Friday, August 28, 2009

The Look

Parker was one of the last kids last night at daycare which is typical for thursdays. There is normally a little boy infant there as well who happens to be one of the most beautiful baby boys I have ever seen. Every time I see him I have to give him lovins and tell his mom how beautiful he is (I am sure she is getting sick of this but I do it anyway). Yesterday the new director of the center was holding this particular baby and of course I was swooning. She said, "doesn't just make you want to have another one?" I said, "No, not at all." Her face changed immediately to "the look." If a mother says something that is not quite what a mother should say there is always "the look." I then felt the need to explain myself. But why should I have felt that way? Why as women do people (men and women) think that we are crazy to not want a baby as soon as we see someone else's? I don't even think that I will ever get to the point of wanting to put myself through pregnancy, birth and raising another child. I mean one child is a handful, but to throw another into the mix? The idea makes my head explode.

That look is one that happens frequently. I know I am not a bad mother, there are times when I should do things differently and I do if it happens again. It is a learning process and I do what makes sense in my gut. Parker wanting Hello Kitty socks and a Cinderella doll are the two most recent instances I get "the look" about. But seriously, it's a toy and socks, lets not get caught up in the small stuff folks! He tried to use the phrase, "I ain't" and was told to correct himself. Lets put that on the other side of the scale from the socks and doll, hmmm, looks like proper English wins! But again, I feel like I need to explain why my son has a Cinderella doll but I don't need to so I won't and I am done!

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

I <3 Mandy

Not last night but on Monday I got to talk, on the phone even!, with
my Mandy. I had just said last week how much I missed her. She moved
to LA in May and not that we were joined at the hip or anything but
after a certain amount of time it was time to hang out with Mandy
again. She is the type of friend that keeps you in line, tells you
how it is with absolutely no sugar at all and I happen to be one of
the types of people that needs a Mandy type in my life. I know she is
doing well out there but Ohio misses her for's not really
the same. Hey looking out for your Turkey Tom. I had to
send in postal so it should be nice a ripe when it get there.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

This is an advertisement

If there is anyone who has a little boy about the age of four who
doesn't have rediculous fits and doesn't tell his mommy that they hate
her and doesn't yell at people and then wonders why he has to go to
bed wihout playing...please I would love to trade! I have a new
mantra that I catch my self repeating is just his age,
it is just his age,it is just his age. Sometimes I throw in the "i
love my child, I love my child, I love my child," but that one doesn't
always work.

Two screaming fits two night in a row. Last night he wanted to know
when we were moving back to Dayton because he misses his grandma and
grandpa (which is sweet and all). I gave him a harsh dose of reality
on that one. I have discovered in some instances the blunt and harsh
truth is just fine for a four year old. I mean, really, who needs an
optomistic four year old... right? I'm just kidding...mostly.

Besides my walking tempertantrum the past few days have been much less
eventful than I had hoped. I had my not-a-date with the boxer. The
movie was fabulous, we saw Inglurious Basterds, love love love
Tarantino. The boxer enjoyed the movie as well then we hung out at
his apartment for a while before I went home. I didn't really think
anything of it until I saw him today. My heart started pounding and I
got a little nervous/excited because I wasn't expecting to see him.
But we will end there...must keep my footing.

I signed Parker up for soccer. I think I might be more excited than
him. Welcome to the obnoxious sports mom chapter of my life. I have
been waiting for this since he was born. Saturday morning
games...standing on the sidelines with my coffee pretending to know
anything about sports while I chat it up with the other parents....I
can't wait till his first game!!!!! There will be video...eventually.

Friday, August 21, 2009

The Call Back

I am so happy it's Friday! Work kicked my ass this week and we
weren't even busy! But it has been productive nonetheless. Like
Monday, or maybe it was Tuesday, an attractive young man asked me what
my name is, I know it's not THAT significant but ya know I take what I
get. Then later on on Wednesday I decided that I really needed to
embarass myself in front of yet another Bengal's player. Granted I
didn't know he was a player at first but he definately heard me tell
Melissa how cute I thought he was...then we found out he is a rookie
on the team. Then Thursday I finally saw the boxer again, not out of
course but at work because that is as social as my life gets! Ha! But
I haven't seen him for a hot minute (new phrase) and I was instantly
reminded as to how much I like lookig at him and talking to him and
how much I want to hang out with him. (side not on previous blog
about the text he sent me that I didn't think was for was,
I'm just an idiot). So we make plans for Sunday night blah blah
blah. Yesterday was like the most irritating day I've had in awhile.
So today the man came in....I will not say his name now but if you
talk to me regularly you know who I'm talking about. But yes...I
wrote my number on his sandwich...I know...I'm a nerd. If I hadn't
done it today I would have never done it and I would have regretted t
forever. So I did it. I told a friend and they said I must be so
excited with anticipation to a call. But in all honesty, this is the
biggest shot in the dark I've ever tried. And everytime I've given
out my number without it being asked for I don't get a call so I am
not holding my breath...NO OPTIMISM! Only reality. would
be pretty freaking awesome if he did call.....


Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Broken hearts

A friend has recently broken up with her boyfriend. She thought that
this was what she know to be single and flirt and play
without guilt or fear of hurting another person-you know the very
essence of being single. Well it turns out that it wasn't what she
wanted. Now she has pleaded and begged and the boyfriend is not
willing to try. I don't know what to say to my friend. On one hand
she fucked up and must deal with the outcome of her
choices...something that is very hard to do. But on the other hand
why can he forgive? I mean I think that it is inevitable that they
will spend their lives together. They are both so effing weird and
hard to tolerate but they are weird together and tolerate (a more
positive word would be accept) each other so well. But what if they
don't? I can't even imagine a world were they are not a pair...they
are like ...ummm...peas and carrots? No more like cookies and cream,
that is such a good combination, a classic duo (and a lot tastier and
if they were food they would be tastier than peas and carrots).

But she knows how good they were so restating that would make me a bad
friend. I feel as though I should give her some tough love but I want
her to be hopeful like I am that he will realize how much he loves her.

Oh God, I sound so cheesy...damnit I am not good at being synical with
other people's relationships, only my own.

Friday, August 14, 2009

French music and fish faces

I have a new obsession....French rap. I cannot work in the morning
with out the French pop and rock radio station I found on iTunes
radio. It is getting bad...I write down the names of the songs and
the artists I like, it distracts me from working because I am
constantly going back to the computer to find out who it is...less of
an obsession but more of an addiction, if you will. The worst part of
this addiction-most of the stuff I like is NOT on iTunes!!!! I don't
know about anyone else but I pretty much only buy music on iTunes
since I got my iPod. I can only get my fix while I'm at work and only
until 10am! (listening to French rap or any rap is frowned upon). So
for 3 hours I am in my little heaven of pretending that I will be able
to understand what they are saying. It is bliss. Well, there is a
lot of western pop too but I can handle that.

So since I can't get it here I might have to go to
about being strung out!

Tuesday, August 11, 2009


One of my favorite parts of the day is picking up Parker from
daycare. Not only because I miss him during the day (ha some days not
as much as others! Haha) but becauose he always has a story to tell.
Like most four year olds his stories are BIG! I mean not just any
little thing happens, but something monumental happens everyday!
Yesterday his faces was scratched up a little bit and when I asked him
what happen he went into a 20 minute long monologue. Cassani grabbed
his face and squeezed and scratched. Oh but wait first Cassani
wouldn't move but he asked her to move "like 3 times Mommy (throwing
his hands in the air and rolling his eyes)!". Oh but wait! Before
that Cassani wanted to sit next to him..and so on. When I asked him
if he cried he said "well Mommy, I felt tears in my eyes but I didn't
cry." "Did it hurt Parker?". "No it just burned (jumps off the couch)
I'm gonna see how good she got me in the mirror."
His stories are hysterical and he tells them with such conviction and
detail. Today was a reinactment of a fall in the muscle room which
left a raseberry on his hip. Because of his super fast shoes, the c
strap (aka z-strap), he was going so fast that he could tell he was
going to slide but he turned so that he wouldn't slide but then he did
slide and fall on the floor. (as he finished his story his tone
changed to almost laughing at himself and throwing his arms in the air)

Keeping up with him is exhausting on me physically but listening to
his explanations about life (although quite funny) are exhausting on
my brain.

Monday, August 10, 2009

Just a usual night

Burn dude!

I haven't talked to the boxer since Saturday, which is
cool..whatever. This morning I heard my phone go off but it was a bit
before I checked it and it was the boxer saying " hey sweetie (has
never used that kind of term), yada yada yada, what are you doing
tonight?". I respond that i didn't know and asked how he was...blah
blah blah...end of coversation. So later on I asked him what he was
doing tonight and nothing! I'm starting to think that maaaaybe that
text was not meant for me! Ouch! I kinda want to call him out on it
but at the same time is it worth it?

So now I'm feeling all rejected and watching Parker play with our
neighbor. Whenever this shit happens I always come back to the same any of it worth it? I mean not the totally depressed
"whoa is me" kinda worth it but really is there anything more
important than Parker? And after every crush has rejected me or I
have a bad date it always comes back to that same question.

I am Jack's broken heart

Sunday, August 9, 2009

The Secret Life of Bed Bugs

A couple weeks ago i was bitching to my friend Nikki about all the mosquito bites i had on my ankle and how they would keep me up at night because they itched so bad. normally bug bites bother me because i have extremely sensitive skin but this was ungodly. So that Monday morning i wake up and get dressed, do my normal morning routine. Parker had moved to my bed that night so i was waking him up in my room when i saw a fucking bug just walking long right next to him without a care in the world. PANIC! i started yelling at Parker to get out of the bed and i started tearing my sheets off and taking them down to the washing machine. it was a truth realized because i had thought in the back of my head that maybe it could be bedbugs, but i would have seen them when i just changed my sheets like the week before...right?! was so gross and all day i was so bothered by myself and what having bedbugs said about me. i called my landlord, who was rather defensive about the situation, but we set up a time for that week for the people to spray. the whole time my landlord was asking if i have had a lot of people come over or if i had traveled, where i got the bed, how long i had had it....etc. not only was i mad and feeling guilty but then i started thinking about this a little further....who had slept at my house? as the week went on i found out from the exterminator that they were ONLY in my bed, not Parker's, not the couch, not my neighbors, not the walls...just my bed.

then i felt really dirty, but in a different way. not because i'm not clean, because i am, but more dirty in the how'd they get there sense. i started thinking about the people who have slept in my bed over the past 6 months. don't get me wrong, it isn't a long list but it is more than one. you know how if a person discovers that they have an std, the health department highly recommends that you contact all of the people you have slept with in the past X amount of time to make sure they get tested and to find the beginning...well that is the conflict that entered my brain. do i call these people (some of which i don't talk to ever) and let them know "hey you slept in a dirty bed you might have bugs!" or do i let it go? definitely calling them would mean that i might find the perpetrator but at the same time there would be that pause in silence where judgement and disgust are being placed upon me, again much like an std, and beyond that there is the fear of them telling others of my "problem." (granted this is all a little dramatic because bedbugs are not life threatening nor do the cause sickness, but there is the connotation of someone with a dirty bed.) sitting and really thinking about who has slept there with me does make you narrow it down to the most likely suspects and i have actually figured out the number one place they probably came from and i really don't want to talk to him. so i have decided to go against the health departments recommendation of telling those you could have spread it to, and letting it go. whether this is right or not, it is the decision i have made for body told me i had to tell anyone and i am exercising my right not to.....well that's not true, i did tell one person who could be affected by this. karma may come and bite me in the ass for not letting other's know but it cant be more annoying that bug bites!!! haha! i mean it isn't a picnic, i haven't slept in a bed in about two week, air mattress and living room floor, and my mom told me not to even ask if i could stay at her house....

i ordered a new bed yesterday and i have learn a few things from this situation....
1) buy some of the allergen blocking bags for mattresses
2) be more thorough in checking hotels bed
3) if a boyfriend's friend has them, and the boyfriend sleeps at your house a lot, check and double check

and one that i should have learned but only time will tell
4) be selective as to who gets to sleep over


Thursday, August 6, 2009

Piss ass day

What a fucking day! It wasn't eventfull at all but one of those days
where nothing falls into place. First I couldn't sleep last night
because of the fucking air matrees (but that's another story) and my
back was killing me. This morning was fine until Parker and I got to
the store and then he was fucking around with EvERYTHING! Everytime I
tell him to stop doing something I have to get the point of counting
down to timeout for him to quit! I don't know I it is a four year
thing or just him but UGH! I could strangle him! So whatever, we walk
to daycare and I go back to my day. Which considering my spats with
Parker, was really smooth until Collins showed up...3 weeks early!
Not prepared for that at all! I know your like who the fuck is
that...corporate guy that grades my store. Not that I was in bad mood
but just not feelin it today. I guess that was very apparent when I
couldn't make one sandwich correclty or smoothly. Like I said
earlier, nothing fell into place, everything was like 2 seconds
behind when normally, atleast at work, I'm like 2 seconds ahead. I
don't brag much about anything I do because I'm not one of those
people who are exceptional at anything but I can make a fucking
sandwich and I can kick that store's ass....but again I was just like
eh today. I hate it when I'm like that especially when Collins is

I still did well but really could have done better and that is what
gets me down the rest of the day like right now...I can't let shit go.

Of course Parker is still not listening. So the night

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Why don't guys say no?

I feel really pathetic that dating and finding a mate are so primarily
on my mind but at this junction in time it is so. Ever since Travis
and I broke up two and a half years ago I keep waiting for that
fairytale to happen. Ya know the one where it's love at first sight
or your mutual friend foresees the two of you being together or you
still meet by chance when a third party bails out on the night or (the
classic) you are great friends when you realize that it is more than
friendship!!! All of these are a hoax right? No of course not! All of
these stories are from people that are in my life. These have tainted
my vision and I am waiting for mine. My rational brain says that I
really haven't been single that long and to chill also says
my situation is totally different than a lot of peoples because of
Parker. But still it is there and it screws up everything
constantly!!! By everything I mean my hopes. For example I have been
talking to this guy who I have had a great time hanging out with and I
really enjoy talking to him but then we made out. The making out (the
wonderful makig out) totally put a huge dent in my "I'm gonna try this
slow friends thing this time" plan. I don't even know why I come up
with plans that deep down I'm not going to go through with buuuut
anyway. I should back track.....

The past two years have been a series of me having a crush on a guy
then we hang out in a social setting, laugh and be merry then we hang
out in a private setting then one thing leads to another and then I
either A) lose interest and don't call them back or B) I expect way
too much too soon. Why do I have no gray area! I was born with a
gray area definciency (it is a known medical syndrome you know).
Hence the reason that guys should say no...well atleast to me.

So back the guy of the moment...we made out and I feel like things are
weird now because just like I didn't want to I have gotten my hopes
up. The biggest difference right now is that I am still talking to
him because I normally would have quit contacting him already soooo I
guess that's like 5 points for me...right? Okay maybe only 2 :(

Sunday, August 2, 2009

The neighbors

I just got done eating the most amazing pork loin that my wonderful
neighbor grilled. Some how our lives lined up perfectly and the
people who live above me are definately my Cincinnati family! Every
Sunday we grill out and feast...never a disappointing meal but Zach
out did himself with the pork and the corn on cob(provided by me).
And of course Nikki made the best pasta salad in the world...ive heard
it even tops her grandmothers ;).

I seriously owe them a meal or two...

Why when i meet a very nice gentleman that i know is into me i dont make an effort to go on a second date? but yet when there is another gentleman who is much more ambiguous, i cant get him out of my mind and make an effort to see again? why am i like that? is it fear? am i shallow in some way? do i like the mind games that i create for my self? i really dont but i am starting to fall into a pattern.

Saturday, August 1, 2009

Blogging Virgin

I entered the point in my life where i feel that my words and life could have an impact on someone somewhere or maybe even an impact on my self in a couple weeks or months. my life is not the most exciting life, i am a single mother in every aspect of those words. i have my supportive family and a handful of close friends. life has definitely thrown me a couple curve balls but i think that i handle them well. i have tried to start dating this year but i dont think it is going very well :-/ it is effing hard! plus i tend to like those guys that are soooooo inappropriate for me but they are always sooooo cute. a note to any reader, i am sarcastic....very sarcastic.

The first guy that i decided to date this year, since i made dating my new year's resolution, is someone that i still have to see on a weekly basis, honestly what was i thinking!! granted he was really nice but seriously? did i think that we would be together for ever! man, the first relationship out of a long serious relationship is a lot of residual feelings i think. i thought i loved him like immediately and loved that he wanted to meet my son like before our second date. totally got played on that one! haha, definately pulled into the single mom hook! it was fun while it was fun but then it got retardedly serious and that was it! I learned from him though that apparently i do want a partner in life and that i am kinda lonely....but if anyone asks i am definately a confirmed bachlorette!

My blogging vriginity has now been lost. i feel the exact same way that i did when i lost my sexual really wasnt anything special. but maybe it is like they say, it just gets better after the first time!