Monday, August 30, 2010


At 8pm tonight I made an offer on the house that I am totally in love with. A low offer. I know what it was bought for, I know what it needs and the cost of those needs and I know how much work they put into it, so I made a solid, much less than they are asking for, offer. The hour and a half I was at my realtor's was nerve racking! One my way over I was talking to my Dad for a pep talk, I told him I felt like I needed another person with me for that, but these kinds if things are the decisions that single adults make, I don't need anyone to hold my hand. My realtor told me the seller was a tough cookie, I leaned in and told her that I'm a tough cookie too.

So my realtor already called back with a counter offer....I told her I would call her tomorrow. Hardball has begun.

Sunday, August 29, 2010

Please kick my ass!

My realtor called while Parker and I were at the game, when I was about to listen to the voicemail, my heart stopped in anticipation that there was bad news. There is a house I know I can afford. I'm preapproved, my ducks are all lined up but I haven't made an offer....why!?!?!? Someone please kick my ass in gear! Why am I such a procrastinator?!?!?!? Whenever I procrastinate like this I think maybe I am okay with the status quo...I'm not! Just tell me to do it and I will probably have made an offer by the end of the week. Okay, there you go, you have permission to boss me around sooooo......go!

I do make a move on my own when I boils down to it, like I finally replaced my broken screen phone yesterday, I forgot how wonderful a not broken screen on an iPhone it told Jen, it's smooth like sex ;)

Saturday, August 28, 2010

Funk Man!

I am completely in a funk.  I know exactly why and it just plain pisses me off.  I am a busy lady between working and Parker so I don't have much free time that I haven't already designated to hanging out with Nikki and Zach or going to Dayton to visit my wonderful family.  Sometime I even like to do nothing on the weekends!  Whenever I try to throw a third commitment into my double committed life, it gets all funky.  Like my attention span is only big enough for work and Parker.....nothing else.  This completely has to go!  I have a lot that I have decided to take on recently!  I think I have found a house that I want to purchase, I signed up for a class to get this Master's degree ball rolling and.....well, I guess I have really only added two things, but it feels like more......oh yes, I think I am dating someone.  I am not sure though because I am kind of a moron at telling those things, but it seems like it is on that path  (But it it is never mentioned again, I am just being a moron right now)

But now that I have added to my life (which is kind of the point of living, to add to your life, and not always in the material sense but in the fulfillment sense), the things that have pre-existing importance seem to be out of whack.  Like at work....I am supposed to have the fall schedule done by Wednesday (a time line that I set for my self).....a schedule for some 20 or so employees who are mostly in college and demand very specific hours while I have to make it to meet my demands, my fellow GM's demands and our shift runner's demands.....and I haven't even looked at anyone's availability!  My labor is too high, yesterday I walked around like a zombie most of the day, I don't feel like maintaining my usual responsibilities and frankly, I feel like I am losing my normal controlling, bad ass self.......

The other part of my life, Parker, I have never had under control.  We waver on when we get along and when we don't.  The focus for most the past month has been all about him going to Kindergarten...that has been my main focus and thought.  There was basically nothing else on my mind.  Now, granted, it's only been a full week in, I feel the routine falling slowly into place.  My focus is not completely around him and Kindergarten anymore, but I am trying to get work back on track so the past couple days has been a bit of a struggle with Parker, our equilibrium is jacked up.  Luckily, this weekend is a Mommy and Parker weekend, and generally we get back to the same page when we can spend time together that is not confined to our house and chores, when there is something that we go do together.  We are going to the Reds game on Sunday and looking forward to watching them smash the Cubs.....should be good.

Back to the point.....will there ever be a time when I can balance more than my child and my job?  Losing my grip on both has damaging effects on my belief in my ability to handle more.  I think I can most of the time, but then this happens and I lose my intensity for the rest of what I am trying to reach.  This house is amazing and I was supposed to call my bank this week about my pre-approval, but I didn't.  I still haven't figured out my financial aid for school.  And I have no idea what to even think about this gentleman that has entered my life (so therefor I won't think of that part).  Negotiating what I want and what I can handle is so very hard to do.  Most of the time I think I can take on anything and everything, people around me make me believe that I can too....which is probably the best support that I could ask for, but I feel like I may come up short sometime and disappoint someone.....and as a middle child, disappointing anyone is one of my biggest fears.

Thursday, August 26, 2010

The Nanny

As many of you know, Parker started Kindergarten last week and loved it.  This week has been about the same.....about.  Beyond the transition to Kindergarten, we have also added a new person into our daily lives....I can't remember if I mentioned this before but, I hired a nanny type person.  I struggle calling her a nanny because it makes me feel so bourgeois.  I feel like if I call her that, I am saying that I am/was too good for the before school program, which I assure I am/was not.  Parker has had to wake up at 5:30am for the past 2 years, go to work with me at 6:30am for a half hour and then at 7am, go to daycare for the entire time they were open.....that is a long effing day for anyone especially for a child....but that was our routine and he took a 3 hour nap in the middle of the day.  Nap time is no more so I was struggling with the idea of taking him to before school care at 7:30 am (which would totally not work with my schedule) and him be alert enough to fully participate during the solution find someone to come to my house at 6am, help him get up, dressed and take him to school.  And that is what we are doing....getting use to Kindergarten and getting use to a new person waking up Parker.  He was fine last week but this week he has had two sobby days.  I can't complain though because he hasn't been misbehaving but I just have to give him time to adjust.  I am very lucky, the young woman that I hired is the "all time babysitter."  This is what she has been doing for two different families for a couple years.  She is very sweet and gets a long great with Parker.  I think that she is starting to be able to converse with me easier too.  I talk a lot (shocking!!) and the conversations have been more one sided, but I figured, maybe I shouldn't talk so much.....I think it's working!!

A couple funny school stories.

Last Wednesday when I picked Parker up he admitted to getting chocolate at school.  He said that he was going to have to drink a lot of white milk at home because of it.

Thursday he told he bought a pickle in the lunch line.

Friday his lunch bag was almost completely full.  I asked what he ate and he said, "The Capri Sun, 1 white milk, 1 chocolate milk, a pickle and the bag of Cheetos."

Monday he told me school was too long and asked when spring break was starting.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

What's in a Word?

Another thrilling topic hosted by Transatlantic Blonde for our Friday Feminist discussion.....the power of words.  Again, Ms.Blondie....beautiful choice.  I don't know where to start.  Words, like everything else, are gendered.  Now I know, right off the bat, there will be an argument as to whether or not this is true.  But it is.  Word selection is extremely influential is what we want our readers to take away from what they reading.  Same with what they are hearing.  It is tricky.  At work, I train people to use certain words with customers.  Like when we up sell product, you always was to use the word "add"because of the perceived extra value that is attached to that word.  If you just ask a person if they "want" something, they are then most likely to be upset but the extra cost because there is the perception of choice.....either they get the product or they don't but it is up to them.  It feels like I am being deceiving when I ask questions in a certain way, but since I have switched, I have had no issues with people being upset with the extra it's all in the word.  This example, however, is conscious.  I know that I am doing it and I am doing it completely on purpose and expect those around me to follow suit.....but how do we handle the words people choose that are hurtful and they don't realize the meaning behind them.

There are three words that automatically make me turn red.  I get angry, fist clenched, want to yell in faces, angry.  I almost don't want to share them because whenever I do, people feel the need to use all three in a sentence, plus if I use them, then I am also giving those words power.  But here they are and my reasons for not using them and hating them.

Nigger.  I was raised that everyone is equal.  I did not grow up in a diverse community, it was very conservative and very white.  This was a word that was thrown around a lot by the white middle class boys that I went to school with.  It has always struck a nerve with me although I don't know the origin of the nerve, I do not tolerate it.  It bothers me when I here black men and women using it as well.  The argument is that the black community has taken back the word to empower it....since it is used widely in the black community, the idea is that the negative connotation will leave once it is empowered.  That is not true.  No matter who uses it and in what context, it is negative.  That word is meant to put a person into a lower status, whether they are black or not.  When is it used, it describes someone who "needs" their power to be taken away.  This word will never be empowered because of it's history.

Faggot.  For a long time I didn't know what this word meant.  I called my cousin a "fag" once because I heard his older brother say aunt went ballistic on me for it but no one told me why it was bad and why I shouldn't use it.  When I was a young teenager I found out the history of this word.  Now, I have never actually researched it, but the story I was told was enough.  My best teenage friend's mom is a lesbian.  I spent a lot of time at their house.  She is a wonderful woman and took in a lot of foster care teens.  Most of them were young men and once I heard one of them use that word.  She was so good at keeping her calm.  This word struck a nerve with her....we could all see it in her face.  She calmly asked if anyone knew why that word was so negative against gay one knew.  I knew that it can be used in place of cigarette, but I didn't know what connotation she was speaking of.  She told us that another term for faggot was 'a bundle of sticks.'  She said that "a long time ago" people would tie up gay men like a bundle of sticks and set fire to them because of their sexual identity.  I think I was about 13 when I heard her tell that story, and again, I have never researched it, but it was enough for me to understand that it is a hurtful word.  Another word that put power over another person.  And another word that has a societal reference to violence against a group from the margins.

There are so many words that we use to sectionalize people.  We refer to women as chicks and bitches because it is a reminder that, although you are people, you only have the status of an animal to me.  We disembody women by allowing words like pussy and cunt to describe weakness, as though our vaginas and uteri are weak.  We use the word girly to tell a boy that he just isn't quite right, that he is less because he is more feminine, because being a woman is so weak.  When you think about the words we (I mean society by the way) use to describe weakness, status, and size, they are all female words.  Our language has linked being female to being weak.  It should be converse.  Women bear children.  That takes insurmountable strength.  Our uteri are anything but weak.  Our bodies know when they need to reject an unhealthy fertilized egg.  Our bodies know when it is time for the baby to be born.  Our bodies know a monthly pattern that is connected with nature.  Our bodies, the changes that we go through from puberty to child bearing to menopause, is nothing but strength.    I start to think about this too much and it makes me want to ramble for hours.....where is the root to our language turning on women?  why were these negative connections made?  how the fuck are we going to shake the connotation from the denotation?

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

I forgot his milk money!

Parker is in Kindergarten.  He is there right now, listening intently, hanging on his teacher's every last word waiting for the next seed of information to be planted in his head
so that it will grow and he will grow.  He is behaving tremendously.
He is making new friends and not over entertaining everyone.
He has probably already learned to count to 100.......

Ok.  So that might be a stretch but a mom can hope...right?  I know is doing great.  He woke up this morning excited as all get out.  He thought at first it was saturday but quickly realized that he was going to Kindergarten today.  Which is a relief because yesterday he was not very excited.  He cried when about his friends and decided that school was going to be awful.  He didn't want to go anymore.  At bed time, he had tears again.  It wasn't until after my mom told him the story of my first day of Kindergarten and me reminding him that he has had two first days of daycare already, that he calmed down and was okay with life.  He even looked at me and said, "I'm getting pretty tired now so I am just going to go to bed." And he did.

This morning, he got him self dressed, ate all of his food, made sure his back pack was packed just right and insisted on putting his lunch items in his lunch bag.  He decided to wear Christmas socks because he wants to be silly....and Christmas socks in the summer is complete silliness!.  And of course he had to pose for his pictures......
This one is my favorite...what a ham
So then it was off to the school.  He was really quiet outside the building but hurried in front of me to get in.  It was like he was calculating his move through the crowd and trying to recognize any of the kids he met at the open house in the spring.  Once he was in the classroom, he found his name at the table and promptly told the Teacher's Aid that I had forgotten to write his name on his lunch bag......thanks good at pointing out the stuff that Mommy forgets!  Then he found his name in the closet for his backpack, hung it up and sat at his seat.
And that look on his face was my cue to leave.  I gave him about 50 more kisses and left the school.  There was no wimper, no whine, no eyes with tears, no "Mommy wait," no plea for me to stay......he was completely ready.  My eyes welled as I left the building.  They welled when I called my mom to tell her how well he did.  They are welling right now.  Not because I am sad or worried or because I am use to the house being filled him (normally I am at work so this is kinda weird)....but because I am not there to see him grow and learn and see him experience this transition in his life.

When our kids are born they become our lives.  They are the first ones on our minds at any given point in time during the day.  And while they are babies, we are the only ones on their minds.  They are our lives and we are theirs.  But for them, it doesn't last.  I would say right around the time they start walking is the first time they start to "live their own life."  They are mobile and move on their own.  From there on, every milestone is a step to their own life.....and don't get me wrong, I am so happy for this as well but it is a painful reminder for parents that we are not their world and will not be their world again.  I have held on to those months when I was his world for years now.  The first time he started daycare was the hardest, but it is the same feeling I have now.  I want to be present for every bit of his life and I can't.  The first time he went to motorcycle races with my dad was a reminder that he has his own life that is separate from our life.  And now Kindergarten.  I want to be there right now.  I want to see how he interacts with his new classmates and his teacher.  I want to see how he handles recess.  I want to see what his personality is like when I am not around.  I can't though because that would cause some serious psychological problems in the future if I attempted to enmesh myself in his life that much.  I have to take it in stride and know that regardless I am always his mom.  I am his only mom and will always be important in his life.....even when he hates me.  Too bad we can't become invisible sometimes or have a separate invisible self that can always be apart of our child's life....I know it sounds creepy and I would not want to see everything, but today would be a day I would choose.

And yes, I completely forgot to leave milk money with him.....but I dropped it off at the school on the way home from the grocery store.....that made me feel like crying too.

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Thanks and Praises

I would like to call her "my friend from high school," but truth be told....we weren't really friends.  I went to her house once towards the end of middle school or maybe the beginning of high school....I can't remember now.  About 3 years ago I ran into her at Meijer when I was living with my mom in Dayton.  I had Parker and she had her son....they are about 2 months a part.  It was crazy!  I had no idea that she had a baby boy the same age as mine.  We chatted a little, and we were in similar situations.....the relationship with our "baby's daddies" had both ended and we were trying to pick up from there.  She was the first person from my high school that I knew of in a similar situation.  It was nice to see her.  I always wanted to get "back in touch" but the "usual excuses" kept me from acting.  Fast forward 3 years to this summer.  I was at Meijer shopping with Parker and my mom when my "friend" from high school and I bumped into each other again!  Weird...I know.  She was with her almost 5 year old son and I was with my recently turned 5 year old son.  Again, it was great to see her.  We didn't chat as much this time (because of facebook, we kinda had an idea about each other's lives).  Her son is handsome and smart....he gave us a very detailed breakdown as to how far away his birthday was.  But the whole point is this...she left me a nice comment about how she reads my bog and can relate to me and my life.  I love getting comments and feed back about what I write.  The reason that I do this is because I hope that someone somewhere can relate to what I am saying so that they know they are not alone.  I have felt alone in my thoughts and challenges is good when you know that you aren't the only one out "there" who has these challenges and thoughts....but her comment to me is one of the best I have gotten.  I didn't realize that it would mean so much more to me when it was from someone I know.  Thank you.  And thank you to everyone who reads this, whether you relate or not, whether you leave feedback or not.....thank you.

Friday, August 13, 2010

Fashionista...I think not

This Friday for our Feminist Mom Round Up hosted by Transatlantic Blonde, a topic was given for us to  I cringe.  I should share this with my sister who has  fashion blog.

When I think about fashion, my mind automatically goes to advertising.  I don't know anything about fashion nor do I really care.  Personally, I know I have no fashion but as long as I am comfortable and feel good about my self, it's all good.  I look at clothes and the way that other people dress and want to be more fashionable but  since I have never made a conscious change, I think that is a clue to, again, I don't really care.  I do care about the advertising part of fashion and the magazines that are based around fashion.  I spent a lot of time on this subject in college and I don't want to bore anyone with a research type response, so I will relate the issue with the magazines and the use of these magazines to help educate our children.  Bare with me, it could easily turn into a rant.

Collages....pretty harmless.  I remember cutting out pictures from magazines for collages in elementary school and middle school.  My best friend in high school and I even made collages when we were bored.  I haven't ever thought of them as anything bad until I picked Parker up from daycare one day last year.  He was in the lower pre-school class at the time and they were learning about emotions.  Easy things like happy, sad, mad, scared, on and so forth.  The children looked through magazines to find pictures of people with these expressions on their faces.  Again, doesn't seem like anything to make the hairs on the back of my neck stand up, but that is what they did.  The magazines that the children picked through were all donated fashion magazines.  This is what surprised me and this is what bothered me.  If you look through a fashion magazine at the way that women are portrayed, it is bothersome.  You have to really look though, which is a big problem from the start.  We are so used to women having their mouths open or eyes closed or mouth covered or just her legs or midsection or chest, constantly portrayed as pieces instead of a whole, that no one really looks at the damage or the message that photo is sharing with the world.  We don't even see a woman.  We see a brand.  She no longer exists for any purpose but to but sectionalized and sold.  Her purpose is to entice, to sell, to tempt those looking at her.  The way that her body is set on the page is damaging.  Laying on the ground in a victimized fashion, hands over her mouth because she isn't there to speak, eyes covered because she isn't there to see or learn or challenge, arms up as if she has been startled, mouth open because nothing is more sexual than an open mouth.  These are some of the images I saw on the posters in my son's classroom.  There was a picture of a women laying on a bed in underwear with a surprised look on for the poster of "surprise."  The images were of young girls dressed like women with their mouths open or big eyes on the poster labeled "sad."  I want to say that I was outraged, but that isn't they right word.  I was suprised, but that doesn't convey the right emotion for the time either.  I realized that regardless of the fact that I saw everything that was wrong with these images, no one else did.  If anyone else had, they would not have been used.  I think I was disappointed more than anything.  After I was disappointed, I wanted to make sure they knew why I thought this was inappropriate.  Whether or not they agreed (which they did not), I needed them to know why I thought they were damaging to my son as well as the other girls and boys.

[Side story, I was in the same classroom more recently and there were pictures of men, women and children from magazines that were arranged from biggest to smallest.  When there was a male and female picture that were the same size, the male picture was placed as the "biggest" in 9 out of 10 child had a female as the "biggest" on their poster....interesting stuff eh?]

So why were they damaging?  The biggest reason is the misconception of beauty that was taught to both the girls and the boys in the class.  Why push the "ideal" beauty to girls younger than 5 when they have their entire life to be told that they are not what men want them to be?  Why push this image upon little boys younger than 5 when they have their entire lives to incorrectly think that is the way women are supposed to look?  They were not images of emotions expressed through photography, they were images to sell a product.  Why teach children younger than 5 that their purpose is to consume?  Let the little girls and boys be just that, use images from magazines that suit their lives, magazines that have children who look like children in them, magazines that show team work or activities or better yet.....make a collage of all the children in the class portraying the emotions that they are learning! (In the teacher's defense, there were atleast two pictures of the children expressing the feeling on each poster).  I told the teacher that I had an issue with the magazines that they were using and that I am trying to raise my son to know that women are not his subordinate.  Of course, she didn't see an issues with the pictures, which is irritating, but I get it.....not everyone thinks the same way that I do...and she said that she uses what she gets donated to her.  The next day I brought in all of the baby magazines I got for free, catalogs and few family magazines that had been sent to me.  [The hardcore feminist in me wants to completely digress on the damaging effects of the women in these magazines too but I will hold back......deep breath]  The teacher appreciated my gesture, but the posters remained hanging in the classroom.

We push our children to become little adults too soon but yet we are surprised and disgusted when they are teenagers and pregnant or have an STD.  We can't dress pre-teen girls in Victoria's Secret and then be mad when she objectifies herself....we taught her to do that.  We objectified her when the pants that say "Sexy" on her ass were purchased on her behalf.  [Again, the whole Pink collection at VS....another rant, but women trying to look like prepubescent girls but then prepubescent girls purchase the product to then look like women.....ugh].  And our sons?  We want them to be "players" in Kindergarten and applaud the number of girlfriends they have.  The clothes that are designed for them are for playing, running, being active and socializing.  The clothes we design for girls are constricting, meant for watching and sitting.  Skirts are harder to run in because you have to constantly be wondering if you underwear is going to show (that is why I always wore my bike short, you remember the spandex neon ones, under all of my skirts when I was little).  Every time I have walk into the daycare, I see little girls fumbling with a strap that has fallen off their shoulder or readjusting the skirt they have on or the halter top.  I haven't seen the same issue with the little boys.  They are chasing each other wildly.

Whew!  I didn't know if I was going to make it through!  So much you could cover on such a topic.  Good choice Blondie!

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Almost Wordless Almost Wednesday

When I picked up Parker from daycare, I told him that he was going to meet Sadie today.  His reaction.....a double fist pump and a "Yessssssss."  Then he looked at me and exclaimed, "She is home!!!!"  Next I told him the Quinn (Sadie's big sister) was home too.  His reaction.....another double fist pump and a louder "Yesssssss!!!!"  He smiled the entire way home because he wanted to meet his "sister" so badly.  He smiled the entire time he held her and commented on how small she is and how Quinn will need to be careful with the baby.  He was so filled with love and excitement that he went around the room and told us that he liked us so much....but what he really meant was how much he loves Nikki, Zach, Quinn and now Sadie.  This is now my favorite picture of my son, he is a proud "big" brother.

Sunday, August 8, 2010

Hello Kitty

This is my [LATE] contribution to the Fem Friday hosted by my dear friend Transatlantic Blonde.  I am totally piggy backing off of her entry too, gender and colors.  Everyone thought Parker was a girl when he was an infant.  He wore gender neutral clothes as well as boy specific really didn't matter, everyone thought he was a girl.  I think it is because he has such big blue eyes.....but I don't really know.  Fast forward.  He is 3 when he starts loving socks with prints on them.  He still loves socks with prints on them (thanks goodness for the dollar spot at Target!).  When he was about 3, he fell in love with Hello Kitty socks.  We had to have every pair in the dollar spot.  He picked out some for him, his friend Elysia, and of course Yang Yang (she loves Hello Kitty as well).  He would only wear his Hello Kitty socks for a while.  No other sock.  No one has really said anything negative about his pink striped socks with the kitty on the side.....well, I should rephrase that, no one has ever said anything to me about it.  My family and friends know that if they did, they would hear an ear full about how they are just socks.  Not a big deal.  Socks go on your feet and he picked them out because he likes them hence no big deal.  I would much rather my son still wear Hello Kitty socks than a shirt that has guns on it or wearing any war time paraphernalia.  I would rather his socks be pink than he only have sports stuff in his dresser.  I would rather him have some color in his wardrobe than all the dark blues and greens, grays and blacks that little boys clothes offer.  Once boys are out of toddler sizing, everything is dark, it is really irritating.  But anyway.  Recently we were at the park and Parker was swinging.  Another little boy was next to us who was one year older than Parker.  He looks at Parker and says, "If you are a boy than why do you have Hello Kitty socks on?"  I held my breathe.  We had talked about this before....once.  Only once did he tell me about someone at his daycare not liking his socks, but I think his popularity made it a non issue.  Being 5 is a little different than being 4.  He has changed already, he is playing different and his toy and movie interests are different, I wondered, could this other older boy change Parker's opinion of the socks he loves so much?  I bit my tongue to not defend him and answer immediately.  Parker looked at the other boy and said, "Because I like them.  I don't play with the toys but I really like the socks."  And that was it.  The other boy took Parker's answer and was fine with it.  Parker stood up for what he likes and didn't care about the opinion of another child.  I smiled.

When he was an infant, I would defend the clothes that I chose for him.  Now, he picks a lot of the items I buy for him.  There are some restrictions, but based on the number of Super Hero shirts he has, you can guess that he choses a lot.  He knows what he likes and he knows that his Hello Kitty socks specifically are not the "norm" for little boys, he is okay with wearing them and isn't shy about telling other people why his socks are pink.  And like I said earlier....they are just socks.....everyone who doesn't like it can get over it.

To buy or not to buy

I found a house.  It is beautiful and totally ready to move in.  I have been preapproved and know where I can get the down payment money from, so my ducks are in a row.  The realtor had another open house today.  When I found out a streak of jealously went down my spine which makes me know I want it, I know I can afford it but can I commit to it?  My mom asked me if I am planning on being in Cincinnati for atleast the next 5 years, I told her yes, as far as I know.  But then I started thinking about it.  What if something in my life changes tomorrow?  What if I change jobs or lose my job and can't find another one or get transfered?  What if I meet someone?  A house means reaching the next step in my life.  It is making living here more permenant.  It is starting real roots here.  Is this where I want to stay?  I have so many ideas of plans for my furture but I have so many ideas for a sercure future for Parker.  Home ownership, I feel, is one step in the right direction for his securtiy.  Where we are now is defininately our home, we love it.  We love our upstairs neighbors.  But it would be exciting to have our own place with a back yard and a street with side walks.  For Parker, I know it is good.  He is excited about it and asked the morgage guy if I was allowed to buy a house.

For me though it brings up so many other questions.  The fear is deeper and paralyzing.  Can I handle home ownership?  Will I be able to manage home repairs?  Will I be able to take care of the entire property alone?  I know I have mentioned this fear before, but how will it change me as a single woman?  There is a stigma attached to being a single female home owner.  I believe that it is positive, but I am also a member of a society which thinks that it closes the door for finding a partner.  Is it too independent of me to want to take this step?  Am I crossing a line that will put me into the "single for life" bracket?  As a single woman, when you meet a guy who owns their own house it is a check in the plus box, as a single man meeting a woman who owns their own home, it is considered to be intimidating.  A reason why that man would not be needed in that woman's life.  The home is bought and the woman is added, not the other way around.  But why is it viewed that way?  I know that if I buy this house or any other house if will be a very good thing, an investment, and rea

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Introducing Sadie Jane

Monday evening, my very closest friend and even closer neighbor went to the hospital to be induced.  Monday marked the beginning of her 41st week.  She didn't have any complications but after a few tests they decided not to wait until the end of the week.  Tuesday morning at 8:30 I got the text that little Sadie Jane was born.  It was smooth labor and delivery except she decided to swallow some fluid on the way out.  After spending a better part of the past 2 days in the NICU, Sadie and her parents are finally home.  My home doesn't feel right when they are not home, I have grown very accustom to the noises that I hear coming from accustomed that the silence over the past few days has been eery.  I finally was able to meet Sadie tonight!!!!  Quinn, their older daughter comes home tomorrow.  Unfortunately, Parker is out of town until Monday so he hasn't seen his self proclaimed baby sister yet, I can't wait to see the look on his face when he meets her.....he has been waiting so patiently this entire time to meet her.  When I showed him the first picture I received on Tuesday, he just sat and looked at it for such a long time with a euphoric look...he was happy and still curious about her.  Here are a few pictures of my "daughter" and Parker's new "sister."
This is the best one I think

Monday, August 2, 2010

They call me Coach

When I was a child, my dad was always my Coach.  I started T ball when I was 3 or 4 and he coached every year.  I started softball in 4th grade which he coached all the way through high school.  It was irritatingly great to have him as my coach.  He definitely did not favor me in anyway.  He was very good at being my coach and it is a memory of him that I don't share with my sister's, it is my memory of my time with our dad. 

Parker is now playing sports.  He did soccer in the fall, basketball in the winter and t ball this summer.  During soccer season I felt the inner need/want to be his coach.  To be out on the field trying to herd the 3-5 year olds towards the proper goal.  It worsened during basketball.  These are two sports that I know nothing about, so the idea of stepping up to coach a sport that I have no knowledge about held me back (even though, truth be told, it is more teaching easy basics more than actually coaching).  But T ball....I know t ball!  This was the sport that Parker had been waiting for too.  At the first practice it was obvious that there was no assistant coach, so naturally I helped with practice.  It kind of fell in my lap to be the Assistant Coach but I love it.  I have coached 3 of the 7 games solo and ran two practices alone as well.  Again, I love it.  But I am the only female coach in T ball.  There were some during soccer season, I think maybe 2 and none during basketball season.  In fact, now that I think about it, there are very few girl participants in T ball either.  I have noticed the children respond differently to me than my male counterparts.  They listen to me because I participate with them, but they listen even better when my male counterpart is not present.  There is an image we all get when we think of the word "coach."  The same happens when we think of "doctor," "teacher," "professor," "manager," "banker," "nurse," "teller..."  I could go on.  But reading those words makes you think of a man or a woman.  Even in children as young as Parker, there is am image that goes along with the title.  Maybe from watching sports with parents or from their prior (although limited) experience with sports.  I cannot be mad about their tendency to understand my counterpart as "more" of a coach than I am, but I can hope that I have changed this image for them.  There are two little girls on our team this season, they are sisters.  Neither of them have played before and the older one has shown amazing improvement over the past 7 weeks.  I know that I am her first coach and I know my presence in her first experience is very positive for her future as a young girl in sports.

Challenging the persecption of who is a coach and can be a coach is what I want to teach all of these children.  It is like the inner need to be involved in Parker's sports, it comes from my core.  It is nice to shake up the parent's perception as well.  I didn't volunteer because I was actively thinking about creating a new image for these children but because I helpful by nature and wanted to be more involved for Parker.  I know that my co-coach has appriciated my help and I have loved doing it but nothing beats trying to create social change while fully participating in Parker's life!

Sunday, August 1, 2010

Eden Park

What a beautiful afternoon!  When it is as nice as it is today I often take him to the park, but I wanted to move.  I had ants in my pants.  I wanted to be in nature, but living in the city cause problems with that.  Next best?  Explore one of the many parks (not just a playground park) in Cincinnati.  We chose Eden Park.  We were there earlier this summer for the Japanese Butterfly exhibit but didn't walk around too much.  We found the play ground and the overlook of the Ohio River, but today we were on a mission.....a mission from God.....ha, just kidding....ahh, The Blue's Brothers.  Anyway, it was a  mission to hike. Parker has never been hiking and this wasn't "real" hiking because they have paved all of the paths, but it was a good beginning step.  We walked 3.85 miles!  Started at Mirror Lake at the entrance of Eden Park, went to the Conservatory, Twin Lakes and then back to Mirror Lake.  Parker and I were so pumped that we walked up to the Art Museum instead of going to the car!  This morning when I suggested a hike, he was resistant at the idea, but about half way through he looked at me and said, "This is way better than I thought it would be, it's pretty awesome."  Enjoy some pictures from our afternoon!
Looking over Mirror Lake
Mirror Lake
Can't take a serious picture
Water Tower
Old ass stone steps that were steep
Krohn's Conservatory
The biggest stick ever
This park, as well as all the others, are part of why I love Cincinnati so much.  I have been drafting entries about my love for this city, but they always sounds I'm thinking I'll break down the city like this entry....sorry that was kind of internal thought typed out.....and yes I do that while I am speaking with people as well.