Sunday, February 27, 2011

Day 18-Something you regret

Regret is funny.  We make decisions and try to think of all the outcomes before we make that decision but you can't predict everything which can lead to bad things and regret.  I have made a lot of bad decisions.  Some of them I was just simply not thinking, others I thought about but the outcome was still not a positive one...I really try not to regret though.  There is always something that happens as a result of any decision that can be good thing in our lives.  For example, Parker's dad.  There was a point in time long before Parker was born where the relationship was very bad.  It was a dark place and I fooled myself into thinking and believing that it would be better.  I know now that is when the relationship should have ended.  It would have been healthier for me at the point in time to end it.  I could not see that though....I was blinded by the relationship itself.  About a year later I became pregnant.  There have become many times where I have thought about how differently my life would have been if I had left him during that dark time....but I don't regret it.  I can't because of Parker.  Now I know I would not have missed him because I would have never known that I was going to get pregnant a year later but I would have never had him.  I am sure that I would have had another child at some point in time who would have been amazing, but I would have never met Parker.

There is one thing that I do regret that I did in high school.  I am not going to get into detail about it because I am still upset with my actions.  I had an amazing friend.  She was the most beautiful and pure soul that I have ever met.  She was kind and funny, smart and athletic, she was the girl that everyone liked.  We were very close.  I made a bad decision that negatively affected our relationship and then days later.....she found out she had spinal cancer.  I broke her heart and did not try to reconcile with her until she returned to school months later.  This is the regret that I will carry forever.  She lived a block away.  We had known each each other since we were in about the 4th grade.  I never once tried to see her while she was in the hospital.  I knew death was a possibility because I had lost a friend in a car crash the year before.  But I never tried.  She eventually healed.  The next school year we reconciled.  It was never the same though.  The pain that I had caused her and the absence from our relationship that I chose was with us forever.  She accepted my apology for the dumb mistake I had made, but I never knew how to apologize for not being there for her.  During the beginning of my 2nd year at UC, her cancer came back.  She was not able to fight the infection that developed in her blood.  It was basically the same infection that killed my grandpa when I was 10.  She was in remission, was checked out, it was all back and then because of all the crap they pumped into her, she died.  I didn't go to the funeral.  I came up with a lame ass selfish excuse.  This is the second regret that I have.  She never knew how important she was to me....because I never told her.  I will hate that forever.

1 comment:

  1. It is amazing what people and families know...talking about her's not your's. Thoughts and comments have been made that would amaze you!