Monday, November 30, 2009

I have created a monster!

This is Parker and Elysia, his one true love.  This is Parker's new hair.  This is the story of Parker's new hair.

Last week Parker was complaining about his hair in his eyes.  I asked him if he would want me to trim it again so he could see better and his response was, "No Mommy, I don't want you to cut my hair.". So we decided that we would pay for a hair cut.  Fast forward to Saturday.  After basketball we went to Great Clips.  I asked if he wanted a mohawk and he excitedly shook his head yes.  He was wonderful during the process.  Made fish faces in the mirror and didn't budge.  I didn't do as well, had a minor panic when she took the clippers with the 1 inch guard to his beautiful blonde locks.  About 5 inches and 10 minutes later, he was done.  The lady asked if I wanted her to style it and of course I said yes.  I have a hard enough time styling my hair!  So instructions were good.  Well, he loves it and looks handsome, but the best part is that I had to buy styling product for my 4 year old's new hair do!

Later that day, "Mommy, did my hair fall down?  I think my hair fell down.". No it's fine.

"Mommy, can we put more of that stuff in my hair so it won't fall down?"  Sure Parker.

"Mommy, did you bring my hair stuff with us?" No Parker, we don't need it right now.  "But Mommy, what if my hair falls down while we are in the car?". It won't sweetie.  "Well you should have brought it in case is falls down when we are at Aunt Jen's, but you forgot!".

Ugh....explaining to him that he wouldn't wear it up everyday was about a half hour discussion.

I have created a monster!

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Fight or flight

So there has been a fellow that I have had the pleasure of
communicating with over the monthish. We have spent just a small
amount of time together but it was wonderful. My heart has fluttered
since we started speaking. There is something about him. My sister's
believe the "something" that I am attracted to is his locational
unavailability because it would then be easier for my emotional
unavailability. Of course I disagree. The location of his housing
and the fact that he travels seems to be more like a plus because of
my lack of free time anytime but the weekend. But there has been a
recent conversation that has left me confused. While it wasn't
negative in the "I don't like you" sense, it was still not blindly
reassuring. I have never been fought for, I have tried to fight for
others before and wound up unsuccessful. Now he has basically laid
his shit out on the table. I know that the question will be "do I
fight for a person I don't know and I don't know that I will win or do
I cash in my chips while I'm ahead and no "real" feelings have
developed?" And if I do fight will it be for me or him?

Obviously I cannot make this decision now. Like I said, I barely know
him. Intuition is off kilter on this fellow.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Why is it when a good thing happens there is a slew of bad right after? I had an amazing weekend with the fellow. We did mundane tasks like reorganizing some of his work files and running some errands and watching Mythbusters, but it was wonderful and comfortable and just nice. Had dinner and then Sunday we went and watched people fly remote control airplanes and hellicoptors. Again, things that don't sound exciting to everyone, but it was really great. The rest of the week has not been so great. I waited in line in the rain for 10 hours to try to secure a spot for Parker at Fairview, and I got 18th on the waiting list. The solution? Move to the burbs for a good education or go Montissouri for a year and try again for Fairview next year. I am trying this opitimism thing that people talk about so the positive spin to not getting in is that something better is on the like that? It is difficult to spit that out. And today! I was an hour late for work! I woke up at 7am!!!!! All because I didn't remember to reset my alarm on my phone from sleeping in yesterday morning......grrrrrrrr....

But it's okay, tomorrow is friday! I get to see my sisters! And I get to see Phish two nights in a row!!!!!

Sunday, November 8, 2009

Allyson the plumber

To all of you that own your own home, I don't know if I should be
jealous or not. My kitchen sink started draining very slowly two days
ago so yesterday I decided half a bottle of drano should fix
it....wrong-o!!! Poured it in, waited the suggested half an hour,
left the house for the evening, returned and still, the sink was half
full of water. This morning, still half full of water (notice the
optimism is half full?!?!?! I am a changing woman!). So I decided I
can take care of this without calling my landlord! He is an oft
anyway and it wouldn't get fixed by him until tomorrow...problem
standing in my way? No tools. Daddydearest brought me down some
wrenches and we got to work. Water went everywhere only for us to
figure out that the clog was not in the trap. So now I have to pawn
it off on my landlord but there are dishes! So many dishes!!! Sunday
is catch up and clean all the dishes day!!! This day cannot actually
be completed and checked off until all the dishes are done!!!!!
Solution you ask?! The tub. I just washed dishes in the effing tub.
Awesome. So now I am wondering about home ownership. Is it better to
have to fix all the stuff yourself or pawn it off?

Although today cannot be completed because my back cannot handle all
the dishes in the tub, the rest of the house looks amazing. Parker
was responsible for picking up his toys in the living room today and
the usual "I can't do it all by my self," whine-fest started. He
whined a bit, I told him he could atleast put his race track away by
himself and he did. Then while I was cleaning the bathroom I hear him
say " Mommy come look at the living room.". I went out and every toy
and book were put away, the clincher, everything was put away in it's
place! He was so proud of himself, he was beaming :) (and so was I).

Sunday, November 1, 2009


Today has wiped me out! Basketball started today and out of three
coaches, none of them could make it! That's a little rediculous! On
top of attempting to help in a sport I know nothing about, Parker was
literally laying on the ground.

Trick or treating was fun last night. We went with Mary, her two kids
and husband. I've never really been to Cheviot neighborhoods before
so it was neat to walk around. Very cold, but neat. After we were
done trick or treating we put on some foil and went to Chipotle for
free burritos.....deeeelicious!

My work week last week sucked towards the end. Collins and a dude he
was training came to my store the same day that my night crew forgot
to put away the bread the night before. Stressful morning to say the
least. The dude intraining was cool though. Pretty cute too. We did
great on the audit so the day ended well except that I was there until
close. So I didn't get make yummies for Parker Halloween party on
Friday and then Friday I had to close too! It a wonder that I am so

I have also spent way too many hours on the phone until way too earliy
in the morning with a fellow. The amount of time we have spent on the
phone the past two nights is like what high schoolers do. I mean
seriously, who talks on the phone for 5 hours!?!? I did! When I was
16 I would do that all the time! I guess I can't complain though,
this guy is pretty cool and easy to talk to. You know me, can't get
too caught up in it. I want to but if you have read this over the
past few months, it tends to not go anywhere. Maybe I'll be wrong
this time. He is sweet and funny and easy to talk to (obviously) and
cute and has tattoos and knows about cars and has a motorcycle and has
a good job and is the same age as me and didn't flinch when I said I
have a son and and and....ahem, sorry, I got a little carried away!

So we'll see....I think I'm going to go pass out now.

Monday, October 26, 2009

Soccer to basketball

Soccer season ended on Saturday. Parker's ability to participate the
past few weeks was a challenge. There has been bad weather, then we
missed a game, then a make up game on Thursday. He did well at the
game during the week so I thought Saturday would be great! You know
with the bribery of it being the last game, the party afterwards,
going to Dayton to see the grandparents! I mean, that's a lot of
excitement to make a kid play some soccer! My demise was the
weather. I did not prepare either of us for the cold that we
endeared. Oh my God it was cold! So cold that even after we were
inside for the party and then left to go home, my body shuddered at
the cold air.

After the game was over and we went in for the party, Parker walked in
and saw the trophies sitting on the table, turned around and looked at
me with huge eyes and said, "Do I get a trophy too?!?!". He had such a
look of pride. The rest of the weekend, he showed everyone his trophy
and would say, "This is the first trophy I EVER got for soccer!".

This Sunday we have our basketball clinic and Monday is the first day
of practice. Drippling will, by far, be the biggest challenge because
he is awful. Shooting and passing should be okay, but we'll see.
Shawn has volunteered at the Y as an assistant coach and will be
driving Parker to all of the practices....should be interesting in
further blurring the lines in our friendship (atleast on my end).
Important part, Parker gets to play basketball, hang out with a
positive male role model, and won't have to be at daycare until closing.

Sunday, October 11, 2009

Falltime Pancakes

Today Parker and I have had breakfast for every meal. There is
something about fall that makes me crave hot breakfast foods. This
morning was oatmeal, scrambled eggs for lunch and pancakes for
dinner. I normally don't like pancakes and I really wanted pumpkin
ones, but I have yet to stock up on my canned pumpkin goods. So
looking through my cabinet the cinnamon and nutmeg yelled out
"FALL!". Although I would like to believe that I made up a new
recipes, it is doubtful. But I really liked it and have been
experimenting with recipes lately. I haven't post my granola bar
recipes yet because I have made it twice but am not yet satisfied.
But this one is easy, yummy and hits the fall food crave button. So
here it is :)

Fall time pancakes

1 c flour
1 T sugar
2 t baking powder
1/4 t salt
1 1/2 T brown sugar
1/2 t cinnamon
1/4 t nutmeg
1 c milk
2 T oil
1/4 t vanilla
1 egg

Combine dry ingredients in large bowl. In smaller bowl, wisk together
wet ingredients. Wisk both into larger bowl. Scoop onto hot, greased
frying pan (I set mine on med high) using 1/4 c measuring cup. After
small bubble form, flip pancake over. Cook on the second side for
about 1 minute.

Top with maple syrup, pumpkin butter, powdered sugar, or apple
slices. If you like it simple they are delicious with just a little

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Eff You 2009

Life is crazy. A couple months ago it was awesome, smooth, fun. Now
it is like a vortex sucking out all of my energy to be awesome, smooth
and fun. I feel stuck, restrained, able to see the furture but unable
to read the map leading the way. I know that this is just part of the
cycle of life, everyone has ups and downs, and normally in my life the
bad things happen in bundles, but this round is really hitting me hard
and fast! And in all honesty, 2009 has pretty much blown! Eff you

(sidenote to those I could potentially offend, there are many good
things that have happened as well. Nikki, Zack and Quinn are three.
Ryan and Colin's expected bebe. Aurora and Matt's expected baby.
Surviving a drive across the country in a two door Civic with Mandy
and two cats. My mom finding a salary job again. Pat being cancer
free. Jen and Eric buying a new house. Miss Macy Leopold's birth,
seriously a miracle. And a bunch of other good stuff that this cloud
is preventing me to see.)

But I'm sticking to my guns! Eff you 2009!

*I think that was an entire psychology session in two paragraphs! Or
I'm crazy...*

Friday, September 25, 2009


Yesterday Issac gave his two week's notice.  I am really sad.  We get along well, confide in each other, trust each other and are weird together.  I have the most fun when he is working eventhough he is highly irritating.  I am going to miss him and we are close enough that we should be able to hang out outside work, but I know that won't happen.  I don't want him to go but I know that is part of business, you meet some great people that are only in your life for a short amount of time.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009


I totally have feelings for someone that I know I shouldn't and I know
that nothing will come out of it reguardless of the fact that they may
be treating me. UGH! Seriously! Affectionate feelings for the wrong
person! And I can't even be mad or avoid it because they are being
genuinely nice and a good friend! And I like being around them! And
they like Parker! Sounds perfect right! TOTALLY not! AHHHH! The
worse part you ask? I will probably tell hem how I feel, because I
have a word vomit issue, and will ruin everything that we have the way
it is. I miss having feelings like this for another person and of
course the person I do have them for is HIGHLY inappropriate!

What is wrong with me?!?!

Let the repression begin!

Saturday, September 19, 2009

Longest Week Ever

It seems like this week would not end. I can't even remember Monday
because it was so long ago! I am pretty sure it is the same Monday
that Issac gave me his two weeks but I can't be sure...let me check a
calender....yup, it was. Huh, the really feels like it was longer
ago...anyway. Definately one of those weeks that was non stop.
Thursday was the worse day for sure though. I knew I was going to be
working in Oxford and had it all planned out until some lady ordered
120 box lunches for thursday at my store. I know it sounds like I am
complaining about business but trust me! I'm not! It's awesome-I love
huge orders, it just put a kink in my original plan. Someone had to
then go in at 4:30am to start bread (that someone is me). Which is
cool, like whatever, but I was also closing that night at my store.
So 5 hours or less of sleep, I was downtown baking bread until 6:30.
Then it was off to Oxford to assist in making 900+ sandwiches (aka 3
hours of pulling meat, which should sound like fun ;) but it wasn't
the fun kinda pulling). Then back to Cincinnati to close my store.
VERY EXHAUSTED! I really don't remember anything after about 5pm that

Next I'm sleeping and my phone rings, it's Val (GM of Clifton).
"Allyson, someone just called me from your store. Is anyone there?".
Immediate confusion. About 3 minutes later I realize that it is
almost 5 am Friday morning. "what!?ummm no, now I am creeped out and
I don't want to go to work!". Val, "call the cops to meet you there."

Call district 1...I have an odd request...give the lady my information
and her response, "Jimmy John's? It looks like there has been an
incident. Let me connect you to dispatch.". WHAT!!! SHIT!!! In my
drunken sleepy state did I forget to lock the back door?!?!! No I
didn't forget, but the register drawers were shut and someone thought
there would be money in them. They shoved a crowbar through the front
door, opened it, and pried open my drawers. No money. Disappointment
would tell you to take something else like chips or cookies or a, not these guys. They weren't hungry for a snack. Nothing
else had been touched.

We were on the news because if it which is like the 5th time we've
been on the news this summer. Not complaining about that, it
definately got people in the store!

Went to Val's going away party last night. I can't believe she won't
be here in a week. I don't know if I'll be good at my job without her

Parker played soccer today. We had to be there early because it was
picture day. During the game he scored 4 goals but only 2 counted for
his team....if ya catch my drift. Once he was told which direction to
go though he scored! Chased a kid from their goal down the field,
stole the ball, turned it around and ran it back down the correct
direction to their goal, kicked and scored. Definately the fastest
kid on the team. He doesn't have the best skill but today it clicked
for him. After the first quarter he didn't care to play any longer.

So now it is Saturday night after an early morning, an afternoon of
Rock Band, and an evening at the park. Parker and I are finishing our
poor family dinner of black beans with brown rice and corn muffins. I
think I will veg out and go to sleep early.....I hope no one funny is
on SNL, otherwise I'll be up until 1am.....

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Sunday, September 13, 2009

Sunday night blues

What a wonderful weekend! I didn't do too much this weekend, it feels
like I should have done more, but when I think about it, a lot was

Thursday night was really the beginning of my weekend because I didnt
work on Friday. I had planned on meeting up with the boxer for a few
drinks but that fell through and I am kinda glad that it did.

Friday was the opening of Lauren's first solo art show. She was
unvieling the work she did while she was in Alaska all summer. Before
I could drive to Detriot, I had to get a new tire. That is how Friday
was started, and finding out that Collins was visiting my store
(totally different story that luckily had a happy ending). But
anyway, then we came home and got packed for our day adventure to
Michigan. Nikki and Quinn came with us, and the kids did
wonderfully! We are happy because it will make our family vacation to
the beach in the spring much easier. Driving across Ohio is boring.
Especially along 75. I always have known this but I conviently
forgot. Holy cow I am happy that Nikki was there!

The art show was amazing,, if you want see her stuff.
Her art belongs some where besides the Midwest. Maybe Chicago but
more like San Francisco or LA...not here. So many people came to see
you new stuff it was really neat to see the support she gets first
hand. I am really proud of her.

The drive home was hysterical. Nikki and I were definately sleepy
drunk and we must have laugh for 4 hours straight. When we were
finally back in Cincinnati in our neighborhood, Parker woke up because
of our laughter and he said, "you guys are loud," then he pointed his
finger in the air and shouted "SILENCE!!!". Nikki and I looked at each
other and lost it! It was one of the funniest things I have ever
witnessed Parker do.

Saturday was Parker's first soccer game. I was hurting, falling
asleep at 2:30 and waking up at 7:30 isn't fun. After half of my 24oz
coffee, I was able to start cheering on the Cincinnati Blue Crew.
Parker was a starting forward which really means nothing after the y
blow the whistle. They played the yellow team (who I think are called
the Giraffes, not sure though) who had this kid that will probably be
a soccer player forever. He was great, control over the ball and
charged down the field, besides when he scored against his own team.
But that's okay, I'm pretty sure Parker scored against the Blue
Crew :-/ But this other kid kept falling down and would just lay
there. The first two times the coaches came over to make sure that he
was okay, which he was, but about the third time they just waited for
him to get up. I would much rather have the ball hog kid than the
dramatic kid. I am beginning to realize that it was everytime he was
touched, on the ground he went like a possum.
Parker did well though, he had contact with the ball acouple times.
The first time was after he just stood by the goal post for a solid 30
seconds. Just standing there wih his hands behind his back looking
around. Then the ball came over to him and he kicked it; I was so
excited that I cheered "yea Parker! Go get it!" (or something like
that, I don't really remember I was hungover from lack of sleep), but
he then stopped and ran over to me. He was smiling and I told him it
was a great kick but to get back out there. He said, (all smiles),
"Mommy did you see those three airplanes that flew over us?". I guess
while he was looking around the airplanes caught his eye.
He did great but definately needs to work on not touching the other
players. During the second half a yellow player bumped his head
against Parker's and Parker got upset and ran over to me crying.
"mommy the yellow team isn't sharing!".

The rest of this weekend I have been cleaning and playing. We watched
the Bengal's almost win (I left and quit watching after they scored
because I had to go downtown and there was only 20 seconds left but
then Denver scored). We went to the library to get books and we got
Spider-man. Very uneventful but one of the best weekends ever.
Tonight we fried all kinds of food upstairs with Nikki, Zach and
Quinn. It was delicious! And now it is Sunday night, time for bed
and begin the next work week. Boo :(

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Skeletons and closets

I don't know why this is happening. I don't really want to talk about
this but sometimes talking to no one helps to get your mind off the
thing that is occupying it the most. What seems like forever ago I
was in a "happy" "loving" long term "committed" relationship. I use
all those terms in quotes because they were my true feelings at the
time. It's amazing how much more honest you can be about your
feelings for another person once you are not involved with that person
every day of your life. I digress. I have not cried over the loss of
this relationship in my life for a long time. I have not talked about
the loss of this relationship in my life for a long time. Whenever he
has been mentioned in my life it is always in relation to Parker,
which makes complete sense because that is who he is hurting on a
daily basis by being uninvolved. This past week, though, all of my
past anger and hurt and fear of the future without him has come
rushing back to me and I don't know why. It is not close to any
important date from what was us. It is not close enough to a holiday
to be missing the family that I once had. There is nothing
significant going on right now that should make me miss him for me and
not for Parker. There are tons of reasons everyday that make me sad
that Parker doesn't have his dad there to cheer him on, every child
deserve both their parents to be in their life. Wanting him to be
around for Parker is a pain that I have learned to deal with everyday
Parker looks at me and says anything about his daddy. But that isn't
want I have felt this week. I have felt the lack of him in my life.
Suddenly I will be jolted with saddness because I don't have him. I
almost cried because I missed him. I can't miss him! I can't cry for
him! I don't want him! I am angry that I even am giving him this
much thought right now! But if I don't express it I can't get through
it. I don't like talking about him outloud and the statute of
limitations is up on the amount of time I can dwell on the pain he
caused in my life.

Why do I feel like it is so recent again? Is this part of healing and
moving beyond? Do I have to deal with the blows of a breakup all
over? All I want is for that part of my life to go away (except the
part that involved the creation of my beautiful child). I want to be
able to look back and know that there were good, happy, positive times
but all I see is darkness, hurt and pain. Everytime I am asked where
he is and if we call him tonight, my jaw clenches and my heart beats
faster because of the instant anger, and I have to look at the one
person that doesn't deserve the pain and tell him, no we can't call
because mommy doesn't know where he is.

I know I am stronger than this. I know I can be beyond these
feelings. I know that I made the right decision two and half years
ago. I never question my self about that but I am wondering if he
would fit into my life right now. The only good part is that I can't
see it. When I close my eyes I can't picture it.

This all holds me back. The things that I want the most are the
things that scare me the most. I need to move on.

Monday, September 7, 2009

Ah my boy

This weekend we had our first glimpse into soccar season. Saturday
morning Parker went to a soccar clinic where we met his team, coach
and got his soccar shirt. We had bought his shin guards and special
soccar shorts the night before so he was set. Talk about excitement!
Oh boy! When we got to the field he found out that he was on the blue
team!!! Holy cow!! The day was getting better and better instantly!
We went over to where the blue team was milling around when Parker ran
right over to a ball and started kicking it around. The coach seemed
impressed with some of the kid's kicking ability (mine included in
that category). While I was talking to the coach I noticed that
instead of kicking the ball to his teammates he was kicking it to them
and running up and kicking it away from them. I couldn't help but
laugh, team work is still a concept that he struggles with but it made
me think of it with more of a positive spin, he's not a ball hog, he
has a natural drive to try to be the best. That sounds much better.
When it was time for the drills and learning though he did very well.
He volunteered to go first a couple of times and offered his defintion
when the coach asked any of the kids if they knew what dribbling was,
(very loudly) "I know! That is where you have to bounce the ball a
lot with your hand!". Wrong sport kiddo! But nice try! Again I
couldn't help but laugh. He, later that day, showed me how to do all
the soccar tricks that he had learned that morning.

It was a fun morning, I definately am going to love whatever sports or
activities he wants to do as he grows. It is different to watch him
participate in something that you are not directly involved with, I
guess that it was a glimpse as too how he probably acts at school
too. Sometimes I wish I could watch him at school to see who he is
when I'm not around. I know I will never be really able to but
observing him at soccar made me see that he tries to impress and is
outgoing. I suggested that he cheer on his teammate and give the high
fives which he began pick up on his own.

I was, not surprising, one of the only moms that stayed around the
team as they moved from station to station. Out of all the kids on
his team, I was the only mom. I looked around to see what other
parents were doing and every team was about the same, dads with the
teams, moms along to fence with their other children. Although I
understand that someone has to stay to the side with the other kids,
did it bother the moms? Did some of them play soccar when they were
younger and wanted to be close to their child as they met their team
and learned the drills? Why didn't the parents switch off so that
both could be involved? I wouldn't be able to do it, it's way more
fun when you can hear and see everything.....oh no....I sound like a
future coach.

Friday, September 4, 2009

Proud Mama

This morning when I took Parker to daycare he blew me away with how smart he is. I mean I have always known that he is bright and catches on for his age but he has gained so much more knowledge since the moved him into the prekindergarten class at his daycare. Miss Mary, his teacher, is amazing and they have a great relationship which is comforting to know that he has someone he trusts fully there, but he was showing me some things around the classroom like the Praying Manitis that we fed crickets to, the catepiller that Liam's mom found and he told me how it was a cacoon now and will soon be a butterfly, then we went to the back "circletime" area. On the bulletin board were flash cards of the solar system. The first one had all the planets on it and Parker goes up to it and says, "Mommy, see this blue one? This blue one right here? (pointing with his finger) This is Earth. This is where we live." I was wowed. Then Miss Mary pointed to the next card. "What is this Parker?" "Um, a big ball of fire (looks up at me and smiles)." "Yes," says Miss Mary, "but what is it called?" "Um, the Sun." Then she points to the next card, "and this one?" "That's Mercury." "And this one?" "Venus." AMAZING! "And what's this one?" she askes pointing to another card. "Umm, the Milky Way."

It was one of those parenting moments that makes your heart fly out of your chest, but yet bittersweet. I used to be the person that taught him most of what he learned. I doubt I would be better than his teachers, because they are wonderful. School is around the corner and he is entering the stage in life where parents have less control over the influences of their child. This scares me but today he made me so proud. He is amazing and creative and one of the best people to be involved in a conversation. When you are doing the parenting things alone the frustrating times seem like they take over and they are all that exist. The past few weeks have been a cloud of frustrating moments, but then they do something that cuts through the irritation and bad behavior and temper tantrums and timeouts and it hits you in the face with how amazing and beautiful they are, reminds you that they get frustrated with you as much as you do with them, they they see our bad behavior and have to deal with it as well. It brings you back to an equillibrium and makes you a better parent.

Anyone who has met Parker knows how special he is and how wonderful. He is definately the kind of kid that you meet and fall in love with immediately. And now I wish I wasn't at work and could go to the park. I think I will leave early today.

Friday, August 28, 2009

The Look

Parker was one of the last kids last night at daycare which is typical for thursdays. There is normally a little boy infant there as well who happens to be one of the most beautiful baby boys I have ever seen. Every time I see him I have to give him lovins and tell his mom how beautiful he is (I am sure she is getting sick of this but I do it anyway). Yesterday the new director of the center was holding this particular baby and of course I was swooning. She said, "doesn't just make you want to have another one?" I said, "No, not at all." Her face changed immediately to "the look." If a mother says something that is not quite what a mother should say there is always "the look." I then felt the need to explain myself. But why should I have felt that way? Why as women do people (men and women) think that we are crazy to not want a baby as soon as we see someone else's? I don't even think that I will ever get to the point of wanting to put myself through pregnancy, birth and raising another child. I mean one child is a handful, but to throw another into the mix? The idea makes my head explode.

That look is one that happens frequently. I know I am not a bad mother, there are times when I should do things differently and I do if it happens again. It is a learning process and I do what makes sense in my gut. Parker wanting Hello Kitty socks and a Cinderella doll are the two most recent instances I get "the look" about. But seriously, it's a toy and socks, lets not get caught up in the small stuff folks! He tried to use the phrase, "I ain't" and was told to correct himself. Lets put that on the other side of the scale from the socks and doll, hmmm, looks like proper English wins! But again, I feel like I need to explain why my son has a Cinderella doll but I don't need to so I won't and I am done!

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

I <3 Mandy

Not last night but on Monday I got to talk, on the phone even!, with
my Mandy. I had just said last week how much I missed her. She moved
to LA in May and not that we were joined at the hip or anything but
after a certain amount of time it was time to hang out with Mandy
again. She is the type of friend that keeps you in line, tells you
how it is with absolutely no sugar at all and I happen to be one of
the types of people that needs a Mandy type in my life. I know she is
doing well out there but Ohio misses her for's not really
the same. Hey looking out for your Turkey Tom. I had to
send in postal so it should be nice a ripe when it get there.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

This is an advertisement

If there is anyone who has a little boy about the age of four who
doesn't have rediculous fits and doesn't tell his mommy that they hate
her and doesn't yell at people and then wonders why he has to go to
bed wihout playing...please I would love to trade! I have a new
mantra that I catch my self repeating is just his age,
it is just his age,it is just his age. Sometimes I throw in the "i
love my child, I love my child, I love my child," but that one doesn't
always work.

Two screaming fits two night in a row. Last night he wanted to know
when we were moving back to Dayton because he misses his grandma and
grandpa (which is sweet and all). I gave him a harsh dose of reality
on that one. I have discovered in some instances the blunt and harsh
truth is just fine for a four year old. I mean, really, who needs an
optomistic four year old... right? I'm just kidding...mostly.

Besides my walking tempertantrum the past few days have been much less
eventful than I had hoped. I had my not-a-date with the boxer. The
movie was fabulous, we saw Inglurious Basterds, love love love
Tarantino. The boxer enjoyed the movie as well then we hung out at
his apartment for a while before I went home. I didn't really think
anything of it until I saw him today. My heart started pounding and I
got a little nervous/excited because I wasn't expecting to see him.
But we will end there...must keep my footing.

I signed Parker up for soccer. I think I might be more excited than
him. Welcome to the obnoxious sports mom chapter of my life. I have
been waiting for this since he was born. Saturday morning
games...standing on the sidelines with my coffee pretending to know
anything about sports while I chat it up with the other parents....I
can't wait till his first game!!!!! There will be video...eventually.

Friday, August 21, 2009

The Call Back

I am so happy it's Friday! Work kicked my ass this week and we
weren't even busy! But it has been productive nonetheless. Like
Monday, or maybe it was Tuesday, an attractive young man asked me what
my name is, I know it's not THAT significant but ya know I take what I
get. Then later on on Wednesday I decided that I really needed to
embarass myself in front of yet another Bengal's player. Granted I
didn't know he was a player at first but he definately heard me tell
Melissa how cute I thought he was...then we found out he is a rookie
on the team. Then Thursday I finally saw the boxer again, not out of
course but at work because that is as social as my life gets! Ha! But
I haven't seen him for a hot minute (new phrase) and I was instantly
reminded as to how much I like lookig at him and talking to him and
how much I want to hang out with him. (side not on previous blog
about the text he sent me that I didn't think was for was,
I'm just an idiot). So we make plans for Sunday night blah blah
blah. Yesterday was like the most irritating day I've had in awhile.
So today the man came in....I will not say his name now but if you
talk to me regularly you know who I'm talking about. But yes...I
wrote my number on his sandwich...I know...I'm a nerd. If I hadn't
done it today I would have never done it and I would have regretted t
forever. So I did it. I told a friend and they said I must be so
excited with anticipation to a call. But in all honesty, this is the
biggest shot in the dark I've ever tried. And everytime I've given
out my number without it being asked for I don't get a call so I am
not holding my breath...NO OPTIMISM! Only reality. would
be pretty freaking awesome if he did call.....


Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Broken hearts

A friend has recently broken up with her boyfriend. She thought that
this was what she know to be single and flirt and play
without guilt or fear of hurting another person-you know the very
essence of being single. Well it turns out that it wasn't what she
wanted. Now she has pleaded and begged and the boyfriend is not
willing to try. I don't know what to say to my friend. On one hand
she fucked up and must deal with the outcome of her
choices...something that is very hard to do. But on the other hand
why can he forgive? I mean I think that it is inevitable that they
will spend their lives together. They are both so effing weird and
hard to tolerate but they are weird together and tolerate (a more
positive word would be accept) each other so well. But what if they
don't? I can't even imagine a world were they are not a pair...they
are like ...ummm...peas and carrots? No more like cookies and cream,
that is such a good combination, a classic duo (and a lot tastier and
if they were food they would be tastier than peas and carrots).

But she knows how good they were so restating that would make me a bad
friend. I feel as though I should give her some tough love but I want
her to be hopeful like I am that he will realize how much he loves her.

Oh God, I sound so cheesy...damnit I am not good at being synical with
other people's relationships, only my own.

Friday, August 14, 2009

French music and fish faces

I have a new obsession....French rap. I cannot work in the morning
with out the French pop and rock radio station I found on iTunes
radio. It is getting bad...I write down the names of the songs and
the artists I like, it distracts me from working because I am
constantly going back to the computer to find out who it is...less of
an obsession but more of an addiction, if you will. The worst part of
this addiction-most of the stuff I like is NOT on iTunes!!!! I don't
know about anyone else but I pretty much only buy music on iTunes
since I got my iPod. I can only get my fix while I'm at work and only
until 10am! (listening to French rap or any rap is frowned upon). So
for 3 hours I am in my little heaven of pretending that I will be able
to understand what they are saying. It is bliss. Well, there is a
lot of western pop too but I can handle that.

So since I can't get it here I might have to go to
about being strung out!

Tuesday, August 11, 2009


One of my favorite parts of the day is picking up Parker from
daycare. Not only because I miss him during the day (ha some days not
as much as others! Haha) but becauose he always has a story to tell.
Like most four year olds his stories are BIG! I mean not just any
little thing happens, but something monumental happens everyday!
Yesterday his faces was scratched up a little bit and when I asked him
what happen he went into a 20 minute long monologue. Cassani grabbed
his face and squeezed and scratched. Oh but wait first Cassani
wouldn't move but he asked her to move "like 3 times Mommy (throwing
his hands in the air and rolling his eyes)!". Oh but wait! Before
that Cassani wanted to sit next to him..and so on. When I asked him
if he cried he said "well Mommy, I felt tears in my eyes but I didn't
cry." "Did it hurt Parker?". "No it just burned (jumps off the couch)
I'm gonna see how good she got me in the mirror."
His stories are hysterical and he tells them with such conviction and
detail. Today was a reinactment of a fall in the muscle room which
left a raseberry on his hip. Because of his super fast shoes, the c
strap (aka z-strap), he was going so fast that he could tell he was
going to slide but he turned so that he wouldn't slide but then he did
slide and fall on the floor. (as he finished his story his tone
changed to almost laughing at himself and throwing his arms in the air)

Keeping up with him is exhausting on me physically but listening to
his explanations about life (although quite funny) are exhausting on
my brain.

Monday, August 10, 2009

Just a usual night

Burn dude!

I haven't talked to the boxer since Saturday, which is
cool..whatever. This morning I heard my phone go off but it was a bit
before I checked it and it was the boxer saying " hey sweetie (has
never used that kind of term), yada yada yada, what are you doing
tonight?". I respond that i didn't know and asked how he was...blah
blah blah...end of coversation. So later on I asked him what he was
doing tonight and nothing! I'm starting to think that maaaaybe that
text was not meant for me! Ouch! I kinda want to call him out on it
but at the same time is it worth it?

So now I'm feeling all rejected and watching Parker play with our
neighbor. Whenever this shit happens I always come back to the same any of it worth it? I mean not the totally depressed
"whoa is me" kinda worth it but really is there anything more
important than Parker? And after every crush has rejected me or I
have a bad date it always comes back to that same question.

I am Jack's broken heart

Sunday, August 9, 2009

The Secret Life of Bed Bugs

A couple weeks ago i was bitching to my friend Nikki about all the mosquito bites i had on my ankle and how they would keep me up at night because they itched so bad. normally bug bites bother me because i have extremely sensitive skin but this was ungodly. So that Monday morning i wake up and get dressed, do my normal morning routine. Parker had moved to my bed that night so i was waking him up in my room when i saw a fucking bug just walking long right next to him without a care in the world. PANIC! i started yelling at Parker to get out of the bed and i started tearing my sheets off and taking them down to the washing machine. it was a truth realized because i had thought in the back of my head that maybe it could be bedbugs, but i would have seen them when i just changed my sheets like the week before...right?! was so gross and all day i was so bothered by myself and what having bedbugs said about me. i called my landlord, who was rather defensive about the situation, but we set up a time for that week for the people to spray. the whole time my landlord was asking if i have had a lot of people come over or if i had traveled, where i got the bed, how long i had had it....etc. not only was i mad and feeling guilty but then i started thinking about this a little further....who had slept at my house? as the week went on i found out from the exterminator that they were ONLY in my bed, not Parker's, not the couch, not my neighbors, not the walls...just my bed.

then i felt really dirty, but in a different way. not because i'm not clean, because i am, but more dirty in the how'd they get there sense. i started thinking about the people who have slept in my bed over the past 6 months. don't get me wrong, it isn't a long list but it is more than one. you know how if a person discovers that they have an std, the health department highly recommends that you contact all of the people you have slept with in the past X amount of time to make sure they get tested and to find the beginning...well that is the conflict that entered my brain. do i call these people (some of which i don't talk to ever) and let them know "hey you slept in a dirty bed you might have bugs!" or do i let it go? definitely calling them would mean that i might find the perpetrator but at the same time there would be that pause in silence where judgement and disgust are being placed upon me, again much like an std, and beyond that there is the fear of them telling others of my "problem." (granted this is all a little dramatic because bedbugs are not life threatening nor do the cause sickness, but there is the connotation of someone with a dirty bed.) sitting and really thinking about who has slept there with me does make you narrow it down to the most likely suspects and i have actually figured out the number one place they probably came from and i really don't want to talk to him. so i have decided to go against the health departments recommendation of telling those you could have spread it to, and letting it go. whether this is right or not, it is the decision i have made for body told me i had to tell anyone and i am exercising my right not to.....well that's not true, i did tell one person who could be affected by this. karma may come and bite me in the ass for not letting other's know but it cant be more annoying that bug bites!!! haha! i mean it isn't a picnic, i haven't slept in a bed in about two week, air mattress and living room floor, and my mom told me not to even ask if i could stay at her house....

i ordered a new bed yesterday and i have learn a few things from this situation....
1) buy some of the allergen blocking bags for mattresses
2) be more thorough in checking hotels bed
3) if a boyfriend's friend has them, and the boyfriend sleeps at your house a lot, check and double check

and one that i should have learned but only time will tell
4) be selective as to who gets to sleep over


Thursday, August 6, 2009

Piss ass day

What a fucking day! It wasn't eventfull at all but one of those days
where nothing falls into place. First I couldn't sleep last night
because of the fucking air matrees (but that's another story) and my
back was killing me. This morning was fine until Parker and I got to
the store and then he was fucking around with EvERYTHING! Everytime I
tell him to stop doing something I have to get the point of counting
down to timeout for him to quit! I don't know I it is a four year
thing or just him but UGH! I could strangle him! So whatever, we walk
to daycare and I go back to my day. Which considering my spats with
Parker, was really smooth until Collins showed up...3 weeks early!
Not prepared for that at all! I know your like who the fuck is
that...corporate guy that grades my store. Not that I was in bad mood
but just not feelin it today. I guess that was very apparent when I
couldn't make one sandwich correclty or smoothly. Like I said
earlier, nothing fell into place, everything was like 2 seconds
behind when normally, atleast at work, I'm like 2 seconds ahead. I
don't brag much about anything I do because I'm not one of those
people who are exceptional at anything but I can make a fucking
sandwich and I can kick that store's ass....but again I was just like
eh today. I hate it when I'm like that especially when Collins is

I still did well but really could have done better and that is what
gets me down the rest of the day like right now...I can't let shit go.

Of course Parker is still not listening. So the night

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Why don't guys say no?

I feel really pathetic that dating and finding a mate are so primarily
on my mind but at this junction in time it is so. Ever since Travis
and I broke up two and a half years ago I keep waiting for that
fairytale to happen. Ya know the one where it's love at first sight
or your mutual friend foresees the two of you being together or you
still meet by chance when a third party bails out on the night or (the
classic) you are great friends when you realize that it is more than
friendship!!! All of these are a hoax right? No of course not! All of
these stories are from people that are in my life. These have tainted
my vision and I am waiting for mine. My rational brain says that I
really haven't been single that long and to chill also says
my situation is totally different than a lot of peoples because of
Parker. But still it is there and it screws up everything
constantly!!! By everything I mean my hopes. For example I have been
talking to this guy who I have had a great time hanging out with and I
really enjoy talking to him but then we made out. The making out (the
wonderful makig out) totally put a huge dent in my "I'm gonna try this
slow friends thing this time" plan. I don't even know why I come up
with plans that deep down I'm not going to go through with buuuut
anyway. I should back track.....

The past two years have been a series of me having a crush on a guy
then we hang out in a social setting, laugh and be merry then we hang
out in a private setting then one thing leads to another and then I
either A) lose interest and don't call them back or B) I expect way
too much too soon. Why do I have no gray area! I was born with a
gray area definciency (it is a known medical syndrome you know).
Hence the reason that guys should say no...well atleast to me.

So back the guy of the moment...we made out and I feel like things are
weird now because just like I didn't want to I have gotten my hopes
up. The biggest difference right now is that I am still talking to
him because I normally would have quit contacting him already soooo I
guess that's like 5 points for me...right? Okay maybe only 2 :(

Sunday, August 2, 2009

The neighbors

I just got done eating the most amazing pork loin that my wonderful
neighbor grilled. Some how our lives lined up perfectly and the
people who live above me are definately my Cincinnati family! Every
Sunday we grill out and feast...never a disappointing meal but Zach
out did himself with the pork and the corn on cob(provided by me).
And of course Nikki made the best pasta salad in the world...ive heard
it even tops her grandmothers ;).

I seriously owe them a meal or two...

Why when i meet a very nice gentleman that i know is into me i dont make an effort to go on a second date? but yet when there is another gentleman who is much more ambiguous, i cant get him out of my mind and make an effort to see again? why am i like that? is it fear? am i shallow in some way? do i like the mind games that i create for my self? i really dont but i am starting to fall into a pattern.

Saturday, August 1, 2009

Blogging Virgin

I entered the point in my life where i feel that my words and life could have an impact on someone somewhere or maybe even an impact on my self in a couple weeks or months. my life is not the most exciting life, i am a single mother in every aspect of those words. i have my supportive family and a handful of close friends. life has definitely thrown me a couple curve balls but i think that i handle them well. i have tried to start dating this year but i dont think it is going very well :-/ it is effing hard! plus i tend to like those guys that are soooooo inappropriate for me but they are always sooooo cute. a note to any reader, i am sarcastic....very sarcastic.

The first guy that i decided to date this year, since i made dating my new year's resolution, is someone that i still have to see on a weekly basis, honestly what was i thinking!! granted he was really nice but seriously? did i think that we would be together for ever! man, the first relationship out of a long serious relationship is a lot of residual feelings i think. i thought i loved him like immediately and loved that he wanted to meet my son like before our second date. totally got played on that one! haha, definately pulled into the single mom hook! it was fun while it was fun but then it got retardedly serious and that was it! I learned from him though that apparently i do want a partner in life and that i am kinda lonely....but if anyone asks i am definately a confirmed bachlorette!

My blogging vriginity has now been lost. i feel the exact same way that i did when i lost my sexual really wasnt anything special. but maybe it is like they say, it just gets better after the first time!