Thursday, September 30, 2010

Parent Teacher Conference

Like many other Moms know, almost everyday you and your child reach a new milestone.  Today was my first Parent-Teacher Conference.  Last week during the Open House, Mrs. R and I were chatting about Montessori, how it benefits and the different stations that were set up around the room.  Parker had been having exceptionally bad behavior last week and the weeks prior (mentioned here).  I asked the teacher about his behavior at school and when she stated that he hadn't been listening, I welled up with tears.  I was/still am embarrassed about my emotional outburst....outburst is a little strong, but you know what I mean.  She had been telling me about the parent-teacher conferences coming up but that she could meet with me earlier than the end of October.....and that bring us to tonight. 

I was nervous.  At about 1:30 while I was trying to get things together to leave work early, I started getting really jittery.  My stomach was in knots and my heart was all fluttery.  I had no idea why I was so nervous and what for when I realized, that regardless of how I view my child, his new teacher may not like him as much as he was liked at the daycare facility.  She may have some unfortunate information to tell me.  Maybe I should have waited and started Parker on the old end of his class instead of the young end of his class.  Maybe she was going to tell me to consult the doctor about ADHD, or that he was rough with other children or that he talked back and was disrespectful to the teacher......every negative thing ran through my head. 

Contrary to what I thought would happen or could happen, it was a very complimentary and productive meeting.  We talked about the listening issue and fortunately, he is not worse or better than other kids with it.  Some days he lacks the ability to listen more than other days, but I told her about our new start sticker for listening in the morning and the evening and Mrs. R gave me a big thumbs up for that idea.  So now I just have to work on keeping "the reins tight."  Basically, I will mirror the same technique in the school.  Mrs. R told me how much she likes Parker's character and the pride that he carries when he completes his work.  She said that his penmanship is very good and he will be reading by December.  She thinks that once he is more used to the routine of his new life that he will progress at a faster pace than he already is.....what can I say besides that I am a proud mama.

We will continue with the star stickers and don't worry, I am not going to spoil the kid rotten.  His first reward is his own calender for his stickers.  His second will be a Mommy and Parker day hike at a park (I know, you are jealous!) or maybe the Children's Museum.......

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Damned if I do.....Damned if I don't

My relationship with Parker's dad isn't something that I talk about too much here.  It is in the past, I mostly want it to stay there and also, while I share details to my life and my feelings and thoughts and what not, but more so I feel like it is too much of Parker's life to share.  That may not make sense, but I feel like going to deeply into it would be a violation of his privacy.  Having said that, I will not go into past detail as to how we got together, how we broke up and some of the events since then, so my thoughts may not make complete sense.  There has been the least amount of contact this year.  I think it has been twice.  My phone rang about 2ish months ago, I answered and it was Parker's paternal grandmother.  I haven't seen or heard from her since his father lived with her about 2 years that I think about it, it was almost 2 years ago on the dot.  I take that back though, I have talked to her a few times, but not in the past year.  It was odd.  My heart was pounding.  I used to expect the random phone calls so it wasn't as shocking, but after you get used to not getting them, when they happen, it floors you.  It wasn't unpleasant, no yelling or arguing.....too much, just weird.  I don't know what she wanted.  Some how though, my words had been misconstrued into their family believing that I told them to lose contact with me and Parker.  That is not true.  I have told them that I wouldn't tolerate certain behavior around my child and that he wouldn't be dropped off randomly for a weekend here or a weekend there, but no contact at all?!?!?!  That is just fucking stupid.  So there was that discussion.  Did I mention that Parker and I were at Target when this happened?  Yea, so that was going on too.  *deep breath*
Basically, because of circumstance, I ended the conversation as quickly as I could.  Being the "I feel responsible for everyone" person that I tend to be, I felt awful.  I wanted to call her back and "clear the air," but when I thought about it more....I got angry.  Why should I pursue them when it was so easy for them to make me the bad person in the already black situation?  Why should I continue to try to make irresponsible people responsible?  *deep breath*
So why am I bringing this up now?  Facebook.  I love it.  I am on it entirely way too much. I like to post the ridiculous things that Parker says, our pictures, links to my blog, I like being sarcastic and ridiculous because I don't take it super super serious....but I do open my life on it.  I forgot that almost everyone has facebook.  I mean, my Dad does.  So I got a message on my favorite facebook from his grandmother.  Another floored kind of feeling.  I almost feel violated, like they shouldn't have been looking me up, but it's facebook.  I am so confused about my feelings for this family because of the years that I was a part of it and because of the amount of years I have been away from it.  It is a difficult situation.  There was also a friend request, which I will ignore.  There is too much of me on there  for them to see, which I am not okay with.  After a long discussion with my mom....I replied, short and nice....included my email with the request that we not stay in contact via facebook.  But now that door has been opened a crack.  Whether or not the people on the other side will take advantage of this cracked door is open for debate.  The recent past makes me think not and that this is just a blip for the time being and we will go on our very peaceful, merry way.  Or I will have to learn about the meaning of sharing again.  That latter will be difficult.  I have raised him and I will have a hard time "sharing" that responsibility if it ever got to that point.  But there it is.....I feel like I have taken a higher road.  I have left the door open.

Re: Bad Mommy Day

Last week I had a Mommy Meltdown.  It was Tuesday.  I wrote about it briefly.  But I definitely had Cryfest 2010 on the phone with my mom.  Parker had some really bad mornings with the Nanny and some bad evenings with me.  His lack of listening has been stressing me out and it was a breaking point last Tuesday.  We started a sticker chart on the calender last Wednesday.  He has the opportunity of 2 stickers everyday.  One given by his Nanny in the morning, and the other by me in the evening.  Although there is no am/pm divide on Saturday, he has the opportunity to get stickers too.  Sunday is his free day.  Great behavior means a bonus sticker that will make up for any days that were lacking stickers.  I explained it to him on either Tuesday or Wednesday.  He loved the idea and since then, I have my normal not overly whiny articulate little boy back.  On his weekly report card he had all smiley faces for behavior, 2 S's (satisfactory work) on Monday and Tuesday and 3 E's (excellent work) for Wednesday through Friday.  Something clicked back to normal.  This happens, and it does with every child, but it is so frustrating.  Suddenly you don't have your child anymore....they have been replaced with one that looks like yours but screeches in alien tones and speaks an unfamiliar language.  You feel like you are going crazy wondering why they are acting so effing weird!  And then, like the blink of an eye....they are back.  It is such a drastic change in such a small amount of time that it makes you wonder, was it you or me?

I know I talk about this almost every other post I write...wondering how much of Parker's misbehavior is him or a reaction to me and my emotions.  While I know that I am separate from him and that he has his own mind and ability to make decisions, I am starting to understand that I can not take his behaviors personally.  This is going to be a difficult concept to grasp, but according to veteran moms, necessary to survive the teenage years.....I may as well start practicing now.  The next parenting challenge that I am forced to accept is knowing that his behavior is not a reflection on my parenting and mothering but a choice that he is making.  Teach him to make good decisions and then hoping that he remembers what I have taught him.  Luckily for now, stickers and a special treat after getting 12 stickers in 7 days is enough motivation for him to remember the lessons learned at home.  We shall see how long the sticker remain shiny to him.  (Wouldn't that be awesome if it lasted forever!!!!!!  I know, I know....unrealistic fantastical thinking.....)

Wednesday, September 22, 2010


At dinner this evening Parker looks at me and informs me that he has something to tell me.  His face from smile to serious....I was thinking, "Oh crap!  What did he do!"  He takes a deep breath and looks at me square in the eye and says, "I have to tell you about something that I have now that I am at a different school than Liam.....[I hold my breath].  I have a friend.....that is a girl."  I held back laughter!  I asked if he meant a girlfriend, which he was quick to say no!....I ask what her name is, and he can't remember.  Then he says, "But I can tell you about her is that she [cute little smirk appears on his face] is cute."

I believe that my son may have a girlfriend.

Also, this is my 100th took me a while but I have reached The BIG 1-0-0!  (it's not as easy to say as the BIG 1-0, Jen and Lauren will get that....everyone else, not so much)

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Bad Mommy Day

Do any other Moms have those days where you question every parenting decision you make and have made? Parker had a rough day yesterday and all I could think about was how I could have done something different to prevent it....and I wasn't present when the bad behavior was displayed. Today I was preoccupied with whether or not it was going to be a repeat of yesterday. It wasn't. But I was so stressed out about it, and still am, that I teared up when I was casually talking about it, then had a melt down on the phone with my Mom. How can I prevent it? How can I change it? Am I blowing minor behavioral issues too big? Am I being a good Mom? What can I do to make sure that he doesn't turn into the person I fear him
turning into? Am I a good Mom?

This evening was great though, we ate dinner and then snuggled up on the couch to watch Glee. Suddenly we heard a noise and it was Mr. at the window.....a surprise visit. He has never surprised us before and it was wonderful because of the cummulative stress from my day but really bad was bedtime. I think we all know that bedtime was not smooth after that....

It was a struggle. But with some help from Mr. (I think he saw that my head was about to explode), Parker fell asleep at a reasonable time and we had a nice snuggly visit.

I think the chapter from the parenting manual about how to parent 5 year olds was ripped out of my manual....does anyone have a spare copy?

Saturday, September 18, 2010

Time to gush

***Warning!  The level of optimism you read here is not typical.  Do not expect it again***

I am here.  I am at Mr.'s house.  On his laptop...was on his back porch overlooking the amazing view of his backyard, but I got hot and couldn't see the computer screen so I moved inside.  But anyway, yes, I am here for the entire weekend.  Parker is camping with Grandpa Jeff and when this information got out, Mr. intived me to spend a relaxing lazy weekend with him.  When I found out that I had to work today, I assumed that I would just come over later tonight so we could go hit up Oktoberfest (mmmm....cream puffs and struedle and beer, oh my!), but he inisisted I come over friday with everything that I need so I could go to work and then come straight here.....kinda sweet.

Last night was great.  I accidently got a little drunk but we had a great time just the two of us.  Most of the time we have been seeing each other Parker is around....which is great, don't get me wrong, but just us is pretty amazing and exciting and fun and sexy and silly.  I enjoy being around him so much that I honestly could see him everyday....if my life allowed that of course.  But inevitably, due to alcohol and being retarded, we had some sort of "talk" about our feelings towards each other.  The normal Allyson, would have only listened to anything negative and not any of the amazing things he said to me, and I would not be here today.  But I am here.  I know he likes me.  I know he likes Parker.  I know he would be with me all the time if his life allowed it right now.  All wonderful things.  I am focusing on those things right now because I am having such a wonderful and happy time right now and regardless of how long it lasts, I don't want to ruin it today.  Maybe I will think of the reality of our lives and the reality of where we both are emotionally and all that tomorrow.....actually, maybe on Monday.  But right now, it feels so________.  I can't think of the correct word.  Comfortable?  Natural?  Happy? Good?  or just fill in that blank minded part with picturing a smile on my face.

Did I mention how adorable he is?  Because he totally is.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

BLARG on my blog

I mention a few posts ago that a friend of mine from work lent me a book to read.  I haven't finished the book yet but I love love LOVE it.  It has me thinking and questioning the world/government around me.  How would the American people react if this plot were true is a question I ponder with every page.  I know, you are sitting, gripping the seat you are sitting in while waiting in suspense for me to drop the title and the author so that you can run to your nearest book store to buy your own copy.  You are probably thinking it is something like Ishmael or 1984 or A Brave New World or The Giver...books that if read, you can have a different view on societal matters....but it is none of those is World War Z by Max Brooks. 

Typically it is hard for me to finish novels, and while I haven't finished this one yet, I know I will.  It is an oral history on the zombie outbreak and the war that followed.  It is great!  But has got me to would we react if/when the zombie outbreak occurs?  There would obviously be a cover up because that is how the government likes to respond to anything that could affect  masses and cause panic.  So we know that they would do nothing but rumors would spread.  I know you are thinking that I am a bit off my rocker with this one...especially because I dropped the "when the zombie outbreak occurs" bit....but let's face can't be that far off into the future.  Think about when Mary Shelly wrote her story about Dr. Frankenstein and the Monster he created.  She conjured up this story and published in the year of 1818.  Although it isn't known for sure what Shelley's influence were for her story, she and a group of people, her husband and friends, were traveling when her first oral version of the story was told.  It is believed that she referenced multiple stories such as Promethean myth from Ovid, John Milton's Paradise Lost, Samuel Taylor Coleridge's The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, William Thomas Beckford's Vathek, Mary Wollstonecraft's Vindication of the Rights of Woman, Humphry Davy's Elements of Chemical Philosophy.  But regardless of where she got her inspiration, the idea of creating a cognitive being from dead body parts, reanimation of dead cells is far beyond the time.  For 1818, it is very far fetched that the Monster could ever be created....if you put the story in the context of now, though, it doesn't seem as crazy.  At the time Shelley wrote her novel, the world was 149 years away from our first heart transplant, something that I am sure was unheard of at the time she was deciding how to write about a reanimated human being.  With that in mind, think about a viral outbreak that would create reanimation of dead humans-way less nuts-o than a heart transplant in the year 1818.  Now....I know, you are getting concerned about my mental health right now and wondering is I smoked a little something before sitting here to right this...I am of clean mind and body, I promise.  I am just saying, that we can't discount the idea....and I think that when it does happen, it will be because we created it to happen.  Zombies will not just occur on their own as a natural phenomena, but they will be created as a botched science experiment much like the Monster in Frankenstein.  It will be created and reek havoc on the person who created it...and then the world.

So everybody should just built their houses on stilts now and buy up all the guns in the world to get ready for it...don't forget to aim for their head!

But this book, if you believe in/like zombies or it.

(and if you have never read that one too)

Friday, September 10, 2010

September of disappointments

So there were two things that I was truly looking forward to this month and even though it is still the beginning of September, neither are looking like they will be successful. 

The first was setting a date to move from the apartment to a whole house.  Since my last counter offer, I have heard nothing.  My dual agent realtor has been on vacation but someone else from her office was supposed to be taking over while she was gone.  So based on that fact, homeownership is not looking like a possibility in the next 3 weeks.....I was so excited to give my 30 day notice to my landlord too....dang!

The second was taking a class this fall at UC.  I enrolled as a non-matriculated student mid summer to get a head start on building History credits since I am leaning towards History for my Master's, but unbeknownst to me when I did that, non program oriented students do not receive any kind of financial aid.....I feel like a dumbass for not knowing that one!  And I can't afford to go to school without financial aid, so I guess I have to stop procrastinating and just take that damn GRE already......(remember when I said I was going to take it in March?!?!?  HAHA!).   I hate hate hate hate standardized tests!  They do not predict what they are supposed to predict and they aren't standard!  I mean, really, who is the standard person that they are testing and then testing everyone else against?  I guarentee there are more "unstandard" people taking those tests than there are "standard."  It's kinda like the whole "reasonable person" shit that is written in to laws....who is that person again?

Anyway, I guess I just having to keep working towards both things and eventually I'll get there.  When I graduated from UC in 2007 and started working in the position I am in now, I gave my self until Parker was in Kindergarten to get another job or to start grad school.....we all know that Kindergarten has started, and while I am very satisfied with my job, grad school is haunting me and becoming an obsessive goal that I have to obtain or I will go insane.....maybe that is a little drastic, but you know what I'm saying....right?

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

One of those days

You know those days that you have that just shouldn't exist? It's not that something tragic has happened or really anything bad, but at the end of the day you have that, "what was the point of today?" feeling. Again, not whoa-is-me kinda crap, but you wonder what the life lesson was and why you needed it. Needless to say, that was my day. Slow at first and smooth. Nothing was wrong, I got a cute little morning text from mr, made a date for tomorrow, sliced salami and a bunch of ham before we opened....truly a smooth and successful morning and early afternoon. My phone rang a couple times and then there was the inevitable voice mail, "Hi, this is the nurse at Winton Montessori, Parker threw up."

Arg!!! I hate that call!! In the past I have contemplated not calling back until they call the er contacts! So the next inevitable thing happens, I go get him and then he stays at work with me. Whenever this happens I never leave work on time either, I am there way later than I need/should be, like today we left at 6pm. That is just stupid. Meanwhile, he was present and misbehaving while I had a manager meeting, while 50 new UC students came in, while I was still prepping for on and so forth. Did I mention how unbelievably awful his behavior was today? Granted he was bored but he was fine too. For 4 hours I was completely stressed out and not able to actually focus on work or Parker... which of course makes me feel like I have failed at both mothering and my job.

It would be a perfect day to come home to "that" person. The one that will listen to you bitch and moan about your day to the point where they just make you laugh about it. Listen and bitch with you until you realize that it is over and it is time to let it go. Sometimes you need another person to tell you to let it go and that it doesn't really matter before you can actually do just that. When you don't have a release, all the stresses tend to fester inside and stay on you brain all night. And now, because of mr existing in my life, I wonder if he is that person for me. Like I have stately recently though, it is too soon to talk about him too much. But it is fun to wonder about the possibility of a future, even when my cynicism and realistic mind tells me not to.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010


So this is now the third post that I am trying to start and complete.  That's right....third.  My attention span can not last an entire entry!  I have little snippets of my life that I want to talk about but really....none of it is interesting.  There is no more info on the house.  Parker is doing fine in Kindergarten.  Work is work.  We went to the WEBN fireworks for the the first time on Sunday.  Of course Parker was very excited and then once they started he FREAKED out.  Started screaming and crying that he wanted to go home....luckily one of the people we were with had a bit of toilet paper that we used as ear plugs.....a much happier Parker after that.  But really these were amazing fireworks.  I have never seen anything like them before.  The company we were with was pretty alright too.  In fact, I think that I am going to have to come up with a blog worthy ambiguous name for a certain person.  Really, I want to talk about mr, but it's too soon.  And yes, that is my clever ambiguous name for him....clever, his initials.  (LAME!)

So a week of not writing anything and this is all I got.  I will do better next time.  I started reading an amazing book and a friend of mine at work is lending me one about maybe that will give me some blog fodder...until then, just ADD little posts about nothing.....

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Hardball sucks

First my last post. 

I wish I could share fabulously great news like, we are closing in October!  But, I can't.  Negogiations kinda suck.  I know there will be other houses and maybe something spectacular is around the corner, but for now I will be disappointed and I'm okay with that.  In the mean time we will continue living below our best friends and dealing with our dumbass landlord.....wasting my money.

On a bit of a small rant about buying a house....someone said to me that they were surprised that I would want to buy a house considering that I am a single mom.  Why would I want to take on the responsibility of a house?  There was a mention of the freedom of an apartment and renting, that I could move whenever I want to basically.  It was an interesting comment.  Historically, in a social sense, a single woman wouldn't buy a house because it would then create an odd dynamic in her single life, an obstacle to finding a mate.  But that was not his reasoning, but a more realistic one about responsibility and the fact that I am, indeed, a busy lady.  I see where he was coming from, if I have an issue in the apartment, I call my dumbass landlord and hope that he takes care of it before my next rent check is due....but it would all be on my shoulders in a house.  I thrive on responsibility.  I don't know why or when it started, but I like the extra pressure.  I work at my best under pressure, so I think that I can handle it.  After I thought about this gent's comment for a while I realized that I am ideal for property ownership.  I am trying to establish roots for Parker, not a spontaneous living condition.  I have no plans of just up and leaving town because of Parker.  If I was childless and single there would be no way I would buy a house because I wouldn't want the commitment.  I brought up my point later and that thought was one that hadn't crossed his mind.

Yes, a house would be a huge added responsibility in my life and yes, I would be the only adult there to take care of any issues that would come up, but how cool would it be for Parker and I to have our own true space with a yard and our own grill and a front porch and starting a new chapter in our lives....not that we haven't been on our own, but with our own house.  I guess I am kind of a romantic about the notion of home ownership and until the reality of it crushes my romantic hopes and dreams, I will remain optimistic that I should buy a house.

(optimism is hard for me so consider that last statement to be huge progress!)