My night with the Pres

So here we are at the end of another election.  There are only hours left now before the votes are all counted and we find out if President Barack Obama will continue forward or if his inertia will be halted by the Romney and Right wall.  I am glad that it is almost over.  This election has been especially tolling.  I once was surrounded by people who, although would not always agree with me, we were at least looking to a future in the same direction.  That is not the case in my life any longer.

I have never really felt like an outsider of thought when I am around other women.  All the women in my life, friends and family, have been very liberal in their thoughts.  Since I started my new job in the Spring, I have found my self surrounded by wonderful women but close to none of them share my same liberal attitude.  It is perplexing to me.  I have tried to understand where they have all come from to reach their political stances today.  Two of them used to own small business, so I can kinda get where their roots are, but the other ladies, I just scratch my head.  One of them has shared stories of her struggle as a woman in business and being a hippy in the 70's and struggling as a young working mom when that was not the norm, but she is so far on the right, that her back ground confuses me.  Another is very well education and down to earth that I can hear the teasing jokes about the right come from her, but she only has those jokes against the left.  I could go on about each woman that I work shoulder to shoulder with, but that isn't my point.  I am happy and enjoy working there almost everyday, but the days when politics are brought into the conversation are days that I feel like I am suffocating.  Being an outsider in political thought in a small office, and voicing that opposition is not a wise decision.  I am silencing my self and it is miserable.  (But I was also taught you don't talk about politics, money or religious at work)  The moments that I have spoken out sets a very uncomfortable mood and low talking from then on out.  Is it because I spoke against the status quo of the location?  Or has it absolutely nothing to do with anything I have presented?  I have no idea, but the feeling of tension chokes me.

When I leave that space on those rough political days, I want to vent about it.  I want an audience of commiseration.  I want to go off on a political rant and bad mouth that republican and bad mouth another and be ridiculous, sarcastic and over dramatic about what I have encountered during the day.  That is my stress release....slander.  I don't have that outlet available to me like I had daily in college and even at JJ.  It is an outlet that I took for granted.  I have a boyfriend who loves me and respects me and does not agree with me politically.  What I want to be a rant and commiseration from him turns into a respectful discussion on politics that I simply don't want to have.  It winds me up tighter and tighter because I have already dealt with that all day at work  And then I tend to shut down.

So I have been stressed out about this election more than any election previously.  The outcome of the next few hours is very scary to me.  I shudder to think of what the country will look like if the President is not re-elected.  But my purpose is not to preach or share all of those fears here. 

Sunday at 2:30 in the afternoon, RP and I took our position in line to see President Obama give one of his final speeches at one of his final rallies held at UC.  We stood in line.  Then RP found some kids to play with.  Then I started talking to the people (mostly women) around me in line.  There were two older women in front of me.  Both recalled rallies they had attended for Jimmy Carter.  I would say one was about my parents' age and the other a bit older.  In front of those two ladies were three UC students.  All three of them were voting for the first time today.  They all had such an energy about the rally and the importance of voting.  Behind me was an older white guy who eventually had his wife/girlfriend (?) show up to join him.  He had a really dry sense of humor and would have cracked a joke about 5 minutes before you realized what he had said.  Behind them were two 40ish black women and behind them, an entire black family.....and then a whole bunch more people.  We all talked, we commiserated, we laughed, we poked fun, we yelled at the Romney supporters that would drive by yelling at us, we all progressed through the line hoping that we would make it into the building.  When we passed the protesters of the rally from the right, we were shocked at how racist and mean their comments were.  We shared stories of our experiences together.  I got the relief from my election tension that I needed about two months ago and it was great.  I could have stayed in line for another 4 fours with those people around me talking about our ideals and how we want to move forward.  But all good things must come to an end and for the lucky ones, the end was getting to hear Stevie Wonder sing and Obama speak.

The vibe of the arena was amazing.  It was positive and up lifting.  There were families, college students, union workers, business people, mothers, fathers, older generations, white, black, Indian, Asian....it was a cross section of the American public all sitting in one giant room with the same purpose.  We all were looking in the same direction.  I am still getting goosebumps reflecting on the feeling and atmosphere of that room.  It was intense.  I am poorly describing it here.  I have never had such an experience before in my life and it was nothing less than amazing.  And then President Obama spoke.  I can only say that it was powerful.  There were two Romney hecklers in the crowd that were so disruptive, they were asked to leave.   I don't know why someone would wait so long in line just to be disrespectful and then get kicked out....I mean seriously, what's the point.

I know the picture I have posted is not the best and I had intended to post a few more, but they don't my memory justice.  My phone had died and apparently you can not zoom so well on an iPad for pictures.  I will never forget going on Sunday.  It is an experience the RP and I will share together forever.  No matter what side of the aisle he falls on when he is an adult and voting, he will always have the memory of the time his mom took him to see the President. 

A New Name

It's close upon us......the end is near........hold on to your loved ones because the other side of the hill is fast approaching.....that's right.......in one month I will be........30!!!!!!!!  Run fast and away from this travesty!!!!

30.....jeeze, when did I get so old?  Well, I mean, in a month, when did I get so old?  I'm not really fearful of it, but it does stop to make me think and reflect.  Like, 20 years ago.....I made the biggest deal out of turning The Big 1-0.  Seriously, ask anyone in my family....I made a BIG deal out of it.  It was just 10 though.  I mean, yea it's pretty important when you finally reach the double digits, but I went a little overboard.  Ten years ago, when I turned 20.....I honestly don't really remember what I did.  Shockingly though, I do remember my 21st birthday because my best friends threw me a Blue's Clues themed birthday.  It was great.  I got my own Handy Dandy Notebook and all.....wait maybe that was my 20th birthday.....crap!  I'm getting so old I can't even remember ten years ago!

I never really thought of turning 30 so I don't know that I am upset with where I am in life....I would like to have a little more student loan debt paid off by now and it would be nice to not have the pay check to pay check kind of life style, but then again....I had my son at 22, graduated college at 24 and worked at the same restaurant from 20 to 29 and then started a new career at 29.  I can't expect a money making miracle to come out of the past ten years.....especially with the way that RP eats.  I'm surprised we have money left for clothes! 

This is totally lame, but my biggest problem with turning 30 is the fact that I will have to change my blog sub title......A Day in the Life: The View from a Sarcastic, In a Relationship but Not Married 30ish Mom......that just doesn't sound as appealing, what do you think?

*Warning* This is a rant. Please do not adjust your screen, this is only a rant

Tonight is the second Presidential Debate......I should really watch that.  I know I should, even though it really is a dance and pony show, I should be more informed to it.  I still have to watch the first one.  And I'm going to....I swear.  I know that my life will be affected if either of them are elected but trying to figure out how to keep my son from acting up in school seems more important to me at this moment.  I don't know what to do anymore.

Last week he told me that an older girl in the morning Y program was being mean to him.  Although I have spoken to the lady in charge on site, the director of the program still has not called me back (I left the first voicemail for her on Friday).  So while this is in progress of resolution, his teacher also emails me on Friday that he has teased the same new kid in his class more than once.......not a great email to read on your lunch break, kind of is distracting for the rest of the day.  After school we sit down and hash it out.  He is angry for being teased and teased another kid.  He is angry because he doesn't feel like he can tell the grown ups at his school to take care of any one teasing him.  He is angry.  Naming feelings and relating them to his behavior is something that he struggles to do.  But, he is angry.  I don't blame him.  My method of managing the situation was what I was taught.  You walk away and if that doesn't work, you tell a grown up.  What the hell was I thinking?!  He can't advocate for himself!  He is 7 for fuck's sake!!!  And now he is acting out his anger instead of naming it.  So now I am angry....at my self.

Although he doesn't believe it, he is lucky to have the teacher he does.  She cares about him.  She looks out for him.  She communicates with me about his behavior when it's needed.  Yesterday she responded to my very long winded email from the Friday night hash out.  She gave some great advice and told me that RP was making a very real effort to befriend the boy he had teased.

Then today, the more typical email from her.....RP has disrupted lesson.....again.  He was making silly faces at other child to make them laugh.  As previously written about, this acting out has become quite normal for RP.  He saw a counselor last year to help develop his self control and he has started the same counseling program this year.  Him getting in trouble for goofing off is so irritating!  It isn't that bad, I mean, it's not like he is punching other kids or destroying property, but he is still impeding on the education of others around him. 

We have a sticker on the calender system in our house.  He gets solid face stickers for having a good day at school and glitter face stickers for having a good evening and bedtime.  He is allowed to "cash" in x amount of solid face stickers for a prize from the pumpkin bucket and the same for the glitter face stickers or he is allowed to save them throughout the month and get one big prize.  Then we start over the next month.  It's been working pretty well.  He tells me when I pick him up from school if he deserves a solid face sticker for that day.  Even when I haven't received an email about behavior, he will fess up to having a verbal warning once that day and he understands, that means no sticker.  He also knows that when he doesn't get a sticker for the school day that it means he has an evening privelage taken away.  He is aware of the consequences at home but it doesn't prevent anything!  It is so frustrating!!!!!  Why won't it click for him yet!  His teacher is very understanding and caring, and I count my lucky starts that he is in montessori where he will have her until the end of third grade, but just because she is patient and works with him doesn't mean that his future teacher will be so willing.

The Pretty Blue Box

I have this earring box.  It is blue and it is pretty.  I got the earring box about 18 months ago.  Inside lived my beautiful diamond earrings that are a signature of my everyday life.  So this pretty blue box has had no purpose in life since the diamond earrings have become a fixture in my ears. 

Last Thursday night, RP and I are brushing our teeth.  He reaches up in the cabinet to put his toothbrush away and notices the pretty blue earring box.  Mind you, this box has been in the cabinet, next to our tooth brush cup for quite some time.  He has always liked it, but has never really asked me about it until Thursday.  Of course he asks if he can have it.  I explain to him that no, he can not because if I ever need a place to put my earrings, they need their box.  And of course he asked why I can't use a different box.  I tell him that I don't have a different box because the diamond earrings are the only earrings that I have.  Again, that is not satisfactory for him and he asks again if he can have the box.  Trying to change the course of the conversation, I ask him why he wants my earring box.  *Looking back at the convseration I really wish there was something hilarious to insert here, but there is not.* He did have a real reason, just that he wants it.  So again, I told him no and to move the conversation along to completion, I told him that maybe one day if I ever have another pair of earrings and an earring box, I would consider giving the pretty blue one to him.

So the weekend moves on....we camp out in the cold cold wet wet rain on Friday.  Do Cub Scout stuf related to the camping out on Saturday morning.  Go to Dayton, I come back to Cincy solo because MR and I had a beautiful wedding to attend were I may have had one too many Vodka and Cranberry.  Sunday we each lunch with my long-lost-only-in-Cincinnati-for-one-day Mandy and her boyfriend *who I think is great*.  Try to get my new iPhone 5 *which failed* and take a nap and then head to Cub Scouts where RP is being dropped off by my father.

Naturally they are late.  What is odd though is that my father and step mother stay for the meeting....weird.  So after the meeting we are saying our good byes in the parking lot, and suddenly Parker holds a pretty gold box with a ribbon tied around it up to me.  My dad said something about this being my birthday present and quickly RP and my step mom correct him.  According to RP, it isn't a birthday present, it is just a regular present.  So I open it, and inside are these.....

Because I am who I am and I think the way that I think, my first reaction was, he got me a pair of earrings so he could get the pretty blue box!!!!!  Then my second reaction was, that is so sweet that my little boy wanted to get me a pair of earrings so that he could have the pretty blue box.  My third reaction was pretty much the same, but regardless of all that, I was very surprised and touched that my son voiced something that he wanted to do and made it happen.

So Monday morning comes along and one of the first things out of RP's mouth is asking if I am going to wear my new earrings.  I did, and man oh man are they heavy!  Not used to anything but my studs!  When I told him they were heavy he looked at me an apologized!!!  He thought that meant that I didn't like them, I reminded him that I love them and that I would just have to get used to them.  He smiles and we leave.

Monday, MR picked him up from school and I went there to get RP for soccer practice.  The first thing he said to me was, "you actually wore them all day!  Well, I guess you got used to them huh?  *chuckles* At least half way used to them at least."  *It is funnier if you could hear him and the way he talks*  Then, while we were on our way to soccer, he says, "Mom, I didn't buy you the earrings just so that I could have the blue box.  After we talked about your earrings I thought, I should really get my mom some jewelry!"

He is growing so quickly and to the point where he is very thoughtful about what he does for his family, whether it be gifts or words or actions.  Although I do not know if I would have chosen the same earrings that he got me, they are amazing to me.  They represent a change in his development and a step in his growth.  I love being the parent of a seven year old.  I know that I have felt this at every age he has been, but it just seems to get better and better even though it is getting harder too.  It seems like in the past week, even the way he is approaching his homework and reading is different.  Almost like things are clicking for him and he is enjoying school work more.....maybe I just think about him and his developmental steps too much.......naaahhhhh, that can't be it!!  *haha!*

Like my outfit?

Last year at this time, Parker had just joined Cub Scouts and I was debating about becoming the Den Leader.  It was a hard decision but I ended up be a pretty badass assistant.  It was fun and eventually through the year I was asked to become the Committee Chair for the entire Pack.  It wasn't until I started my new job that I said yes.  It was a hard decision.  I had just left a job that required 60 hour work weeks to go to a normal 40 hours and now I was facing volunteering a lot of my new found free/RP/mr time to running a Cub Scout Pack.  I am so happy that I said yes.

Sometimes I laugh at my self because of how into Cub Scout I have become.  There are so many things that have happened in Boy Scouts of American that I completely disagree with and completely do not support, like gay and lesbian parents getting pushed out of the organization because of who they are.  I hate that.  It is interesting to me that the Pack are all run out of churches here, and maybe it is a difference between the Girl Scouts that I grew up with compared to Cub Scouts, but ours were out of our school.  I had no idea that Girl Scouts and Cub Scouts was so Christian until I was older in my teens.  But, there are so many benefits for RP.  While RP is has a lot of athletic skill, he is not as aggressive as other kids his age at sports.  It is discouraging for him.  He excels at everything he has learned in Cub Scouts and finds such value in what he has learned.

I am such a nerd about this Pack we are apart of.  Over the summer, we had a meeting at the Winton Woods parcourse for the boys to achieve their Physical Fitness beltloop.  During the course, there was a very tall set of monkey bars.  Some of the boys could do it and others needed their parental help.  But there was this one boy there.  He parents had dropped him off so he did not have his dad or mom there like the other boys did.  He was determined to conquer these monkey bars because he had never gone all the way across.  Watching him achieve something that he had never done before and seeing the pride on his face was a moment that I will never forget.  He was shocked when he finished.  He stood there, looked at me and said, "I have never been able to go all the way across before and I just did it!"  His excitement was contagious and I couldn't help but jump up and down and cheer for him.  It was so profound to watch this boy take a step forward in his ability and confidence.  I asked if I could be there with him when he told his mom.  I couldn't help but want to share that experience as well.

Just seeing the skills and confidence that RP is gaining through the things he does in this organization is intense.  I know I wrote about it over the summer, but he did a resident camp at Cub World.  Three days and two nights away from home and without knowing a single person.  While he was there, he learned different skills, like shooting a BB gun, archery, fishing, swimming, and so on and so on....but he learned to be a little more self reliant.  He learned he can be away from home and from me with out worry.  I still smile with pride when I think of how he was so brave to do that camp before he turned 7.

It is hard for me to not be involved with the things that RP is involved in.  I don't want to miss a moment like the other little boys parents missed.  I want to be part of the development, especially because I can not be apart his everyday school life.  So this Pack has become my third job, it has my dedication and my passion.  I want it to become stronger.  I want it to thrive and be a group that the community looks at and knows that those boys are learning about how to treat their family, community and planet with respect.

I never really pictured myself as being a person who could give up my time to volunteer with any group.  I know that it is selfish to think that way, but I have never volunteered nor had that desire.  I can't think of not volunteering now.  Even when RP is beyond Cub Scouts and/or Boy Scouts, I think that I will always have to spend some time volunteering with a group or organization.  It is so beneficial and can make a difference.  I am sorry it took me so long to see that, but I am so happy that I have found it.

****if you want to buy popcorn and support RP.....just let me know in a comment or something ;)****

It's hard to admit, but I screwed up this summer.  I have tried to not screw anything up for so long, my lapse in responsibility is stilling making me kick my ass everyday.  I hurt someone that I love dearly.  The inertia of our relationship has slowed dramatically and I can only blame myself.  I have legitimized my actions, but at the end of the day, there is no good reason for them.  While I believe that my partner is moving past the pain, I can not.  Whenever we have a fight, I feel like it is always going to go back to my irresponsibility, although it doesn't.  When we are on top of the world, my joy is always cut short because I hurt him and I wonder why he has decided to forgive me and if I would do that same if the tables were turned. 

I have no intention of claiming perfection, but I have made strides to not screw anything up in a long time.  I have my up and downs, but when it comes to big things, like working hard at a job, at mothering, and in my relationship, I put forth my all and do what I can to not make a mistake.  And I did.  I can't stand that I did. 

I wonder if I will ever get the hang of being in a relationship.  I don't think I am very good at it although I want to be and I try to be.  I know that it is him that makes me want this.  I haven't met anyone who has made me want to work so hard for a future together.  I have never had anyone who wants to work so hard with me to make a future together.  While it's unrealistic to state that there are no bad things, the good so grossly out weigh them, they seem insignificant.

Now all I want is to move forward at a sprinter's pace.  I want to move to the next step.  But I have halted the speed.  If we never get to the next step, will it be because he can't get past this?  He believes he can right now, but that can change.  The idea of not having him tears my heart out of my chest.  Regardless of knowing I can support myself and RP, knowing that I can take care of myself, now that I know this love, I don't want to be without a partner. 

"28 Rule for Fathers"

No I did not write this list.  No I am not trying to take credit for it either.  I follow a blog, Single Dan Laughing, which where I stumbled upon the "rules."  It is always interesting to me when I find a list like this for fathers to follow.  Automatically I wonder why men have to have a parenting "reminder" list of the things to do and not to do.  I know that historically and traditionally, mens roles as father meant provisions and discipline, not hugs and conversations.  So I get the list, I understand it's purpose to move men away from thinking their only role in parenting is to pay for shit and yell about other shit.  So I get it, but my feminist side kicks in and knows that if there was a "reminder" list for women as to how to mother, the author of that list would be crucified.

College taught me well, I read everything from a feminist stance first.  So now that I have gotten is snip-it of those feelings out of the way, I must say that these kinds of lists pull and me heart strings in a hardcore way.  I can't help but fit RP and I into that kind of equation.  These lists are a reminder of the things I can not do for him no matter how hard I try to be his mother and his father.  Reading this made me wonder if he will every feel that security of holding a father's hand, or having the bear hug, or seeing a "Dad Superhero" everyday.  We are so removed from his father that, if there is ever a relationship between the two of them again, it will not be for a long time.  By that time, RP's childhood will be a memory.  I know that RP has very strong, positive and important male role models in his life, but it would be a dream for him to read this list as an adult and have one man, a father, who he thanks for following "The Rules."


28 Rules for Fathers of Sons
1. Love his Mother. He will learn to love like you love, and hate like you hate. So choose love for both of you. Devote yourself to it. Love with your whole heart and express that love each and every day. Then, someday down the road, you will see the way he loves his own wife, and know that you played a part in that.
2. Let him drive. Every child remembers the first time they drove on daddy’s lap. For that one moment, he will believe that he is just. like. you. 
3. Teach him to be picky. Especially when it comes to women and burgers. Teach him to never settle.
4. Take him to a ball game. There is something about sharing a day of hot dogs, sunshine and baseball with your father.
5. Love with Bravery. Boys have this preconceived notion that they have to be tough. When he is young, he will express his love fully and innocently. As he grows, he will hide his feelings and wipe off kisses. Teach him to be a man who rubs them in instead. It takes courage for a man to show love: teach him to be courageous.
6. Talk about sex. Sometimes, boys need to know that all men are created equal.
7. Teach him to be a man’s man. Show him how to be brave and tough around the guys. Then, remind him on the ride home that it is okay to cry.
8. Share secrets together. Communicate. Talk. Talk about anything. Let him tell you about girls, friends, school. Listen. Ask questions. Share dreams, hopes, concerns. He is not only your son, you are not only his father. Be his friend too.
9. Teach him manners. Because sometimes you have to be his father, not just his friend. The world is a happier place when made up of polite words and smiles.
10. Teach him when to stand-up and when to walk away. He should know that he doesn’t have to throw punches to prove he is right. He may not always be right. Make sure he knows how to demand respect- he is worthy of it. It does not mean he has to fight back with fists or words, because sometimes you say more with silence.
11. Teach him to choose his battles. Make sure he knows which battles are worth fighting- like for family or his favorite baseball team. Remind him that people can be mean and nasty because of jealousy, or other personal reasons. Help him to understand when to shut his mouth and walk-away. Teach him to be the bigger better person.
12. Let him dance in tighty whiteys. Dance alongside him in yours. Teach him that there are moments when it is okay to be absolutely ridiculous.

13. Share music. Introduce him to the classics and learn the words to the not-so-classics. Create a rock band with wooden instruments, share your earphones, and blast Pink Floyd in the car. Create a soundtrack to your lives together.
14. Let him win. Sometimes he needs to know that big things are possible.
15. Teach him about family. Let him know family is always worth fighting for. Family is always worth standing up for. At the end of the day, he has you to fall back on, and pray to God that you will have him.
16. Father him. Being a father—to him—is undoubtedly one of your greatest accomplishments. Share with him the joys of fatherhood, so one day he will want to be a father too. Remind him over and over again with words and kisses that no one will ever love him like you love him.
17. Listen to him now. If you don’t listen to the little things now, he won’t share the big things later.
18. Let him try on your shoes. Even if they are old and smelly. Let him slip his little feet in and watch him as he hopes like hell that someday he can fill them. He will fill them.

19. Give him bear hugs. The kind that squeezes his insides and make him giggle. The kind of hug only a daddy can give.
20. Give him baths. Because Mom can’t do everything damnit.
21. Teach him how to pee standing up. Let him pee outside- such is the joy of being a man. Mom cannot teach this talent, so someone has to.
22. Know the answers. He will assume you do. If you don’t know them, pretend you do and look them up later.
23. Toss him around. Because little boys love seeing the strength of their father. Throw him up in the air, so that he knows you will always be there to catch him on his way down.
24. Ask his mother. He will come to you with questions that he won’t always want to ask his mother, about girls and about love. Ask her anyway, she will know the answers.
25. Love him like you would love a daughter. Little girls are not the only ones who need hugs and kisses. Love is the color yellow of emotions. It is both happy and gender neutral.
26. Grow a big belly. Because every child should get the chance to rest their head on the absolute softest pillow ever. Daddy’s belly is the best place to land.
27. Don’t say, do. American inventor Charles F. Kettering once said, “every father should remember that one day his son will follow his example instead of his advice.” Be a good one.
28. Be his hero. You are anyway. To him, you have the strength of Batman, the speed of Spiderman and the brain of Ironman. Don’t disappointment. Prove to him that Daddy’s are the biggest heroes of all. Only Daddy’s can save the day. 
After all, good fathers make good sons.
Sarah D. ~Diapers & Daisies

Copied here from Single Dan Laughing

***Side note, I truly to not agree with #28.  I think that "Rule" diminishes how important mothering is and excludes single moms from being able to step up to the Superhero plate.  I know I am my son's hero.***