jewelry and most engagement rings that I see do nothing for me, but her's is magnificent.  (Sorry Jen)  If I were to pick one out for my self, it would be that shape and style....(well not now of course because I can't copy....)

But I am feeling the feelings that no one should feel when they are happy for someone else.  Both of my sister's will be married.  Both of them have found their people.  Both know what it feels to be that important to another person.  They will both be in a club that I don't belong to.  I am in the Mom Club which I can't share with them, and they are/will be in the Married Club, one of which I don't know I will ever be a part of.  Am I jealous?  I guess you could say that, but it really doesn't describe it properly.  I am joyful and happy, but it is a reminder that my life will never have been the traditional pattern of love, marriage, children......and also that I want what they both have....