Sunday, April 29, 2012

The Legacy of Divorce

Last night we watched Mrs. Doubtfire.  It is a movie I have seen time and time again.  It is often one of the Saturday afternoon movies playing on some random cable channel.  While we were flipping through the Netflix selection, we had it narrowed down to Mrs. Doubtfire and Ghostbusters.  Parker picked that "not a ghost movie," so Robin Williams dressing as an old lady it was!  I love this movie, I always have so I wasn't worried about sitting with Parker and mr watching it after a busy afternoon.  Towards the end of the movie Parker fell asleep so mr and I were chatting more than watching.  The ending monologue, spoken by Mrs. Doubtfire on her show came on.  I remembered then why I typical skip the end of this movie....that monologue makes me cry.
"Dear Mrs Doubtfiire - Two months ago my mom and dad decided to separate." "Now they live in different houses." "My brother Andrew says that we aren't a real family any more. Is this true?" "Did I lose my family?" "Is there anything I could do to get my parents back together?" "Sincerely, Katie McCormick."

Oh, my dear Katie. You know, some parents get along much better when they don't live together. They don't fight all the time and they can become better people. Much better mommies and daddies for you. And sometimes they get back together. And sometimes they don't, dear. And if they don't, don't blame yourself. Just because they don't love each other doesn't mean that they don't love you. There are all sorts of different families, Katie. Some families have one mommy, some families have one daddy, or two families. Some children live with their uncle or aunt. Some live with their grandparents, and some children live with foster parents. Some live in separate homes and neighborhoods in different areas of the country. They may not see each other for days, weeks, months or even years at a time. But if there's love, dear, those are the ties that bind. And you'll have a family in your heart for ever. All my love to you, poppet. You're going to be all right. Bye-bye. 

It is rare that I think about my parent's divorce. Obviously there are times that I talk about it with other people who have had similar situations or if I need to clarify who exactly Pat and Lilia are in my life. But actually thinking about my life before their divorce, during and after.....I don't think about it. There isn't really a reason to. That last part of the movie though, it hit a part of me that I have buried. It took me back to a time that I watched that at my mom's house shortly after they split up. I can't trust my memory 100% but I think she rented it without fully knowing what it was about, but needless to say, it was a cry-fest.

 Last night it was as though I was 13 again. It was painful. mr asked me something about my parent's spliting up, whether it was my mom or my dad. With the emotion that I was feeling from relating to that final quote and him asking my specifics about it, I transformed further into the memory of new pain. I know there are so many instances that went into the reason of my parent's divorce but I don't honestly know who finally said, this is it. I hope/feel/believe that they tried to reconcile. I don't really ever want to know a truth that is different from them trying their absolute hardest to stay married. There was counseling. For them. For us. For each of my sisters and I. Yes, I need to think/hope/believe that they did try their hardest. It is impossible to believe that it was an "easy" decision for either of them. It had been 23 years. While talking to mr about it, he mentioned that he could never see each of my parents being a couple. I get what he means. How could he picture it? When a relationship ends and each individual grows and moves on without the other person, no one can ever imagine those individuals made a couple-ever. When he said that, internally I was defensive. But then it was hard for me to remember too.

If squeeze my eyes tight, I can picture a kiss that I witnessed on New Year's Eve at my cousin's wedding. It was the first kiss that I witnessed and remember with passion behind it. I remember hearing the mailbox open and close on the front of the house right before my dad put his key in the door after a day of work.  They would go to their room for about a half hour and preferred to have their time together.  I remember being in the camper in Florida and my dad jumping in the door scaring the shit out of my mom, she smacked him hard in the arm for that. It is hard to think of the memories I have of them being a couple and not just my parents. I realize now, that is what makes me cry. I have done a very good job at burying my emotions that I still have from being a child who lives with divorced parents. I am good at burying emotions. I am good at looking beyond them. I probably developed this skill when I was a teenager and perfected in my mid-twenties. But right now, it is fresh again. I saw my sister today and when I told her about my tears last night, she didn't seem surprised that it made me sad or that I cried. I wanted to fall into her arms and bawl.  I also wonder how it affects her.  How it affects Lauren.  I know Lauren doesn't remember very much if anything before they separated.  She was turning 10, I wonder if she has any memories of them as a couple at all.  Jen was 16 when they separated.  I know she knew more about what was happening at the time than Lauren and I.  I have never asked either of them how it made them feel.  I guess that I have always assumed it felt the same for all of us but it couldn't have.  I wonder if they cry about it sometimes too.  It isn't a taboo conversation, but honestly, who would want to talk about it when we see each other a little as we do?

As much as I can act as though it no longer affects me, it obviously does. My life changed dramatically when I was almost 13 and no matter what, it will never be the way it was before. My few and distant memories will go even further away until I can no longer remember any example of my parents as a couple. As the five of us intact.

Thursday, April 26, 2012

What I Wore 2 weeks in a row!

 This week I am proud to say that I did not need my older sister to tell me what to wear each day!  Points for Allyson because I did a good job on my own.  Don't worry, the one with jeans is for casual Friday....I'm not a bum :)  And also, I wore my python heels for the second time today!  Woot! 

I know I am late on this post, maybe Melaina will be nice enough to let me post it anyway.

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

What I Wore

This is my first "What I Wore" post.  I am not very fashionable so this may very well be my last "What I Wore Post."

As you know from reading recently, there has been a huge life change over here.  I have walked into the darkness of another job and am trying to find the cord to the light bulb everyday.  I will find it eventually, it will all make sense eventually and their dreams of me becoming VP will happen.......eventually.  Three days in and I am confident that I am doing better than first hire expectations BUT that really doesn't mean much right now, it has only been 3 days, the very complicated and hard stuff is yet to come.  But any who, I don't really know what to write here.  I guess I could tell you about the picture above.  This is what I wore last week.  This was taken on my last day.  It is the JJ team looking "tough" (yes, that is my tough really scares off bad guys).  There is Derek, Pete, Quinn and Greg in there...they do a much better job than me.  So yes, that is what I wore last week as well and 90% of the past 9 years.  As you can guess, I dress a little bit differently now.  They were not fond of the idea of me still wearing a JJ uniform in an office.

So this is what I wore on my first day this past Monday (the picture is not that good at all, don't judge.  And yes, my hair is that big, and yes I did pull it back because i couldn't fit at my desk it was so huge).  A small difference in appearance right?  And it's completely shocking that I feel older in office clothes too right?  Ha!  When I was trying outfits on Sunday evening I looked in the mirror and was surprised at how old I look.  I said that out loud and Parker came up beside me, looked at me in the mirror, and said, "Well, that is what happens Mom, people just get older."  And then went back to his toys.  And people say that I am too truthful about the cruel world to him! 

I will share yet another bad picture of what I wore today.  Parker took this one so we can all blame him for me looking bad....right?!

Dammit, I just realize both pictures have the same jacket in them.  I didn't really wear the jacket at all today so just close your eyes and imagine this one jacketless.

So that is all I have to share.  Melaina made me do this.  She twisted my arm all the way from Scotland.....oh my, peer pressure at it's best ;)

Sunday, April 15, 2012

My Last Day part 2

It's over.  Completely done.  I didn't cry.  It was easier than I thought it would be.  We were busy, which definitely helped.  I thought that it would be like a final feeling, like a break up.  Like it will have never existed in my life.  Eventually it will be more like that, like how college memories are or how I look back at high school....sometimes the memories seem like they are just stories I was told.  Eventually this chapter of my life will be like that but right now it feels like the land of limbo.  I hated saying good bye to everyone.  Most of them, if not all, I will never talk to again, even the ones that I have known forever.  I got an email from one of the women in the office wishing me well and thanking me for making her job easier.  That was nice.  It was really nice and I know that it takes a lot to say that to a person leaving a company.  My superior, who I have known for 9 years, had a blunt farewell.  It was his everyday "see ya."  It was surprising yet expected at the same time.  The entire week I couldn't picture how saying good bye to him would be.  If I was going to cry saying bye to anyone, it would have been to him.  But keeping it in the realm of normalcy made it very unemotional, which I thank him for doing.

It was hard to not call the store when I first woke up Saturday and today.  I kept thinking about checking in Friday night and last night.  Wondering if a truck is needed for tomorrow, wondering if my produce order came at a decent time Saturday morning, wondering how the rain affected business yesterday and how the beautiful sun affected business today, wondering if everyone showed up on time and for the correct on and so forth.  I think about that store way more than I knew I did.

So here it is, the night before my first day.  I have outfits picked out for the entire week.  Going over that with Jen was a really good idea but it also shows that all the new clothes I got yesterday will not go as far as I thought they would.  I am wearing these things every day now, not intermittently.  That is a big difference.  I feel like I have nothing still even though I have 100% more than I did the day before.  I even bought a new purse, bracelets, and a necklace.....I know, it's crazy.  Allyson is finally girlie.  No more t-shirts and jeans.  Speaking of which, I have a shit ton of JJ shirts now.  In fact, an entire drawer full, including a visor......what should I do with them?  You think anyone would buy them on Ebay?  I don't even know if St. Vincent De Paul would sell them.......

Thursday, April 12, 2012

My Last Day Part 1

Tomorrow is my last day at Jimmy John's.  I feel like I am thinking about this too much or making it a bigger deal than it should be.  But then I remember how much I hate change.  I know it happens, it's inevitable, it would be boring if change wasn't around, but for this girl, it's the worst.  And because I don't like change, I over think about the change that is about to happen.  I worry about the things that I can not control.  I talk about it obsessively because I really do not want those things to change that dramatically.  Like this change, for my "I hate change" world, I would go on to this new and (I'm sure to be) amazing job while still being part of Jimmy John's.  You know, as a consultant or something uber important like that, sharing my pearls of wisdom and experience without actually having to work there.  That way, I could move on for what is better for me but still be a part of what I fell in love with nine years ago.  It's egotistical to think that I was that important to the company that they would still want my advice after I leave, but it's my dream world right?

Today I said good bye to a few people that I will not see again.  My favorite PIC, Staci, came in for her paycheck today.  I haven't seen her since her last day about 3 weeks ago.  She gave me the biggest hug ever.  I love that girl.  It's been tough not having her there for the past three weeks.  Seeing her made me so happy at the end of a slow day.  Then my other favorite PIC, Jessica, was leaving.  I won't see her tomorrow.  Hugs were given.  I didn't cry but I felt really sad when she walked away.  I hate knowing that eventually they will just be girls that worked their butts off for me.  That I won't know how they did in the rest of college or if they stay in Cincinnati.  I  mean, there is always facebook, but that's not the same as real life and the present.

Tomorrow will be harder good-byes.

Friday, April 6, 2012

2 Weeks

I have put in my 2 weeks notice to Jimmy John's.  I know.  I know!  I know.......all those things that you are thinking, I know.  It is exciting..  It is scary.  It is big.  It is sad.  It is something that I have never really prepared myself for....I mean, I have been working there for 9 years.  Jimmy John's has covered a lot of changes in my life.  I was there when I first became financially independent of my parents.  It paid my college tuition.  I was there when I turned 21.  I was there when I found out that I was pregnant.  It was the first place, besides home, that I took Parker.  It was there when I needed a job after moving to my mom's.  I was there when I went through the biggest relationship break up of my life.  I was there when I graduated from college.  I was able to move back to Cincinnati because of JJ.  Parker has taken numbers of naps there, helped me set up the lines, put wheat bread in the proofer, helped me clean, greet customers..........I can go on and on and on about how my life has been consumed by JJ for 9 years.  9 years!!!!!  That is so long! 

Telling my superior that I had been offered a job some where else felt like I was breaking up with a significant other.  It was hard.  It is hard everyday.  I realize all the things and people that I will miss.  The staff that I have grown, the relationships that only revolve around us all working together....I will miss them all so much.  I really truly like all of my staff.  They are good people and I like to know that things in their lives are going well and very soon, I will no longer hear those updates or will be asked for my advice about something that is happening.  That makes me sad.  That makes me question my decision.  I know JJ so well, I love JJ so much, I wish that I could always be a part of it.  Some one said to me that it must be nice to know that I don't have to care anymore while I am at work.  Fortunately or unfortunately I do care, I care more about things going correctly now because soon I will not have a say.  I want everyone to be perfect and represent my hard work correctly.

I have six shifts before I turn in my key.  My key change will be so light.  I have known exactly what to expect each week of work.  I know what to expect this week, but after that, I have no idea what will lie ahead.  Well, okay, I do know some things.  Ok, one very big and important thing that lays a head.  Parker will not be waking up before 6:30 am.  And he will not be going to work with me everyday.  This makes me so happy.  I know that each of his days will be a little better starting in a week.. Mine will be better too.....I think though, it will take me longer to adjust.

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

A Week of Sundays

*this entry involves a lot of pictures*

Last week was Parker's spring break and I was lucky enough to get my vacation approved for the same week.  It was rather uneventful compared to last year's trip to Galitnburg, which is one of my top 5 favorite trips ever, but it was really nice.  He had a field trip on Saturday and of course I found my self at a loss with 3 hours to i cleaned.  And what started as an easy task of filing papers and straightening my room quickly turned into cleaning out my closet.  But now I can fit a my laundry basket in side my closet!!!!!  I have never done that before!  I feel like I made the discovery of convenience by putting it there.  I mean, it seriously looks good in there. 
And most of my top shelf is completely empty.  Isn't it great how I when I had time to actually to my self, no other commitments to anyone, that I spend that time cleaning out my closet....I still feel lame.  Later though, the real excitement happened, we cleaned Parker's room.  Whoa!  (You are totally checking out my shoes aren't you...yes those are amazing blue peep toe below my pink pumps)

It's not like the entire week was that way.  There was some fun had by all.  mr took me to dinner and to see The Hunger Games that Sunday.  It was a really nice night together.  It isn't often that we get a date night, so it was beautiful to have that time together, just us.  And the best part of the entire night-he liked a movie that I picked out!!!!  Sound the trumpets!  Bang the drums!  This is a first folks!!!  We have very little movie compatibility so The Hunger Games is definitely going down as a must buy when it is out so that when all else fails, we know we will both like what we watch.

 On Tuesday my mom and Jen came to visit and we finally framed some art that I have had under my bed for 3 years.  And on top of that, the two of them decided where it should all hang!  It's up to me though to get most of it on the walls.....but I have done a good job so far.  It is nice to look around and see the beautiful Monet prints or the art by Lauren or the print of my favorite fountain all on the walls.  Parker even got his Monet up on his wall.  There is nothing better that hearing him say, "I love Claude Monet."  He really showed a lot of interest when we went to the art museum to see the Monet exhibit.  It warms my soul that he likes my favorite.

<--By Lauren Moyer
 <--In Parker's room, his favorite at the exhibit were the ones with the bridge.
 <---my favorite fountain.  This was a photo that was copied on to a canvas.  It is from roughly 1945.  There is a marquee on the left side of the picture from a theater that was torn down in 1977 to build The Weston.  It was called the Ablee Theater.  I wish it was still there.
 <---This is by Jennifer (Moyer) Leopold, my bedroom now has a tree theme and I love it :)
 <---my Poplars

 <---my Parker

Every morning, I woke up it felt relaxing like a Sunday morning.  I loved that feeling.  When we went on our bike ride on Wednesday, Parker was riding and repeating "Ah, this is the life Mom.  This is the life."  While hysterical, his comment made me think of what that really meant to him.  He was doing one of his favorite activities with me.  It was warm and beautiful that day. We rode almost 5 miles (which I felt all of the next day) and ended at the play ground.  There were no other kids there that early but Parker still ran around like crazy and made me watch every Monkey Bar accomplishment.  It really was the life.
                                          I love Winton Woods.

Whenever I have a chunk of time spent at home, it always makes me wonder what it is like on the other side of the fence.  But now that Parker is older, I realize that I have missed out on that opportunity to be a stay at home mom.  I mean, it would still be amazing to pick Parker up everyday at 3:45 instead of having him go to the after school program.  My house would be immaculate but apparently I really like to clean when I have time to myself.  But what else would I do?  Oh, yes, I forgot!  I fell in love again with that it what else I would do!
I made all those little paper animals and now I don't know what to do with them.  The frogs are pretty cool, they jump.

Regardless of whether I have missed out on the other side of the fence or not, last week was great.  There was no real planning involved with my vacation.  No extra cost spent (well, except the origami paper).  I had time to see my family, time alone with my mr and much need full attention and quality time with my son.  I could totally take a vacation like that about once a month.

I forgot....we also built this race car.  Pretty damn crafty if you ask me!