Tuesday, May 22, 2012


For as long as I have been single, I wonder what it is like on the other side of the fence.  I see family pictures of the smiling dad and mom with the adorable toddler and infant; there is such joy in their faces.  I read blogs of happily married couples that have it all with their wonderful little newborn or toddler or sometimes more than one child.  All of these people are my cohort.  Between facebook and blogs that I follow, I am surrounded by more happily smiling intact families than I am never married single moms.  The jealously that  stirs inside of me has surfaced every once in a while....sometimes I bitch about it to real people, other times I bitch about through this blog.  It is hard to be surrounded by intact families and not wonder what that feels like.  The idea of becoming pregnant is terrifying whether you are planning or not, but it seems like it would be less catastrophic if the family was intact.  (No I am not pregnant, just a comparison).  There is are many blogs that I read written from mothers that are so in love with their husbands and love being mothers so much that I sometimes feel inadequate in my mothering.  And it also seems so foreign to me to love a man that much, to be in awe of him.  I don't know that feeling.  I love mr, very much.  I very much like the idea that we will spend our lives together.  I want that, but I don't feel like I am in awe of him.  Is there a link to that man being the father of your children too?  Eh, I don't know....but seeing women that have that much love for there partner amazes me.  This is how I have felt for so long that I am surprised at how much I have changed in the past 6 weeks. 

Since leaving JJ, I feel like I have been able to see my life for the first time in years.  There has been so much going on for two years that I have just walked through, not looking around and paying attention to the detail around me.  I feel like I have moved out of a haze.  I hate that I have neglected my dearest friends for the past two years, it seems like Nikki should have just had Sadie, not that Sadie will be two in August.  I feel like I haven't seen my family in two years because I haven't made the time.  Seeing all of them at my house this past Sunday and at Parker's events filled me with so much love and joy.  I see Parker everyday, but I am now seeing how short I have been towards him because of exhaustion or focusing on my job.  I see how wonderful of a man mr is better now.  I see how much he loves Parker and I.  I see how much he tries to be with us and how much he sacrifices to make us happy.  I felt that he did not contribute as much time as I did before but I see that he does.  Everyday I am excited to come home because I know that I will have time to myself after Parker goes to bed.  That time is what I lacked before.  I have time to think, to read, to exercise, to sleep more if I want, to blog (even though it is still sparatic), time to clean and catch up on the house so that my weekends can be better spent on the other people in my life.  I have had time to reflect on the things in my life that make me happy instead of stressing about the one thing that made my life more complicated than easier.

I was talking to Lauren the other day and almost at the same time we both said, "Yeah, my life is pretty great right now."  And almost at the same time with both said, "Wow, I don't think I have ever said that before."  Six weeks ago if you asked me if my life was great I wouldn't have been able to answer with too much fear of knowing I was walking away from my comfort zone and entering something new.  Six months ago if you would have asked me how I liked my life, if it was good or not, I would have shrugged and said, "Yeah, it's fine."  But unknowingly I was lying.  I did not know how unhappy I was with one part of my life and how it trickled to everything else until I have been away from it and I see what it is like on the other side of the fence.  Granted I do not have the intact family with my son's father, but I have my family of two.  I have a man in my life who respects me and my child and who would do anything for me if I asked.  I know what those wives and mothers are talking about in their blogs and smiling about in their pictures.  I do not have it in the same regard, but I have it all.

Thursday, May 10, 2012

What a Wonderful Morning

Tuesday nights was one of those nights were you feel like you have 5 hours worth of stuff to do in about an hour and a half.  Changing the oil in my 2/5 dead car was a top priority as well as making the dinner I had planned out and getting Parker to bed at his normal time.  Oh yea, I had to buy the oil too after getting Parker after getting home from work.  I had asked mr if we could come over and use his tools and flat surface for the oil changing process and of course he said yes.  I had also hoped that he would pick up my oil and oil filter during the day so I could skip that step in the evening.  The thing about planning that in your head is that it never happens in reality.  Of course it was one of those days from him so I was rushing around after work getting Parker, the food together (just wait until you see pictures of the food! Beautiful!), purchasing the oil and getting it changed before making dinner.  Getting stressed out about time tables is something that I am really REALLY good at doing.  I don't like it when things don't fall into place time wise at all, so I was stressing out and getting in a bad mood about the timing of Tuesday night for no reason at all because it all ended up falling together so well.

mr helped with my oil because I couldn't get the plug to unscrew or the oil filter.  And before anyone passes any judgement on why mr didn't just change it for me.....it is one of those things that I know how to do, so I don't really like it if other people (who I am not paying like Valvoline) to do for me.  My brother in law taught me years ago how to do it on my own, and if I had the tools and surface area, I would always do it on my own.  mr had offered to change it and in my stressed moment, I snapped at him.  But with his help, when I was ready to ask for it, we got it done.  Then we made dinner, and omg.....it was amazing!  Parker went to bed, mr and I had some hang out time and it was great!  I slept better than I have in a couple weeks.  And then there was this morning.  This is the first week night that Parker and I have stayed an mr's house for close to a month if not a little more.  It was too hard staying there while working at JJ.  It always involved waking up earlier than I already did and it was less enjoyable because I would be so worried about not going to bed on time and over sleeping.  Not relaxing at all.  But this morning we all woke up at the same time.  When I was going to get Parker out of bed, he was coming out of his room too.  It was so funny, he looked at me like "Mom, we got to get going!"  He got ready on his own, brushed his teeth on his own, made his bed on his own and because of all that, I was able to get ready and make him scrambled eggs for breakfast!  Eggs totally trump cereal for a weekday breakfast!  Then he and mr starting taking care of the cats while I finished getting my things together to leave.  mr took Parker to school shortly after I left for work.  But seriously, it was one of the best mornings I have ever had.  Wednesday was wonderful because my day started so well.  I can't do anything but smile about it.

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

It's All About the Shoes

I do have some pictures of a few outfits but I thought I would pay tribute to a few of my favorite shoes.  The green ones are my first real heels I ever bought, they are Guess and they are fabulous.  I have had them for years and they are ridiculously comfortable.  The cork wedge sandles are a new purchase.  They also are comfortable and will make a good summer shoe.  I wore them out on our date night on Saturday, and if I had like the picture of what I wore that night, I would share it, but I don't like it at all.  The white ones are another new purchase.  I bought them on Saturday along with the sandles, and the best part....they were $15!!!!!!  Again, they are super comfortable!  I wore them all day on Monday without a problem.  Next are my favorites....my blue heels from mr.  Long ago, before these blue ones, I had another pair that I lent out and never laid eyes on again.  It was sad because they were so great, but then I saw these one day when mr and I were shopping.  A couple months later, they were a random weekend gift from him.  :) While I have only gotten through most of a day with them, their beauty and height out weigh the comfort level for now....plus it isn't anything a pair of inserts can't fix! 

                                              So you saw the shoes, now a few outfits too. 
The striped shirt at the shirt with the flowers are both new.  The middle pictures really shows my angelic halo doesn't it?  I told you all I'm an angel, I don't think you believed me did you!?

Thursday, May 3, 2012

3 Weeks In

So this is my power outfit.  I should have linked this to the What I Wore Wednesdays hosted by Melaina, but I wore it today, Thursday....so obviously I missed the very open ended dead line.  I love this outfit.  Gray pencil skirt, blue blouse that ties at the waist (make me look very thin) and of course by blue satin peep toe 4 inch heels.  Yea, I pretty much own it when I wear that outfit.  It makes me feel good.  Confident, sexy, professional and the fact that I can walk successfully in those heels all day, bad ass.  I needed that feeling today, well this week really.  I am completing my third week at my new job.  Honestly, this week has been the best week in terms of learning.  I have been training with a different person each week, learning their position in the department although I will not be performing what I am learning right now.  So basically I learn how to do everything over about 8 weeks and then I will know how to do what I need to do from that.....it sounds backwards, but this week it has felt like it was working.  I have teased that either the woman I am training with has the easiest part or its starting to come together.

The group has been very confident in my progress and ability this early in.  I was allowed to do a claim alone last week and although they were not major errors, I did have three minor errors.  It was a big blow to my confidence level.  I felt bad that I didn't remember the parts and it was embarrassing because their confidence in me boosted me higher than I think I should have been.  If someone has high expectation of me, then I tend to have higher ones of myself.  And I really hate failing.  But that was last week.  This week I decided to go get JJ for lunch and it (naturally) made me terribly sad and nostalgic for my old line of work.  I loved that job but as you all know....it didn't work for me any longer.  On top of those two things, I have realized that I hate not having a buddy at work!  I eat lunch alone each day.  I hate that!  I miss my crew at JJ.  I miss laughing with them about all the dumb shit that customers would do (and by the way, when you order an unwich online it automatically says no lettuce on the ticket bc I did not specify that).  I miss being sarcastic and just having bull shit conversations about everything all day.  I miss their personalities.  Basically most of last week and the beginning of this week have been hard emotionally.  So being bummed out last week and all sad about missing my old job and crew this week made me wear my favorite outfit.  Give me a boost that I needed.  

Today was great.  I adore the woman that is training me this week.  She is sarcastic, witty, slightly inappropriate and we work well together.  I am happy that I have her this week.  It was perfect timing.