Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Eff You 2009

Life is crazy. A couple months ago it was awesome, smooth, fun. Now
it is like a vortex sucking out all of my energy to be awesome, smooth
and fun. I feel stuck, restrained, able to see the furture but unable
to read the map leading the way. I know that this is just part of the
cycle of life, everyone has ups and downs, and normally in my life the
bad things happen in bundles, but this round is really hitting me hard
and fast! And in all honesty, 2009 has pretty much blown! Eff you

(sidenote to those I could potentially offend, there are many good
things that have happened as well. Nikki, Zack and Quinn are three.
Ryan and Colin's expected bebe. Aurora and Matt's expected baby.
Surviving a drive across the country in a two door Civic with Mandy
and two cats. My mom finding a salary job again. Pat being cancer
free. Jen and Eric buying a new house. Miss Macy Leopold's birth,
seriously a miracle. And a bunch of other good stuff that this cloud
is preventing me to see.)

But I'm sticking to my guns! Eff you 2009!

*I think that was an entire psychology session in two paragraphs! Or
I'm crazy...*

Friday, September 25, 2009


Yesterday Issac gave his two week's notice.  I am really sad.  We get along well, confide in each other, trust each other and are weird together.  I have the most fun when he is working eventhough he is highly irritating.  I am going to miss him and we are close enough that we should be able to hang out outside work, but I know that won't happen.  I don't want him to go but I know that is part of business, you meet some great people that are only in your life for a short amount of time.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009


I totally have feelings for someone that I know I shouldn't and I know
that nothing will come out of it reguardless of the fact that they may
be treating me. UGH! Seriously! Affectionate feelings for the wrong
person! And I can't even be mad or avoid it because they are being
genuinely nice and a good friend! And I like being around them! And
they like Parker! Sounds perfect right! TOTALLY not! AHHHH! The
worse part you ask? I will probably tell hem how I feel, because I
have a word vomit issue, and will ruin everything that we have the way
it is. I miss having feelings like this for another person and of
course the person I do have them for is HIGHLY inappropriate!

What is wrong with me?!?!

Let the repression begin!

Saturday, September 19, 2009

Longest Week Ever

It seems like this week would not end. I can't even remember Monday
because it was so long ago! I am pretty sure it is the same Monday
that Issac gave me his two weeks but I can't be sure...let me check a
calender....yup, it was. Huh, the really feels like it was longer
ago...anyway. Definately one of those weeks that was non stop.
Thursday was the worse day for sure though. I knew I was going to be
working in Oxford and had it all planned out until some lady ordered
120 box lunches for thursday at my store. I know it sounds like I am
complaining about business but trust me! I'm not! It's awesome-I love
huge orders, it just put a kink in my original plan. Someone had to
then go in at 4:30am to start bread (that someone is me). Which is
cool, like whatever, but I was also closing that night at my store.
So 5 hours or less of sleep, I was downtown baking bread until 6:30.
Then it was off to Oxford to assist in making 900+ sandwiches (aka 3
hours of pulling meat, which should sound like fun ;) but it wasn't
the fun kinda pulling). Then back to Cincinnati to close my store.
VERY EXHAUSTED! I really don't remember anything after about 5pm that

Next I'm sleeping and my phone rings, it's Val (GM of Clifton).
"Allyson, someone just called me from your store. Is anyone there?".
Immediate confusion. About 3 minutes later I realize that it is
almost 5 am Friday morning. "what!?ummm no, now I am creeped out and
I don't want to go to work!". Val, "call the cops to meet you there."

Call district 1...I have an odd request...give the lady my information
and her response, "Jimmy John's? It looks like there has been an
incident. Let me connect you to dispatch.". WHAT!!! SHIT!!! In my
drunken sleepy state did I forget to lock the back door?!?!! No I
didn't forget, but the register drawers were shut and someone thought
there would be money in them. They shoved a crowbar through the front
door, opened it, and pried open my drawers. No money. Disappointment
would tell you to take something else like chips or cookies or a, not these guys. They weren't hungry for a snack. Nothing
else had been touched.

We were on the news because if it which is like the 5th time we've
been on the news this summer. Not complaining about that, it
definately got people in the store!

Went to Val's going away party last night. I can't believe she won't
be here in a week. I don't know if I'll be good at my job without her

Parker played soccer today. We had to be there early because it was
picture day. During the game he scored 4 goals but only 2 counted for
his team....if ya catch my drift. Once he was told which direction to
go though he scored! Chased a kid from their goal down the field,
stole the ball, turned it around and ran it back down the correct
direction to their goal, kicked and scored. Definately the fastest
kid on the team. He doesn't have the best skill but today it clicked
for him. After the first quarter he didn't care to play any longer.

So now it is Saturday night after an early morning, an afternoon of
Rock Band, and an evening at the park. Parker and I are finishing our
poor family dinner of black beans with brown rice and corn muffins. I
think I will veg out and go to sleep early.....I hope no one funny is
on SNL, otherwise I'll be up until 1am.....

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Sunday, September 13, 2009

Sunday night blues

What a wonderful weekend! I didn't do too much this weekend, it feels
like I should have done more, but when I think about it, a lot was

Thursday night was really the beginning of my weekend because I didnt
work on Friday. I had planned on meeting up with the boxer for a few
drinks but that fell through and I am kinda glad that it did.

Friday was the opening of Lauren's first solo art show. She was
unvieling the work she did while she was in Alaska all summer. Before
I could drive to Detriot, I had to get a new tire. That is how Friday
was started, and finding out that Collins was visiting my store
(totally different story that luckily had a happy ending). But
anyway, then we came home and got packed for our day adventure to
Michigan. Nikki and Quinn came with us, and the kids did
wonderfully! We are happy because it will make our family vacation to
the beach in the spring much easier. Driving across Ohio is boring.
Especially along 75. I always have known this but I conviently
forgot. Holy cow I am happy that Nikki was there!

The art show was amazing,, if you want see her stuff.
Her art belongs some where besides the Midwest. Maybe Chicago but
more like San Francisco or LA...not here. So many people came to see
you new stuff it was really neat to see the support she gets first
hand. I am really proud of her.

The drive home was hysterical. Nikki and I were definately sleepy
drunk and we must have laugh for 4 hours straight. When we were
finally back in Cincinnati in our neighborhood, Parker woke up because
of our laughter and he said, "you guys are loud," then he pointed his
finger in the air and shouted "SILENCE!!!". Nikki and I looked at each
other and lost it! It was one of the funniest things I have ever
witnessed Parker do.

Saturday was Parker's first soccer game. I was hurting, falling
asleep at 2:30 and waking up at 7:30 isn't fun. After half of my 24oz
coffee, I was able to start cheering on the Cincinnati Blue Crew.
Parker was a starting forward which really means nothing after the y
blow the whistle. They played the yellow team (who I think are called
the Giraffes, not sure though) who had this kid that will probably be
a soccer player forever. He was great, control over the ball and
charged down the field, besides when he scored against his own team.
But that's okay, I'm pretty sure Parker scored against the Blue
Crew :-/ But this other kid kept falling down and would just lay
there. The first two times the coaches came over to make sure that he
was okay, which he was, but about the third time they just waited for
him to get up. I would much rather have the ball hog kid than the
dramatic kid. I am beginning to realize that it was everytime he was
touched, on the ground he went like a possum.
Parker did well though, he had contact with the ball acouple times.
The first time was after he just stood by the goal post for a solid 30
seconds. Just standing there wih his hands behind his back looking
around. Then the ball came over to him and he kicked it; I was so
excited that I cheered "yea Parker! Go get it!" (or something like
that, I don't really remember I was hungover from lack of sleep), but
he then stopped and ran over to me. He was smiling and I told him it
was a great kick but to get back out there. He said, (all smiles),
"Mommy did you see those three airplanes that flew over us?". I guess
while he was looking around the airplanes caught his eye.
He did great but definately needs to work on not touching the other
players. During the second half a yellow player bumped his head
against Parker's and Parker got upset and ran over to me crying.
"mommy the yellow team isn't sharing!".

The rest of this weekend I have been cleaning and playing. We watched
the Bengal's almost win (I left and quit watching after they scored
because I had to go downtown and there was only 20 seconds left but
then Denver scored). We went to the library to get books and we got
Spider-man. Very uneventful but one of the best weekends ever.
Tonight we fried all kinds of food upstairs with Nikki, Zach and
Quinn. It was delicious! And now it is Sunday night, time for bed
and begin the next work week. Boo :(

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Skeletons and closets

I don't know why this is happening. I don't really want to talk about
this but sometimes talking to no one helps to get your mind off the
thing that is occupying it the most. What seems like forever ago I
was in a "happy" "loving" long term "committed" relationship. I use
all those terms in quotes because they were my true feelings at the
time. It's amazing how much more honest you can be about your
feelings for another person once you are not involved with that person
every day of your life. I digress. I have not cried over the loss of
this relationship in my life for a long time. I have not talked about
the loss of this relationship in my life for a long time. Whenever he
has been mentioned in my life it is always in relation to Parker,
which makes complete sense because that is who he is hurting on a
daily basis by being uninvolved. This past week, though, all of my
past anger and hurt and fear of the future without him has come
rushing back to me and I don't know why. It is not close to any
important date from what was us. It is not close enough to a holiday
to be missing the family that I once had. There is nothing
significant going on right now that should make me miss him for me and
not for Parker. There are tons of reasons everyday that make me sad
that Parker doesn't have his dad there to cheer him on, every child
deserve both their parents to be in their life. Wanting him to be
around for Parker is a pain that I have learned to deal with everyday
Parker looks at me and says anything about his daddy. But that isn't
want I have felt this week. I have felt the lack of him in my life.
Suddenly I will be jolted with saddness because I don't have him. I
almost cried because I missed him. I can't miss him! I can't cry for
him! I don't want him! I am angry that I even am giving him this
much thought right now! But if I don't express it I can't get through
it. I don't like talking about him outloud and the statute of
limitations is up on the amount of time I can dwell on the pain he
caused in my life.

Why do I feel like it is so recent again? Is this part of healing and
moving beyond? Do I have to deal with the blows of a breakup all
over? All I want is for that part of my life to go away (except the
part that involved the creation of my beautiful child). I want to be
able to look back and know that there were good, happy, positive times
but all I see is darkness, hurt and pain. Everytime I am asked where
he is and if we call him tonight, my jaw clenches and my heart beats
faster because of the instant anger, and I have to look at the one
person that doesn't deserve the pain and tell him, no we can't call
because mommy doesn't know where he is.

I know I am stronger than this. I know I can be beyond these
feelings. I know that I made the right decision two and half years
ago. I never question my self about that but I am wondering if he
would fit into my life right now. The only good part is that I can't
see it. When I close my eyes I can't picture it.

This all holds me back. The things that I want the most are the
things that scare me the most. I need to move on.

Monday, September 7, 2009

Ah my boy

This weekend we had our first glimpse into soccar season. Saturday
morning Parker went to a soccar clinic where we met his team, coach
and got his soccar shirt. We had bought his shin guards and special
soccar shorts the night before so he was set. Talk about excitement!
Oh boy! When we got to the field he found out that he was on the blue
team!!! Holy cow!! The day was getting better and better instantly!
We went over to where the blue team was milling around when Parker ran
right over to a ball and started kicking it around. The coach seemed
impressed with some of the kid's kicking ability (mine included in
that category). While I was talking to the coach I noticed that
instead of kicking the ball to his teammates he was kicking it to them
and running up and kicking it away from them. I couldn't help but
laugh, team work is still a concept that he struggles with but it made
me think of it with more of a positive spin, he's not a ball hog, he
has a natural drive to try to be the best. That sounds much better.
When it was time for the drills and learning though he did very well.
He volunteered to go first a couple of times and offered his defintion
when the coach asked any of the kids if they knew what dribbling was,
(very loudly) "I know! That is where you have to bounce the ball a
lot with your hand!". Wrong sport kiddo! But nice try! Again I
couldn't help but laugh. He, later that day, showed me how to do all
the soccar tricks that he had learned that morning.

It was a fun morning, I definately am going to love whatever sports or
activities he wants to do as he grows. It is different to watch him
participate in something that you are not directly involved with, I
guess that it was a glimpse as too how he probably acts at school
too. Sometimes I wish I could watch him at school to see who he is
when I'm not around. I know I will never be really able to but
observing him at soccar made me see that he tries to impress and is
outgoing. I suggested that he cheer on his teammate and give the high
fives which he began pick up on his own.

I was, not surprising, one of the only moms that stayed around the
team as they moved from station to station. Out of all the kids on
his team, I was the only mom. I looked around to see what other
parents were doing and every team was about the same, dads with the
teams, moms along to fence with their other children. Although I
understand that someone has to stay to the side with the other kids,
did it bother the moms? Did some of them play soccar when they were
younger and wanted to be close to their child as they met their team
and learned the drills? Why didn't the parents switch off so that
both could be involved? I wouldn't be able to do it, it's way more
fun when you can hear and see everything.....oh no....I sound like a
future coach.

Friday, September 4, 2009

Proud Mama

This morning when I took Parker to daycare he blew me away with how smart he is. I mean I have always known that he is bright and catches on for his age but he has gained so much more knowledge since the moved him into the prekindergarten class at his daycare. Miss Mary, his teacher, is amazing and they have a great relationship which is comforting to know that he has someone he trusts fully there, but he was showing me some things around the classroom like the Praying Manitis that we fed crickets to, the catepiller that Liam's mom found and he told me how it was a cacoon now and will soon be a butterfly, then we went to the back "circletime" area. On the bulletin board were flash cards of the solar system. The first one had all the planets on it and Parker goes up to it and says, "Mommy, see this blue one? This blue one right here? (pointing with his finger) This is Earth. This is where we live." I was wowed. Then Miss Mary pointed to the next card. "What is this Parker?" "Um, a big ball of fire (looks up at me and smiles)." "Yes," says Miss Mary, "but what is it called?" "Um, the Sun." Then she points to the next card, "and this one?" "That's Mercury." "And this one?" "Venus." AMAZING! "And what's this one?" she askes pointing to another card. "Umm, the Milky Way."

It was one of those parenting moments that makes your heart fly out of your chest, but yet bittersweet. I used to be the person that taught him most of what he learned. I doubt I would be better than his teachers, because they are wonderful. School is around the corner and he is entering the stage in life where parents have less control over the influences of their child. This scares me but today he made me so proud. He is amazing and creative and one of the best people to be involved in a conversation. When you are doing the parenting things alone the frustrating times seem like they take over and they are all that exist. The past few weeks have been a cloud of frustrating moments, but then they do something that cuts through the irritation and bad behavior and temper tantrums and timeouts and it hits you in the face with how amazing and beautiful they are, reminds you that they get frustrated with you as much as you do with them, they they see our bad behavior and have to deal with it as well. It brings you back to an equillibrium and makes you a better parent.

Anyone who has met Parker knows how special he is and how wonderful. He is definately the kind of kid that you meet and fall in love with immediately. And now I wish I wasn't at work and could go to the park. I think I will leave early today.