Thursday, September 26, 2013


I knew it was going to happen.  You can only keep grief at bay for so long before you end up crying while walking to your car and then can't stop all night.  Or when someone asks how you are and you tear up. 

No one tells you how to handle grief as a grown up or as a parent.  No one tells you that grieving is so much harder when you are the caretaker of another person.  Suppression has been my method because I don't have time to greive in my day.  There is too much to take care of that no one else will do for me.

We had a pack meeting tonight which went really well overall, but the things I would normally take care of, I didn't even remember until someone else was taking care of it.  A month ago was our last meeting which means last night a month ago, MR had our round 1 of breaking up (which technically was round 2 if you count our beginning of August conversation) and the after our last pack meeting I got the call about my grandpa. 

Here we are a month later, I still don't know that I have come to realize that grandpa is gone and I have left the person who I thought I would marry.  It's like everything is just involuntary reaction; no real brain power is happening.

This is the busiest time in the year and all I want to do is stay in bed.  I am ready for my motivation to return.  I am ready to be me and not a sad, unorganized, irresponsible version of me.  

Thursday, September 19, 2013

A New Chapter.....again.

Leaving someone you love it hard.  Making the decision to be end a relationship with love still in your heart is complicated.  Sometimes it's true that you can’t be with the one you love.  For so many reasons, love isn’t the only thing you have to have.  I love the Beatles’ notion that "all you need is love," but I seriously doubt they were talking about a lifelong relationship between to people when they wrote those lyrics.  You need more than that.  You need to want the same thing.  You need to have a "us verse the world" attitude.  In the words of my grandma, you need to have common interests and agree on the big things in life.  (She also threw in great sex, but in all honesty, that was not an issue)  When a relationship is lacking some of those factors-it is hard.  I have always heard that sometimes you have to walk away, but my idealistic nature believed John Lennon and Paul McCartney…..I wouldn't let walking away fly.  If there is love you can work through anything.  Right?  Until you aren't happy.  When you aren't happy, you lose direction.  If I don’t have direction and something that I am working towards, it perpetuates my unhappiness.  I debated faking happiness as long as I could….the stupid idea that I would sacrifice my happiness for the happiness of two others.  I think that would make me a worse person than leaving someone that I love.  I think that would have been a deep cut, one that would be harder for him to rebuild himself.  I would have been robbing him of a happy life and replacing it was a fake happy life.  That would be much worse than leaving him.  I believe that there is someone better for him.  I know he thinks that it's over because I think there is someone better out there for me.  And of course I have thought of that, but it has not been in the forefront, it is not the reason why I have left.  I believe he will find her.  He will fall in love so fast and he will not wait to commit himself to her for the rest of their lives, and he will make her happy.  He will spoil her like he did me, but he will spoil her with more than he was able to for me, because she will be more accepting of it.  She will be able to communicate, appreciate, and give him the affection that I couldn't give him.  He will have a happy life.  He will find his inner peace.  He will be happy.

I will be happy too.  I am happy.  I may find someone one day.  Someone that will love every part of my personality.  Someone who will love the positions I take in the world and who will have the same kind of drive that I have.  Someone who will match me and push me further.  Someone who will not be jealous of my past, or my present.  

I am happy that I had the chance to love him.  I think loving him has made me better.  Before him, I didn't know if I had the capacity to fully love someone.  It has made me aware of the barriers I still keep around my heart.  We all need to work on ourselves, to make ourselves better people.  He has made me aware of where I need to work to make sure that in my next relationship, I don't fall into the same patterns.

Here I am.  Just RP and I again.  We will survive.  He will survive.  We will all build resilience.  We will build character because we will have dealt and lived through something that, at one point in time, none of us could image.

Here's to moving forward.

Wednesday, September 11, 2013

Fine the way you are

Being a single parent is tough.  I think that is an understatement but it is just something you do.  You push through the hard times.  You develop a stiff upper lip.  You hold your head up through the decisions you make without a partner, good or bad.  You stick to your guns.  Add to that another layer, when you are a singe parent of child whose other parent isn't present.  Life gets a little tougher, but ask any single parent on any day how hard it is, and most won't complain. We single parent in stride and don't focus on it being hard.  We focus on getting it done.  But there are those days.  The days that feel impossible and the times that are gut wrenching.

On the way to soccer practice RP was explaining to me how cool it would be if Brandon Phillips and I got married.  After some chuckles and explaining how unlikely that is, he said.  "I'm just fine the way I am.  I don't need a dad."

My stomach hit the back of my throat.  He has said stuff like that before, but it will always hits hard.  The only thing I could say was that he is better than fine, he is amazing. 
He is right though.  He will be fine without his dad.  He will strive without his dad.  But he said "a dad."  He didn't even direct that statement about his dad.  He knows without truly knowing, that he is moving beyond the hope of his dad returning.  And now, it seems as though he is moving beyond the idea of even having a step dad.  While I don't want him to shut that idea out of his mind, I want him to know that he is right.  He will be fine just the way he is.

Wednesday, September 4, 2013

In dedication to my Grandpa

As many of you already know, my Grandpa Don passed away last Thursday.  His service was yesterday and it was a very lovely service.  My uncle Ron and I each prepared a little something in remembrance of him, and I have had a request to post my words.  While I spoke during the service, I had my brave and thoughtful son by my side.  His support helped me through and my support gave him the courage to muster up his own small dedication to his great grandpa.  His was short, sweet and to the point, "I miss my grandpa."

When I shared with my co workers and friends that my grandpa had passed, the first question they all asked was, "Was he sick?"  And the answer is "No, he was not sick.  It was unexpected."  The next question was, "How old was he?"  "Grandpa Don turned 91 in July."  The expression on the their face changed slightly as though because of his age it should have been a little expected, so without them even asking the next question, I answered, "You had to know him to understand that he may have been 91 but he wasn't that old."  He had faced death before and triumphed over it. 
11 years ago we had almost lost him, but he knew he wasn't ready to leave and fought through.  Grandpa Don still had a lot to check off his list.  He still had to become a great grandpa to 5 babies.  He also had to get to know all of them so he could torment and tease them appropriately.  He had to see all of his grandchildren graduate high school and move on toward obtaining or very closely obtaining a college degree.  He had to welcome his oldest two grandchildren back to the Midwest, while saying good bye to Lauren, Andy and Chris who moved away to start their own chapters in life.  He had to see my sister Jennifer, get married.  Grandpa had to help direct the box traffic while I moved into my new house.  He had to earn the title of "Best Grandpa in the World."  An honor bestowed upon him by my son Parker, because he knows how to fix everything.  Grandpa still had 11 years of memories to make with his wife.  For us, he would live through anything.  For us, he was going to outlive everyone.  For us, losing him at 91 was a huge shock.
The days since the phone call from my dad have been a different experience than before for me personally.  The tears and thoughts that I expected have not come and I wonder why.  I have concluded that, while my life will not be as complete without my grandpa, I know that his life was complete.  I am sure there was a final thought of wanting to tell grandma he loved her one more time.  I am sure he thought of his children, grandchildren and great grandchildren before his energy left his body.  But my Grandpa Don had an amazing life.  He created an amazing family.  He left a legacy behind him that will make his essence immortal.  Think about what we were each doing at the time he passed.  I was leading a Cub Scout meeting.  I was doing something that he would have been doing.  I was acting out a part of my personality that reflects a part of his.  My dad was traveling in Utah for motorcycle races.  My aunt Nancy was traveling to New York to see her son, Chris.  My sister Lauren was sailing and watching the sunset in the San Francisco Bay.  Jennifer had left work early to have an at home date with her husband.  Aunt Sally was running errands to help out her sister and her father.  We were all doing something that we can attribute back to grandpa.  We were all living out a piece of something he gave us.  His death is different for me because I believe he was ready.  I know he lived his life they way he wanted.  He turned every handshake in to a friendship and explored every corner of this earth.  He had an amazing wife/ partner/ best friend to travel with and to create a clan to be proud of.  I am sad that he is not here.  I am sad that I won't hear the sound of joyful surprise in his voice when I call-he always knew my voice.  I am sad that we don't get another Don Moyer repair or story.  But I am so grateful that I had the chance to have him around for 30 years.  I am grateful for all the parts of his personality and the values that he passed to me.  I am grateful that he had such a complete, loving and happy life; knowing that his life was fulfilled makes me able to accept his passing more than I have accepted those lost before him.  He had a full life before the last 11 bonus years and I think we did a good job of making these bonus years exciting for him.  I will miss you Grandpa- there is no doubt, but thank you for everything Moyer that you have given me.

 (Photos are credited to my family who posted them on Facebook and I stole them from their facebook pages....thanks family!)